TIL: A recent study found that the newest strain of head lice is resistant to conventional treatment.

That left scientists scratching their heads.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
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Did you hear about the gingerbreadman flu strain

Don't worry, you won't catch it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bluepeterbadge
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
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I got in a car accident last week and things have just been really tough. They can’t find any parts for it because the manufacturer went out of business a few years ago and not having a vehicle is really putting a strain on my work and family. It’s just a lot to handle.

Sorry for the Saab story.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tx_Deception_Tx
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2017
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Old colanders never die...they just can't take the strain anymore.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
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My wife just told me that you can strain curdled milk, then use the resulting liquid as a food additive! I was like, "no way!"

She said, "whey!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPalancik
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2017
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Have you heard about the new strain of insect-proof cotton plant?

It's Un-Boll-Weevilble!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jchapstick
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2013
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Some advice when buying a type of tea

Assam-ple would be helpful.

I hope not to strain in seeing how this joke brews with the subreddit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kishenoy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
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I’ve recently designed a miniature IoT smart kitchen implement for straining vegetables. It’s a source of much discussion and argument between people in the culinary world.

You could say my creation is a little device-seive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hairyfacedhooman
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
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Strained my voice

The other day i yelled into a colander and i strained my voice.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thecobs
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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"What's that floating in my eucalyptus tea?" I asked the waiter in one of Mercy's finer restaurants.

It turned out to be koala dung left when they hang in the trees at night. When I requested a tea sieve the waiter replied, "The Koala teas of Mercy are never strained".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Docfess
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
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I woke up this morning with a very sore throat.

Last night, in the kitchen, I was talking to the colander and I think it strained my voice

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πŸ‘€︎ u/abunchofcliches
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
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I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...

It probably puts a strain on the staff.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
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My professor (who is, indeed, a dad) told me this this QUALITY joke.

A man in Australia took a train to the town of Mercy, where he heard there was a coffee shop that served drinks named after Australian animals. When he arrived, he decided to try the Koala Tea. He received his order quickly, which turned out to basically be a cup of hot water filled with whole eucalyptus leaves.

The man asked the barista, "Excuse me, there seems to be a lot of loose leaves in my tea."

The barista replied, "Yes, sir, the Koala Tea of Mercy is not strained."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/exceedinglyhappy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2018
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A Shetland pony walks into a bar...

He's coughing and spluttering. With a strained voice, he asks the bartender for a glass of water, and thirstily guzzles down the entire glass in one go.

"You must have really needed that!" said the bartender, "Do you feel any better?"

"Well, I'm still a little hoarse..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rohaq
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2019
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What is a fence full of holes?

A fence sieve. I strained to make this joke up as I was cooking dinner. The punchline is probably pretty weak and can't hold water.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marcuccione
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2017
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My dad’s version of β€œThe Night Before Christmas”

A Christmas Poem
by Dad (1952–2009)

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the shack,
Not a creature was stirring, we was all in the sack;

Our mugs were placed on the mantle with cheer,
In hope that Saint Nick would bring us a beer;

And me I was tucked up all snug in my bed,
But strains of sweet music still danced through my head;

So I sprang from my bed with a crash and a clatter,
And off down the hall with bare feet did I patter;

There on the chair sat my musical pipe,
So I sat down to play without fanfare or hype;

Come Mozart, come Hayden, Stravinski and Strauss,
And write me some music to bring down the house;

When down from the chimney appeared with a crash,
A strange little man in the smoke and the ash;

He wiggled and jumped and got up like a shot,
Came over and said, "Man those cinders are hot!";

His stomach it shook like a bowl full of jelly,
For a moment I thought it was dear old aunt Nelly;

His nose like a cherry, his ears like two jugs,
I was worried that this guy just might be on drugs;

His language was foul, his jokes they were crass,
So I opened the door and threw him out on his ass;

But then as I turned, boy was I ever surprised;
I saw what he'd bought me, or so I surmised;

For there in the corner right under the tree,
Was some brand new sheet music and a case of O.V.;

I turned to say thank-you but found he had gone,
He was not in the garden and not on the lawn;

And just when I thought that he couldn't get far,
I realized the old goat had stolen the car;

Off in the distance he said with a wheeze,
"I hated to do it but you left me the keys!";

I smiled and laughed for this much I could savour,
For I'd just sold the car to my idiot neighbour;

And once more he called as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and don't drive when you're tight!"

Thank you for everything, Dad. We love and miss you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CannonBall7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2016
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Moses and the Pharaoh

A long, long time ago in Egypt the Israelites were held as slaves. One day the evil Pharaoh passed a decree that no Israelite could cut the grass outside their house.

The grass grew and grew, covering the houses and making it quite an ordeal for the Israelites to go to work in the morning, which put a bit of a strain on the old pyramid building that was all the rage at the time. But Pharaoh didn't care and the edict still stood. No Israelite could cut the grass outside their home.

Eventually the elders had had enough and called upon Moses, who had a bit of a rapport with Pharaoh, being brought up together and all that jazz.

"Moses, you must convince Pharaoh to see sense and let us remove the grass from outside our homes!" they implored.

Moses nodded, picked up his staff and sought an audience with Pharaoh.

In the royal chambers, Moses approached Pharaoh. "Yes, Moses? How can I help?" asked Pharaoh.

Moses stood tall, stared deep into Pharaoh's eyes, raised his staff aloft, cleared his throat and with a booming voice said, "Pharaoh! Let my people mow!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/grubbymitts
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2018
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Dad joked my mom, you could say it was a bit cheesy

Today I attempted for the first time ever to make my own mozzarella. I had my mom help me out because some of the instructions were very exact and I needed some extra hands. As we're scooping the curds from the pot and straining it I paused and said:

"Hang on a second, let me get that out of the whey."

We both stood there laughing for a bit, it was so bad it was good.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LobsterR4geFist
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2014
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At the Driving Range

My dad and I were at the driving range hitting golf balls. He steps up to take a big shot, strains himself a little too hard and simultaneously rips a fart as he hits the ball.

"Hit the shit outta that one!"

I still chuckle when I think about it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/poppinwheelies
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2014
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When my grandad was in the army...

My grandad told me this one and it stayed with me forever.

"Did I ever tell you about the time that I was in the army?" he asked me one day, this should have told me something was off right away because no one ever even mentioned him being in any army. "I was having an affair with my superior officer, she was beautiful. But it was too weird, too strained by the fact that I was a private and she a Sergeant. So I pulled her aside one day and said, 'listen Tina, I have to break it off, it's getting too difficult to keep going. But she was mad about me and she started crying. I tried to console her, I said 'Don't cry for me Sergeant Tina!!'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/c0mpliant
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2013
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I'm not a dad, but i think these jokes I thought of belong here

Q: how does the mitochondria communicate with the ribosomes A: cell phone

Q: what happened when the noodles were getting everyone wet? A: they had to be re-strained

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2015
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My dad getting use out of his PhD in physiology

Watching The Strain when the doctors start doing an autopsy on a vampire body

Sister: So the vampire virus destroys all of the hosts organs?

Me: No it just changes them into different organs.

Dad: Yeah, they're... disorganized!

Laughter ensues

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MikiLove
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2014
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Never get into a pun war with a dad, you will lose, no matter how hard you push...

Me: Did you see that new documentary on Constipation?

The Dad: What?

Me: It hasn't come out yet...

The Dad: Hahaha. That's a hard one.

Me: lol, indeed

The Dad: That's straining.

Me: You're pushing it, [The Dad].

The Dad: I'm not even close to being finished yet!!

Me: You are really stuck on them, aren't you?

The Dad: I am just so impacted by all this.

Me: I just can't get a good joke out...

The Dad: Oh, It's out now... I just can't drop it.

Me: lol. You may be the king of puns...

The Dad: It's an over thirty Dad thing...

His Wife: Yeah, you are full of it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/damnittohelljeb
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2013
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So my boss got my coworker yesterday..

My boss was making us warm apple cider and one of my coworkers said that the cider was really good, and that the orange peels gave it a nice kick. My boss looks at me, then my coworker then says "I guess you can say is very appealing." We both gave a strained chuckle and continued on with work

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheeExpert
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2014
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Heard this one while visiting my parents...

Me: Goddamn flies...

Dad: Did you hear the one about the fly who tried to fly through the screen door?

Me: Nooo....?

Dad: He strained himself.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eptar
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2014
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