Me: "Excuse me, can you show me where the self help books are?"
Librarian: "Well, that would kinda defeat the purpose, don't you think?"
The very first self-driving vehicle was invented by the Amish in the 1700's...
..the horse was great, the car was a little buggy.
Why did the sculptor realize creating a self-portrait bust was a bad idea?
Because he got a head of himself.
Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers?
It's called On & On Anon.
Why did the Indian yeast have low self esteem?
His whole life he’s been a naan starter.
Apple just announced their new electric vehicle, the iCar, coming in 2024. Rumor is they’re working on a self driving boat as well.
They’re going to call it the iAye
My self-centered friend ordered a sculpture of his face, but later realized he couldn't afford the bill.
He really got a head of himself.
I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was
she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
Why don't they have self checkout at the Gap?
Because people got confused when they ask you to swipe your cardigan.
The instructor in my self defence class told me that the most effective place to kick a man is near his knees.
Personally, I think it’s nuts.
What is the active ingredient in self raising flour?
The first joke my 3yo self ever made
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom.
My dad remembers me being really proud of it and telling everyone, haha!
The easiest way to get in touch with inner self...
is to buy one ply toilet paper
I saw my ex girlfriend standing on the opposite side of the museum hall, and I was too self conscious to say hello.
There was so much history between us.
Did you hear the lead singer of disturbed isn’t going to self isolate?
He’s down with the sickness.
Coffee beans must have the lowest self-esteem...
They’re always getting roasted!
How did the English teacher kill her self - cliff hanger!
I don’t know if I trust the self-cannibal.
He seems to be full of himself.
The corona virus just learned self defense.
They were taught Kung Flu.
In light of current events, I've been doing some self reflection and I came to the conclusion that I need to be more like a German child.
"How was the self help group about boundaries?"
"They wouldn't let me in."
I always use the self checkout
They always have the cutest cashiers.
I asked the librarian if she could show me to the self-help section
She said that would defeat the purpose
Made this on the faculty whiteboard, hopefully this is self-explanatory
Sometimes you think of a pun so good, you lactose the self-control to resist drawing it
I was in A&E with a bad cut. I asked the nurse if I could do my own stitches. She said “suture self”.
To the EM who told me not to sew up your child's leg: Suture Self
Take the day off camera, I’ll put on the 10 pounds on my self.
Which is the most self-aware of the soups?
Her self esteem is like the root of minus one: imaginary
If you were to reveal your self as a furry, does it mean you came out the claw-set
Today I met an opera singer, he was one of the most self centred people I've ever met
It was like everything he said was just "Mi Mi Mi Mi Mi!"...
I went through the self-check out today.
I looked pretty damn good.
Dad: i was listening to the radio it says some actress killed her self
Me: OMG WHO
Dad: i dunno reese somthing
Me: WITHERSPOON
Dad: no with a knife
What’s the most self centered fish?
A sailfish.
My 4 yr old daughter told me this joke. She’s a better dad joker than I am. So proud of her.
Self-deprecating humor is the best kind of joke.
Even though I'm not sure how the heck I figured it out.
Did you hear about the self-driving car that purposely ran someone over?
Why was the cube self-conscious?
Because it didn't have any curves.
My friend was self councious about his arm and back fat so he started going to the gym.
The results were a real weight off his shoulders.
A friend asked me for help to mount his self-portrait on the wall the other day, so I went and bought him all the twisted cord that I could find...
“What’s all this for?” he asked...
“Well” I replied, “I’ve heard that if you give a man enough rope, he will hang himself”.
I passed a store that had two signs in the window, ...Help Wanted & Self Serve
So I went in and hired myself..
The Doors, in 1966, heard the news about Buddhist monks performing acts of self immolation. After listening to what was occurring, they decided to make a heartfelt song to express their solidarity with the Buddhist plight.
And that’s why we have a song called “Light my Friar”.
I was at the museum and I saw my ex girlfriend across the hall, but was too self conscious to say hello.
There was too much history between us.
The instructor in my self defense class told me that the most effective place to kick a man is near his knees.
Personally, I think it’s nuts
I asked the book store assistant where the books on self help were...?
She replied "Sorry, that would defeat the purpose"
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