A list of puns related to "The Selecter"
Urine!
Especially if my last words were "Help! I fell in the wall!"
Cuz, beggers can't be choosers!
The steaks had never been higher
Guess you could call that the work of Natural Selection!
Turns out they have a great return policy.
To give a little background: My dad was a truck driver at the time, and he never saw something on the side of the road or that had a "free" sign on it that he could drive by without at least taking a look. My brother in law was a sheriff's deputy. He told this joke to my neighbor, I will try to do it justice.
My dad, his dispatcher(DIS), and lady neighbor(LN) are outside talking and it goes something like this:
Dad: Ugh, What a f--king week. I can not believe it.
LN: What happened?
Dad: I was in Georgia and I saw this cooler in the far corner of the rest area, just as you're about to leave. I looked around and I didn't see anyone... So I figured someone had forgotten it on their picnic... It was a nice ass cooler too. Igloo brand with the heavy duty wheels. It was beautiful.
LN: Let me guess, you took it and the food that was in it?
Dad: Oh god I wish, It was a nice cooler. So, I go over and I'm still looking around in case the owners are still there. So I get to the cooler and I'm thinking "jackpot." The outside looks amazing. So, I go to open it up to see if whatever is inside is salvageable or if i needed to throw it out. I open it up and I jumped back and screamed.
LN: What was in it?
Dad: FEET. HUMAN FEET. I'm thinking what the hell did I just stu...
LN: NU-UH, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!
Dad: YES I'M SERIOUS.. So by this time, I'm seriously freaking out and I have no clue what to do. I nearly passed the f--k out. I had no idea what I should do.
LN: (with her hands over her mouth in horror) OMG, WHAT DID YOU DO?
Dad: Well, you know my son-in-law is a police officer in Florida..
LN: mmhmm
Dad: Well, I didn't know what to do so I called him.
LN: What did he tell you to do?!
Dad: Call a tow truck.
LN: ....what?
Dad: Get it, toe truck?!
LN: YOU'RE SUCH AN ASS. OMG I HATE YOU.
DIS: Oh, look at that, M*****, I just got word from the office that you're up for this month's random drug test.
Edit: Formatting errors, sorry guys!
I soon discovered that I had made a gross error of judgment.
Either way it was a raw deal
Interviewer: How do you explain the for year gap in your resume?
Me : I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That's great. You're selected.
Me: Thanks I really needed this yob.
I explained that it's because they are out of season.
The ancient Greeks greatly feared volcanic explosions from Mt. Olympus, so they developed a tradition of sacrificing young maidens to the Gods on the mountain. Every year they selected five girls, and sacrificed four. Then they assigned the other one to stomp the olive harvest. Thatβs where we get Extra Virgin Olive Oil.
Update: Thanks for all your applications! Give /u/parin89 and I a few days to take a look and confer!
(if you haven't put your application in yet, you've still got time)
-
Greetings /r/dadjokes subscribers,
Years have passed since this sub started up, and there are now literally millions of you. Whoa.
Two million people is just two many two handle for two moderators. Especially these days, when both /u/parin89 and I have two many other responsibilities and a whole lot less time. I'm 200% sure most of you would agree that more mods are needed.
So we're looking for 5 more moderators to get involved. If you're keen to apply, read the rest of this post and answer the three questions in your comment response.
Answer these 3 questions in your reply:
Only apply if:
We'd benefit from a few practical things as well, it would be great if:
Don't apply if:
We'll leave this stickied for a week and then come back to message a few people and make some selections.
Me just now to the my kids:
βMake sure you brush all of them [teeth]. I mean it. Front, back, top, bottom, inside, outside, up up, down down, left right, left right, B, A, B, A, select start!β
Me sitting in the final interview of AbInbev.
Interviewer: Sorry, You are not selected.
Me: Budweiser?
One who is master at his craft is selected sexually by women to become the father.
But the committee assured them it was just natural selection!
EDIT: I am now closing applications and will make a decision in the next day or so. Thank you to everybody who applied - the general enthusiasm and support is wonderful to see.
( as this is a self post, I receive no karma - however I would appreciate it if you upvoted purely for visibility <3 )
Hey everybody,
The /r/dadjokes community is now over 85,000 subscribers strong. That's pretty great. Pretty super great.
Thus far, over the entire existence of this sub, I have been the only mod. Quietly watching, taking your feedback, removing a post here, approving another there - doing my best not to interfere too much. I'm going to be honest, it hasn't been that hard.
You lot are generally a pretty nice bunch, give or take a few of the more vocal lunatics. There isn't usually a lot of work to be done, or issues that need resolving.
That said, I'm not awake all the time. I can't lurk on Reddit all the time. I don't have all-seeing eyes.
So it's about time I gave another pair of eyes moderator status and entrusted those eyes with a duty of care.
Let's get down to the chase; here's what I'm looking for in an additional mod:
Here's what I am not looking for:
If you wish to apply for the title and duty of being a moderator to /r/dadjokes, simply state your case (why you should be selected, what benefits or experience you bring, etc) in a comment reply to this thread. I will then get in touch with the most worthy seeming applicants. Upvotes and downvites will not be taken int
... keep reading on reddit β‘My sister teaches at a high school for children with learning and behavior disorders, and every year she hosts a skills summer camp.
2015 will be geology-themed, and we need help thinking of a fun name for the camp.
Previous years: 2014 Summer Scenarios: Little Egypt (Egyptian themed) 2013 Summer Scenarios (first year had no kitchy name, but it was zombie-themed)
Potential examples: Stone Throne, Rock Steady, Taken for Granite, etc.
During the live-in camp (boarding school), they'll learn survival/outdoorsmanship skills (fire starting, gardening, canoeing, etc.), and have geologists as guest speakers.
Any high school learning-friendly geology-themed blockbusters would be welcome suggestions, too--but I'll post that for the people over at /r/movies.
Thanks in advance!
Edit: Thanks to everyone who actually gave appropriate suggestions, and high-fives to those who just made rock puns. My sister selected Game of Stones.
I mean... just look at those:
- Why has Gwen Stacy been on the web lately?
to spite her man. -River
- Why do you carry a Laptop in your back pocket?
Because rapping like a computer must be in my genes. - Rap God
- Why did Eminem blow?
All he did was throw f-bombs - Rap God
- Why did Eminem buy the rap game a maxi pad?
Because it's having a rough time period. - Rap God
- Why did Eminem look so shocked when he watched a church gathering take place?
He was witnessing a mass occur. - Rap God
- How could Eminem poop Jerusalem?
Because his shit is real. - Caterpillar
- Why is Eminem so ill-behaved?
He's got a couple of mansions, but still no mannors. - Lucky You
And these are just a select few.
A young lady approached my wife and me at the park while we were watching the kids play. She asked if we would like to buy some Girl Scout cookies. We happily accepted and talked to her for a moment while she showed us the options and told us about each type of cookie. We made our selection, and she went on her way.
I failed to ask her which ones were made from real Girl Scouts.
I sincerely apologize for this oversight, everyone. Can I still be a Dad?
Slayer was on the radio and they had a great selection of beers on tap.
A Call to Arms A Plead to the Limbless
The Armless are a stump among society and could easily achieve more. Itβs bothersome that somebody with great potential could allow themselves to lose grip of what they aspire for. The radius of support and development that surrounds these people is astounding. Yet they bite the hand that feeds and throw away opportunities. With each passing day they are crippled by the errors in their ways. Not only are they not properly handling the situation, they are doing a disservice to society. Most will say to refrain from pointing fingers, but it is pertinent that we show them their faults.
All aside we should most certainly not try to elbow my way into their lives. However, if they were to branch off into their own progressive groups it would be most beneficial. And severance is a good thing between them and the public. This doesn't mean a complete amputation of them from society. Perhaps selective assistance will help these people find a well fitted sleeve within their communities. This process is difficult and lending a helping hand can make the difference.
On the other hand, we have those who donβt try to succeed. Their negligence is worthy of more than a mere slap on the wrist. When somebody refuses to apply themselves, they are holding back progress. By giving themselves mental limitation they are creating a prosthetic disability they must abide by. The majority of working to achieve goals is believing you can reach out and grab them. But, somebody who gives up is cutting themselves short of success Seeing somebody give up is the furthest thing from being humerus. Urging these people is a necessity, otherwise they will never try their hardest, encourage them to use some elbow grease and put forth full effort. Any small contribution is better than being a detriment, community service, obtaining greater education, enlisting in the armed forces, these all benefit society. Drastic changes of this scale are sure to cause discontent, grab a tissue if need be, but never give up. For all those that are currently wasting away without contribution, it's time to limbβer up and take charge.
I said "Lettuce see the selection, please"
A coworker was looking through our tea selection at work and said "I could really go for some sleepy time tea right now, too bad we don't have any at the office."
To which, I replied, "Why would our office stock sleepy time tea? We might as well just have unproductivi-tea."
He just shook his head in disapproval.
Superfight is a tabletop game where you make a character with random attributes from the selection of cards dealt to yourself. You will need to justify how your character and their attributes can beat your opponent's character.
We were playing this through Tabletop Simulator and I played a character card titled "Leonardo".
Gf: Dicaprio or Da Vinci
Me: No, DaTurtle
They're tearable. The select-a-size ones are even more tearable!
Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.
Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":
The first part in the exam paper was multiple choice. After the exam a few friends and I were discussing the answers to the multiple choice, question 2 was "Calculate the mean from the following data"
Me: "what did you get for Q2, the 'mean' question?"
Friend: "What? Q2 asked to calculate the median "
Me: "Noo..I guess I didn't read the question properly. I calculate the mean. And the answer for the mean was one of the choices. I guess, they knew some people would be stupid enough to calculate the mean instead of the median, so they put the mean as one of the choices, and I selected that answer."
Friend: "That's just mean!"
My girlfriend and I were standing in the bread aisle at Safeway, browsing the local bread selections. One of the lone bags in the rack shifted oddly by itself and almost fell out of the rack hanging halfway off. My girlfriend noted that it looked like it was trying to jump off so I said. "No, don't jump! You have your whole loaf ahead of you!"
As I stare at the cheese aisle, I'm trying to decide what looks Gouda for my Munster appetiteβ each cheese goating me to choose it. The truth is, I don't know Jack about cheese selection. But then I realize I Havarti made my choice. I'll go with cheddar, because it has Provolone-standing favorite of mine. Now I better stop this Brie-fore it gets too cheesy.
True storyβhappened today. Hardy har harlsberg.
I went to a Korean BBQ restaurant today to celebrate my birthday, and one of the things this restaurant is known for is bringing out a lot of side dishes. Like 20 of them, to the point that there's no way we could finish it all.
So after we eat the manager comes around and asks how we liked the food.
>Dad: The food was really good, but I have a problem with the side dishes
>Manager: Oh no, I'm so sorry, what was the problem?
>Dad: There weren't enough of them, the selection was too small!!
At this point he starts doing the dad laugh, but the manager still didn't realize he was kidding, so my mom had to butt in and say it was wonderful. Hope we didn't offend or anything -.-
WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
I posted a picture on Facebook of my grandmother wearing a fantastic hat from when she was my age. My family is Swedish, the word for grandmother (mother's mother) is Mor Mor. He commented on one picture thusly:
Dad: I will be posting a collection/selection of your Mor Mor (not your Mor Mor Mor) but actually some may contain both your Mor Mor and Mor Mor Mor who is you mother's Mor Mor. But you knew that.
(Then correcting his omission)
Dad: I meant to indicate it would be a hat based collection but got mor than confused.
Bonus points for attempting to learn Facebook, dad.
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