I posted something on here the other day and didn’t get a single upvote
My wife asked me to pick up a single lemon at the grocery store
But I have no idea how to tell if a lemon is in a relationship or not
I saw a drunk dude riding in a boat on the chests of four women with average bust size, one of whom had a single mastectomy.
He was sailing on the seven C’s
The person who had once kidnapped me got released after serving 10 years in prison. Since then, I secretly follow him to his house every single day without his knowledge.
I guess I'm suffering from 'stalk home' syndrome.
The greatest baseball player ever was a guy named Hugh McBealy, and he was most famous for every single time he came to the plate knocking the ball high over right field and into the stands.
He scored a home run every single at bat, and always the exact same way. Way over right field, too high for anyone to reach, and it always landed in exactly the 17th row of the stands, give or take a couple feet.
He earned the nickname “the machine” for how consistently he hit the exact same spot every time. Right field, 17th row, every single time. He did this for 20 years before he retired. Tickets to the 2-3 seats that the ball always landed on sold for over $2k a pop by the time he retired because you were guaranteed at least a couple home run balls.
And the day he retired a reporter asked him “How does it feel to be retiring as the greatest hitter of all time?”
Hugh just looked at the reporter puzzled. “What do you mean?” He said.
The reporter clarified “literally over 5,000 times you went to the plate and hit a home run to right field, 17th row of the stands!”
Hugh looked dejected and disappointed “yeah, my greatest failure...”
“What do you mean?” Said the reporter incredulously.
Hugh let’s out a long sigh, and looked down at the ground quietly for a moment before finally speaking.
“I’ve been aiming left this whole time”
Today I took a single Cheerio from my son’s bowl, stared him in the eyes, placed it on the table, smashed it with my fist, and said “Watch out...”
I go to the store and buy 2 eggs, a loaf of bread, and some milk. The cashier says “you must be single” and I respond with “how did you know?”
She responded, “ because you are ugly!”
A new hot single by "The Paint Rollers"
As a single dad money can be tight. But even when I’m on a date and I know I’m not attracted to her, I still like to get the door for her and let her walk through. It makes her feel appreciated.
And it makes it easier to slam the door and run so I don’t have to pay for dinner.
Cowboy goes in to a hotel and says a single room and a wardrobe for my horse. Your horse sir the manager replied!
Yes my horse is a Mustang and it mustang somewhere!
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.
He was absolutely delighted.
A woman checks out of target with two apples, a banana, and a quart of ice cream. The cashier asks, “Are you single?” The woman replies, “Yes, how could you tell?”
Why does the boxer fail to tell a single funny joke?
He kept missing his punchlines.
"My ex couldn't name a single metal band from the 80s."
"Slayer?"
"No, I just shook my head."
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws
A new zoo opened in town. I went to check it out, but the first and only thing that they had was a single dog in a cage.
My Music Pun of the Week. I have to change it Every. Single. Week. I'm running out of ideas.
A short essay on the benefits of beating the shit out of each other — A satirical essay based on a single, overplayed pun
In my opinion we should beat the shit out of constipated people because:
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Laxatives are an unhealthy way of dealing with feces. On the other hand, beating the shit out of someone is a good way to practice sports activities like, running, grip strength, punching techniques etc.
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Other methods of dealing with feces take alot of money. Laxatives aren't cheap in our flawed healthcare system! On the other hand, there are people that are willing to pay you to beat the shit out of you. By using this method you can become richer and deal with your shitty problems.
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Constipation requires being in the bathroom for a long time. This can be very lonely for the people involved. However, beating the shit out of others can be done in any place. Your home, the local park, or even the shady street corner! Not only that it's a very social activity, requiring a minimum of at least 2 people, but usually done in groups of 2-5 people.
Although some people might say, that beating the shit out of each other is violent, most of them have never been to a public toilet and hence are unable to realize how much more painful and violent the alternative is.
In summery, beating the shit out of people is a good, legitimate, and affordable alternative to laxatives and is a better, more progressive way, to deal with constipation.
Someone said a single person can’t change the entire world.
They never ate an undercooked bat.
To keep the virus away, I'm taking forever to open the door, refusing to change the temperature and only playing games in single player mode.
In other words, I'm doing everything I can to be a bad host.
If you ever feel like a single person can't change the world.
Then you've never eaten an undercooked bat before.
Yesterday, someone stole every single toilet from the Local Police Station.
Today, detectives still have nothing to go on.
The town's sheriff, who was also a prolific painter, was once attacked by seven men but managed to fight them off single-handedly. It was because....
I went to the zoo and all I saw was a single loaf of bread in the middle of one exhibit
The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity.
The fisherman used all funds from fish sales to buy collections of audio recordings issued as a single item on CD...
He sold his sole for rock'n'roll.
You heard about the Astros’ new single album?
I heard it’s a real banger.
Have you heard the tale of the knight who lost every single jousting match?
Why do the French only have a single egg at breakfast?
Because one egg is an oeuf
If any of you single *fellas here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do:
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don’t.
The best thing about being single in a wheelchair...
Is that you can never be stood up on a date!
Amputees are the most likely group to save the world single-handedly
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike...
As a single Dad, I tried flirting with the check-in girl at the airport while loading my kids' suitcases.
But she just kept saying I had too much baggage.
My trainer asked if I’m engaging my abs when I use the ab roller. I told him they’re not engaged, they’re single
The sweetest thing you can do for your partner is lose a tennis match to them by not scoring a single point.
I hate it when the grammar Nazis single me out.
It seems like a which hunt.
I was in the supermarket when I got a message on my phone telling me there were 24 singles in my area,
Think I'm going to delete the Kraft Cheese app.
If Neil Young was a leprechaun what would be the name of his #1 single?
I tried archery, but I lost the one arrow I had after a single shot.
I guess that’s the only drawback.
What is the difference between being single and married?
The single ‘worst’ dad joke I’ve ever heard, from my own dad.
Have you ever heard the story of the penguin who breathed through its anus?
Well, it sat down and died.
After being single for years, I finally found the perfect match online.
It produces a greenish flame and it looks really cool while I'm lighting up my cigarette.
did you hear about the single left shoe?
He was feeling lonely and joined dating service to find his soulmate
When single women get to the age of 50, they tend to acquire lots of cats and dogs.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.
Amputees are the most likely group to save the world single-handedly
The French usually only have a single egg for breakfast...
... because one egg is un oeuf.
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