Imagine being held at gunpoint by (bear with me) a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on social media.

wHo the hEll would beLieve such a thing can hapPen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SocialPerformer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
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Why was the farmer afraid to rescue the cow from on top of the barn?

The steaks were too high.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mrunibrowman
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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Why didn't the lifeguard rescue the hippie?

Because he was too far out man.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheHeroicOnion
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
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I work with a small town search and rescue. We recently had a guy visiting from the big city to do some kayaking on the river.

He doesn't know the area and gets himself lost. All he does know is that there are a lot of grizzly bears roaming around during the salmon spawn this time of year, so he's quite afraid to get out of his kayak.

The temperature starts to drop. He needs to stay warm, and decides to build a fire inside his little boat on the river.

He learnt a valuable lesson that night: you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Islander399
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
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The head of Big Cat Rescue and the female antagonist in the hit Netflix documentary has been arrested after holding up an ice cream shop.

Police are reporting that it was Baskin-Robbins.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cashmag3001
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
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Why didn’t the lifeguard rescue the hippie?

Because he was faaaar out maaaaaan....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RDS327
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
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Why couldn't the coast guard rescue the hippie?

Because he was too far out

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wookslayer69
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2018
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This morning a criminal broke into the dog rescue center and released all the dogs!

The police are still​ desperately looking for any leads..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/keenan316
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2017
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Did you hear about the dolphin at Sea World that is now used for underwater rescues?

He was reporpoised

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cowhunter101
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2018
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In some areas of the country horse rescue organizations are the glue that holds the community together

As dictated by my father to me, to share with you all.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2017
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Earlier today a man was rescued while at the local barbershop

He told reporters that it was a β€˜close shave’

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LoveThyLoki
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
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The mayor of Cowville hosted a citywide celebration of their milk. At the opening ceremony the mayor stood proudly above a pool of milk to show the exceptional quality. Unfortunately as he left the stage he fell into the pool of milk. The townsmen quickly rescued him and asked if he was okay:

"Yes", he said, "I'm all-white".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Snaaaaaaaaaake
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
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I took my daughter to adopt a cat at the shelter. I was surprised we had to sign an itemized legal contract with expected costs. When I told the clerk I thought rescuing a cat would be free...

She told me ”Dad, If you want a cat, you should expect a fee line.” I’m so proud!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tarynxm
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2019
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Did you hear about the helicopter crew who rescued a CNN reporter?

It was on r/upliftingnews

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryanm1903
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
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What did Cher say to the orphan pig she rescued? reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealisticAttack
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
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News reporter - "They have rescued and got all 12 of the young boys and their coach out of the caves"

Dad - "How did they get the coach down there?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/13-Bastards
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2018
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Reddit founder

Went on a fishing trip and got lost in the sea. Luckily for him he was rescued all because he had a lof flairs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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Three little pigs

Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Pork Chop, Hambone, and Bacon.

The boys lived at home with their mother. One day their mother said, β€œI no longer have enough food to feed you boys, you need to go out on your own and find your fortunes.”

Not wanting to upset their mother they left the house together to seek their fortunes.

Several miles into their journey Bacon, the little pig everyone liked best, said, β€œLet’s build our houses here! This seems like a great place to start making our fortunes.”

Pork Chop and Hambone agreed. So they all began building their houses.

Pork Chop, the laziest of the bunch, decided to build his house out of straw, which he apparently stole from a nearby field. It was not a very sturdy building material, but Pork Chop didn’t care. All he wanted to do was play all day, and he didn’t want to spend too much time building.

Hambone was willing to work a bit harder and he decided to build his house out of sticks which he procured by de-limbing every tree within a 300 meter radius of their homestead.

Hambone and Pork Chop were happy. Now all they had to do was to play and sleep the rest of the day.

Now Bacon was a hard worker. He knew that his brothers had used bad materials and shoddy construction methods and he wanted to build the best house he could. He found several tons of bricks stacked in neatly ordered pallets in the forest which he decided to use for his building material. It took him several days, but when he was done Bacon had the best house on the homestead.

The next day a wolf, Scott Howard, happened upon the pig brothers and their new homestead. He spied the straw house and smelled Pork Chop inside and began to think to himself that Pork Chop would make a mighty fine meal, so Scott went and knocked on the door.

Scott said, β€œLittle Pig! Little Pig! Let me in!”

Pork Chop replied, β€œNo way JosΓ©! Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!”

Scott, undeterred by the reply says, β€œThen I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your crappy straw house to the ground!”

Scott began to huff and puff. He was evidently having some sort of asthma attack, but after a few tugs from his handy dandy rescue inhaler, he was able to muster enough wind to blow Pork Chops straw house to the ground.

Pork Chop narrowly escaped Scott’s massive jaws. Scared, and now homeless, Pork Chop ran for the nearest shelter he could see. Hambone’s house.

Scott, undeterred, chased Pork Chop to his new hiding place. Scott was very pleas

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
🚨︎ report
There was a fire in the ant hills today

Luckily, fire ants came to the rescue.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kaushik_220601
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2019
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10 men trapped in Alaska

I remember years ago when in my remote town in Alaska there were 10 men stuck underground. I don't recall the circumstances that got them into this situation but it was clear that if they didn't get out soon they weren't going to make it.

All of our local rescue and public services were unable to get them out and they were running out of time. With only 18 hours remaining they sent for the only expert who could help, a rescue operations legend Mr. Puh. If he could get a plane into town it could make all the difference.

I remember gathering around the radio, biting our nails, as weather conditions worsened and threatened the planes journey.

I don't remember how long I stayed awake that night, but I will never forget the words I heard when I turned the radio on in the morning: "Puh not in, ten dead."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToyokiSonoda
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2018
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My dad dropped this ones back in 2010 after those Chilean miners were rescued.

Us watching the news cast telling us they were rescued.

Dad: β€œWow that’s crazy. And even after that long ordeal they still can’t have any alcohol to celebrate.”

Me: (Wondering if it had to do medically with the length of time they were underground or the extreme depth.) β€œReally? Why?”

Dad: β€œBecause they are still miners”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dontbthatguy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2018
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Two woman are sitting on a roof because their town is being flooded

The second woman looks to the first woman and asks what they should do?

"God will save us" she says.

The two women sit there for a while and watch the water continue to rise. Eventually a rescue team in a rubber dinghy turn up.

"Jump on" says the rescuer. The second woman quickly jumps into the dinghy. The first woman looks annoyed and states bluntly that "God will save me". The rescuer shakes his head and drives off.

A few hours go by and the rain begins falling harder and harder. The entire house aside from the roof is submerged.

She hears the sound of a helicopter before she sees it. The helicopter hovers above and throws down a rope ladder.

"Climb up!" Shouts the rescuer.

The woman shakes her head refusing to move "No, god will save me".

The rescuer shakes his head and the helicopter flies off.

Time passes by and the water is now up to the top of the roof. She hears an aeroplane swoop in low overhead, dropping life jackets along the street for anyone left behind.

"No" she shakes her head "God will save me!"

The inevitable happens and after she drowns the storms into heaven upset. "God! Why didn't you save me?"

He looks to her and rolls his eyes. "Well I sent a boat, a helicopter and a life jacket what else do you want me to do?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naiphe
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2018
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Last Summer With My Girlfriend

Last summer, my girlfriend and I went camping. One of the days, we were having lunch by a river (a kind of a picnic sort of thing). Now, I talk a lot when I eat, so she finished eating waaaaay before I did. Once she was finished, she took to the water to cool off while I continued munching away.

Now, I guess she must have slipped or something, because all of a sudden I heard a cry and she was just gone. Washed away. I saw her head bob above the surface probably 20 yards downstream, and moving fast towards some rapids (probably 100-150 yards away). So I'm pretty panicked at this point, but she manages to grab onto a low-hanging branch (just like in a movie or something). She's coughing and sputtering and hollering for help, trying to keep a grip on the branch.

So, I set down my avocado I'd been snacking on and walked out into the water. "hurry! I can't hold on much longer," she's yelling. I kept walking towards her, but the bottom of the river was so muddy that it was probably pretty slow. She started to get angry with me "SWIM over here! Why are you walking? Please hurry!" She yelled, with great urgency. All in all, it took me probably 8 minutes to cover the 80 yards or so to get to her. After I rescued her, she was super mad for some reason. She was all "I almost died, why were you going so slow? Who does that? What's wrong with you?"

"Well," I said. "Good things are worth wading for."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRiz89
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2014
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A dad joke, taken too far.

Back in the late 80's, my dad had a joke he loved to tell everyone he met. It went something like this:

I was driving down the road and ended up behind this ambulance with its rear door open. I tried honking and flashing my lights to get their attention about it, but they didn't seem to notice. As they turned the corner away from us, a small cooler fell out. I pulled over to rescue the cooler, and when I opened it, I found a human toe, on ice.

At this point, the victim of the joke is supposed to ask what he did with the toe. He responds with "I called the Tow Truck!" and hearty laughter.

Being the 1980's, e-mail wasn't prevalent, and calling long distance could get expensive, so he communicated with his out of state family primarily through mailed letters. He wrote this joke (sans punchline) in a letter to his mom. Not knowing it was a joke, she told the story to her friends and family. My aunt heard this story, and told it to her classes (she's a teacher) and one of her students actually got in a fight with his mom who said that could never happen.

A month or two later, we were getting together for a holiday and the toe story came up in conversation. My dad replied that he called the tow truck, and his laughter was met with horrified stares. By this time, nearly everyone in the small town was enthralled with this amazing story that my grandma had told about her son who lived in the city. She was imagining all of the people she had to contact to tell the real story to. Many took it in stride, but others were quite annoyed. Especially my aunt, who had to apologize to every one of her classes at school.

TLDR: A dad joke with no punch line doesn't belong in a letter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/freakmn
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2014
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Got dadjoked by my Captain

We were going over our rope rescue equipment and I noticed that part of the rope was becoming worn.

Me: "Hey Captain. There's a spot here that looks a little worn, should we be worried."

Captain: "We should be afraid."

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2014
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The Man, the Sheep and the Dog

a man, a sheep and a dog are the only survivors of a shipwreck and get marooned on a desert island with more than enough food. days, weeks and months pass and the only thing the can look forward to on the island everyday is the beautiful sunset! every evening the man, the sheep and the dog go and watch the sunset... one day the man attempted to put his arm around the sheep and the dog goes crazy so he has to retract his arm. he angrily exclaims "I was just cuddling!" the next evening they are back on the beach and the man sees something out to sea... after further investigation he sees it is a unconscious woman on a raft! the man swims out and rescues the woman, takes her to shore and nurses her back to health they begin chatting and get on incredibly well, she was a beautiful young woman with a great sense of humour. the next evening the man, the woman, the sheep and the dog go to the beach to watch the sunset as per usual... whilst sitting on the beach the woman looked up at the man, and he looked back at her. she says how can I ever repay you? the man then says "you can you take the dog for a walk?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/frzr-csgo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2015
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A dad poem

Not really a joke, but my dad would say this poem all the time.

One bright day in the middle of the night Two dead boys got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, Drew their swords, and shot one another. A deaf policeman heard the noise And came to the rescue of the two dead boys If you don't believe this lie is true, Ask the blind man, he saw it too.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/asmondaus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2015
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Was playing Broforce with my siblings.

My sis died and as soon as she was freed from the cage, she asked "Am I rescued?"

Could not resist and replied "Nope. You're adopted."

Sidenote: we're all blood related just to let you all know.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/foxsight
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2016
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Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on Reddit.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StewPaddasso
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2017
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Why did the lifeguard not rescue the hippy?

He was too far out man!

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bunit5
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2017
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