Nurse: Here is the list of heart, liver and kidney donors arranged in alphabetical order.
Doctor: Thank you. It is very organ-ized.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height.
They didn’t like my critter sizing.
I told my wife, “From here on, I’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order.”
She said, “Where will you find the time?”
Me: Easy. Right next to the sage.
During an autopsy, why are the heart, kidneys, liver and lungs arranged alphabetically?
Jimmy Johns got my order wrong, I showed them the sandwich they gave me
Help! I started arranging them by artist but that wasn’t right. Then by title, but that wasn’t right either. Nor by colour. Nor alphabetically by first track title. Finally, I arranged them by number of tracks, but I just couldn’t get them in the right order. So I got rid of them all. Do I have 0CD?
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
My daughter and I went to the grocery store yesterday, and we were amazed by the quality of the produce. We spoke with the Department Manager and offered to buy all of their Romaine
Why couldn't Han and Leia produce more than one child?
They could only produce a Solo child.
Your grandparents are planning their funeral arrangements in advance. Grandma wants to be transported in a horse and carriage grandpa wants a Ferrari.
Setting up to be a real race to the finish but I think Grandpa is winning this one.
By legalising cannabis and same-sex marriage, we finally interpreted the Bible correctly
A man who lays with another man should be stoned.
I was thrown out of the local park for arranging the squirrels by height...
Apparently they just can’t take a little critter-sizing!
When my aunt Penny died she hadn’t cut her hair in 20 years, when we took her to the crematorium it turns out they charged by weight and we couldn’t afford a receptacle for her ashes. I learned an important lesson that day.
A Penny shaved is a Penny urned.
I'm worried that the supreme court will lack empathy now that Ginsburg is gone.
Without her they're ruthless.
Supposedly the best way to cut a grapefruit is to supreme...
But for me, it completely lacks a peel.
25 emails between me (film producer) and Jason (my props master) over the course of making my film RUN (on Hulu now!)
Did you hear about the company that decided to produce those Halloween-themed mints?
They said it's a scare tictac
Most people see two piers by the lake and think it's normal but
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
So they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
Some filmmakers were secretly trying to murder the lead actor in a low-budget flick, but he got wind of the plot and managed to escape. They took the existing footage and shopped it to different producers, but it was roundly rejected by everyone for the same reason.
Stopped by a roadside lobster stand that said 'lobster tails £2' I paid my £2 and the owner of the stand says...
Once upon a time there was this lobster.
What's the best and the worst thing about a petrol station run by cannibals?
Did you know 10+10 and 11+11 are the same?
10+10 is twenty and 11+11 is twenty too
Apparently, the producers of The Flintstones were planning to make one final episode where Fred’s brother marries Barney’s brother.
It was cancelled because it was the 60s and Americans weren’t yet ready to have a gay old time.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face"
When you're down, by the sea, and an eel bites your knee...
A Chinese stand up comedian was half way his set when all the lights went out. He told the crowd to put all their hands in the air and wave. As by a miracle the lights came back on. ...
...'' You see? Many hands make light work.''
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
The elderly wife in church turned to her husband and said, “I’ve just done a silent fart. What should I do?”
He said, “Change the batteries in your hearing aid”.
Every morning I leave my house and get hit by a bicycle,
LIFE RANT: yesterday was the first day I’ve been outside my house since coronavirus started, I just wanted to get some Jimmy Johns. It’s been 3 months, I ordered a #16 Club Lulu, something seemed off but by the time I got to the car I realized...
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Just adopted a new dog. He's a bit mean and has a habit of barking by the sides of cliffs.
I guess he's just a little ruff around the edges.
I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height.....
They didn’t like me critter sizing.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year it was bought.
It's an extremely rare dish order.
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis (edited, thanks kind friends for the correction!)
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Edit: Wow! Didn't expect this big reaction!
Thanks for the silver!
Edit 2: And gold!? Thanks again! :)
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height.
They didn't like me critter sizing.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
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