A list of puns related to "The Samples"
She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, “where do I drop it off?”
She says, “Go in the front door and there’s a little desk that you -“
“Don’t you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?”
... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!
It was used as grounds for dismissal.
I told him it was the least I could doo
The N’s justify the means.
They had a great piss-cal year
I said 'No, thank you' and then looked down at my daughter and said 'Can you believe she thought I'd trade you away for just a tiny bit of lotion? I'd need a whole bottle, at least!'
She thought that was pretty funny.
That shit was expensive.
That shit is expensive.
I asked her if she was taking the piss
i always remember when they were little pastseeds.
My father in law is a vegetarian. Apparently at one point he was at the grocery store and a lady there was giving out samples of meatballs or something.
Woman: Would you like a sample?
Father in law: No thanks, I'm a vegetarian.
Woman (not giving up): It's low sodium!
Father in law: Well, I'm still a vegetarian, and I would have to put salt on it.
...the one thing I actually look forward to when we go to Hobby Lobby is the moment we're walking through the store, I try to keep a perfectly straight face and act like I have a genuine interest in something on the shelf, I reach up and I say something like, "Oh, look at this nice little Stool sample!"
(Not really a joke, but a true dad joke recurring scenario of mine)
And he comes up to me one day and says "Hey Undope! I have this new custard I've been working on, and I think it's my best one yet! Would you like to try it?" And with me being a custard connoisseur, I happily agree, so he takes his sample he has on hand and gives it to me.
I take a bite and take my time, slowly judging the textures and flavors I would expect from a well crafted custard. He becomes mortified as a noticeable wince appears on my face and I struggle a little bit to put down the bite I took.
"Oh my gosh!" he cries. "Do you think it's bad!?"
I shake my head no in response, attempting not to hurt my friend's feelings.
"It's not terrible," I reply. "It's just kinda off-putting."
Hello everyone. Today, a 72-year-old man named Mike came into my office. Mike blessed me with many gifts, a sampling of which I would like to share with you all here.
First, Mike asked how I was. I said "good, how are you?" Mike: I had a dream last night I was a muffler. And when I woke up it scared me because I was exhausted.
Mike also has an ex wife. "My Ex wife was so ugly her mom made her go trick or treating by telephone so she didn’t scare the other children."
Not just one ex wife, Mike has two ex wives. "My ex wife was so ugly I used to take her to work with me so I didn’t have to kiss her goodbye"
Mike does a lot of work for various charities. "I asked the lady at a restaurant if I could post my flyer for an event in the window. She said 'that depends, are you a non-profit?' I said 'lady I've got two ex wives, I haven't had profit in 30 years!'"
Those darn ex wives. "I’m so poor a pick pocket tried to rob me the other day and all he got was practice."
Mike actually came to my office to tell me about a basketball camp he's putting on next week. He's been playing basketball for 64 years. "I was a great athlete in high school. I was voted most valuable player by all the cheerleaders."
There was one girl though who got away. "There was a girl who lived down the street and I used to call her all the time and say 'Sarah, can I come over?' and she'd say no. So one day she called & said “Mike, come over, nobody's home.” So I went to her house and she was right, there wasn’t anybody there."
That girl may be why he didn't play baseball. "I played football, basketball and track. Someone asked me 'Mike, why didn't you play baseball?' I said 'because I was already so good at striking out!'"
Anyways, Mike went on to have a lengthy career in TV and radio, until he didn't. "I had to quit my job for medical reasons. My boss said I made her sick."
Thank you for your time.
While driving home with my wife, we passed a Sam's Club and I noticed the fuel prices were low. I asked her, "You ever get gas at Sam's?" She said, "Yeah, sometimes after eating the free samples, I let one rip."
A doctor walks into a woodworking shop. He finds the woodworker, asks him "Do you make all these yourself?" The woodworker says yes, he does. The doctor continues, "Because I'm looking for some backless chairs for my office and I don't see any on the floor. I'm not ready to buy yet, so I'm going to need a stool sample."
GET IT?
Hey guys, this might sound too cheesy and I'm not sure if I'm posting on the right subreddit.
Every Saturday I give my SO a printed typography paper that I personally design with a pun of her name on it (her name is Des, I call her Mae so either is good).
Problem is, I can make the designs, but I'm running out of puns. Here's a list of what I've already done:
Des puns:
Hardest
Wordes (Words)
Widest
Uncondesionally (Unconditionally)
DrivES
Dessert
Fades
Des (This)
Holidess (Happy Holidays!)
Desperate
Desision (Decision)
Decades
Desert
Destination
Dress (DrESs)
Despresso (Espresso)
Mae puns:
I'd really appreciate some help if you guys have any puns reserved. Anything will do, really.
Thanks!
EDIT: Formatting
I now have so much respect for all the jokes in here,
So i just became a dad on Friday to a beautiful baby girl and my story goes like this.
Today a Midwife came into the room where my wife and I were and started with a speech " Hi my name is !editingoutinfo! I was wondering if i can take a blood sample from the baby, It's voluntary, it's for statistics and it gets sent out to a lab and they test for all rare conditions, they are going to test her genes and..."
At which point i stopped her and said "we haven't got any jeans for her, everyone has been buying her pink dresses"
she gave me a pity laugh and said "ohh the dad jokes are starting already"
What is happening to me?
Context: I am in a chemistry class where we are analyzing amounts of mercury in fish sample matrix that is not reaching the conditions for analysis.
Joke: You can tuna fish, but you can't tuna Mercury matrix.
It isn't exactly a joke, it's more of a jerk move that just happens to be funny, but whenever my Dad and I go out to eat, (or whenever we're eating really), he'll always take a bite from my plate saying that he is making sure it isn't poisoned, and if he likes it, he has to take a second sample to make sure. When I was a kid he would do it all the time and I would get so upset, and now I do it to my little brother whenever I take him out to eat, and it makes him so miffed.
Took my precious grandparents to Cold Stone for a late night snack. After waiting line, trying many samples and finally ordering and getting our ice cream, my grandma goes to pay. After some searching, she hands the cashier her rewards card and continues to search for her money. After a little more fumbling, she looks up to see the cashier with a funny look on her face and tells my grandma she can't use that card. My grandma is confused and asks, "why, is it expired?" To which the young girl responds, "no, it's just that we're not Ohmaha Steaks."
My grandma is super embarrassed and my grandpa turns to me and says, "it seems your grandma has a case of cardszheimers."
A man registered for a woodworking class at his local college. At the end of orientation day, he went up to his professor and nervously enquired whether they would be learning how to make chairs.
"But of course," exclaimed the instructor. "Why?"
"Oh well you see," the man exhaled, visibly relieved "I suffer from IBS and my doctor requested a stool sample."
As I stepped out of the bathroom and handed the doctor my sample, I said, "Urine for a treat!"
I'm so proud of myself.
My daughter and I were in CostCo the other day. She stopped to get a sample of gouda cheese. She doesn't like gouda cheese but decided to taste it. She says "I'm gonna eat this gouda cheese." "I said "That's gou-da for you."
As my wife and I approached the samples stand at BJ's, I noticed they were sampling cashews. So naturally I faked a sneeze and said "CASSSSSSSSHHHHEEEWWWW!"
She replied, "you know, three people have done jokes like that today, and they've all been guys."
So as we were walking away, I said, "alright, cashew later!"
She told me that was a new one :)
Me and my girlfriend were grocery shopping when we saw a woman sampling Magic Hat beer. She asked us if we wanted a sample and being lushes we said sure.
She asked if we wanted to sample the Magic Hat HIPA. My reply was "I thought you weren't supposed to talk about HIPA?"
She looked a bit confused until my girlfriend slapped my hand that she realized what I meant and she gave a giggle.
HIPA tasted pretty good if anyone is interested.
My husband is the punniest person in the world, a sample of his humor:
I was eating in a Middle Eastern restaurant when I heard a loud noise, "kabob, kabob", I falafel my chair, there was a double hummus side at the next table. I didn't try to be a gyro, then a shawarma police rushed in.
My cube-mate was standing on a stool in his office and commenting how awesome it was to be so tall. Everyone was cracking jokes, and I asked, "Hey, do you suppose I could get a sample to try out?"
"... A stool sample?"
The other coworkers got it and laughed, and the one standing on the stool just laughed with us but apparently didn't get it, because a minute later he then hung his head and started laughing as well.
One of my proudest achievements at work!
They visit their doctor, who says, "You're both healthy and work out, I don't think there'll be a problem. I need a sperm sample though." The elderly couple took the clear bottle home and brought it back the next day. The doctor holds the bottle up to the light and says, "This bottle is empty sir." The elderly man replies, "I tried it with my right hand and with my left hand, Ma tried it with her right hand and her left hand, with her teeth in and her teeth out. But no matter what we did, we couldn't get that lid off that bottle."
My wife and I are at the winery with my parents and the guy pouring samples is just flirting with all of the women, including my mom and wife, and telling dirty jokes, which is no big deal, but I don't really appreciate him calling wine "panty dropper" when he pours it for my mom. That kind of weird stuff, y'know?
Then he tells a story that he has an identical twin brother, and when they were infants, people would always ask his mother how she tells the two of them apart.
"I can tell them apart by their balls,"
And we're all like, "Jesus, enough with the gross out humor already," but he finishes the joke; "One of the babies bawls all day, the other bawls all night,"
My actual dad was waiting for free samples while I waited along the side. Some other dad was rolling his cart and told me to watch my foot because his cart was not turning well.
I told him immediately after,"Well at least you have a trustworthy cart; it won't turn on you!"
My dad was really proud of me.
Me: they had to take a stool sample from me at the lab.
Wife: Ewww. Why?
Me: My family history. We have cancer up the wazoo.
I was at the deli counter stocking up on sammich supplies. The people at the counter usually offer samples, especially when I've got my daughter with me. So anyway, I was handing a slice of extra sharp cheddar to my daughter as my wife was walking away, and I called out extra loud(so she could hear me), "Make sure you don't cut yourself!" I looked back with the biggest, most stupidest smile I could muster, and much to my satisfaction, she was weeping in the produce section. With joy, I'm sure.
Told my step daughter that the girl had purchased a stool sample!
Be courteous to the DeDutch waitstaff (and to yourself) this holiday season by leaving your dads at home before dining at DeDutch. Following is just a small sample of jokes that your dad WILL make after ordering his DeBratwurst from DeLunch menu on his DeClub card.
The waitstaff will pretend to laugh every time. But secretly they die inside a little every time.
It's really quite DeSpicable.
Alton was working with his prop Bessy the cow when he pulled a stool out from it.
Alto says "Do you know why this stool is so small?" No one answers. He said "because it's a sample."
I was describing my experience at the ENT (Ears, Nose, Throat) doctor to my boyfriend.
Me: So he took a sample from my throat to get it cultured. Bf: What?! He's saying you're not cultured? Me: Ugh....... DADDDDD
I work as a lab tech in my university, and as I was preparing some bacterial streak plates for some students (mind you, we use an innoculating loop to transfer bacteria from a sample tube to plates), I said to some of the students: "what did one bacteria said to the other? Let's get looped, and go streaking."
I received an uniform look of dissapointment and a couple of facepalms from the students while I giggled at my joke. The teacher loved it though.
We were discussing a new RN who had sent a urine sample from the Foley catheter pilot balloon instead of the catheter itself.
Our educator said, "She didn't seem to get it. She wasn't bothered at all."
I said, "You don't think she understood the specific gravity of the situation?"
While sitting in the emergency room:
Dad: "I see they left a stool sample." *points -> http://imgur.com/F7PwGT2
My dad and I were at a bar once, a better-than-normal place for us...one of those bars that has pretty girls walking around offering sample shots in an effort to flirt and booze men into taking out their wallets and buying the top-shelf stuff. Anyways, this shot girl is handing out Absolut samples. He tries it, likes it, decides to order one.
Few minutes later she walks by again, "Can I get anything for you gentleman?"
"Yeah," my dad replies, "I want one of those." He's point straight at her ladybits with a smug little grin on his face. She's wearing an apron that says "Absolut" and an expression that says "Gross."
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