One night a viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window...

He said to his wife "It's going to rain."

His wife looks at him and says "What? How do you know?"

He then proceeds to look his wife dead in the eyes and exclaims: "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Skylantech
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 18 2021
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Why did numerous Elmo dolls leave the factory with one red ball sewn in the groin area?

The worker was told to give each doll one test tickle.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Corvette-Ronnie
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 22 2021
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My girlfriend and I were just touring the farmerโ€™s market - she said one of the tables had some red hot chilli peppers, and asked if I wanted some.

I said, only if theyโ€™re givinโ€™ โ€˜em away, givinโ€™ โ€˜em away, givinโ€™ โ€˜em away now.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ARCdotcom
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 13 2021
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Snoopy AKA Snoop dogg AKA the Red Baron has been spotted flying his Dogg house today. It is understood that he defeated his enemies in one fell snoop.
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Badwolfgyt
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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What do I have if I have 8 red LEGO bricks in one hand and 16 blue LEGO bricks in the other hand?

Really big hands.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/andersonfmly
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 01 2020
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My sister is really indecisive. When I bought her that red phone cover she always wanted she returned it and bought a blue one, then she returned that one and bought the red one again!

I knew that would be the case.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/chongdog
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
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Did you hear about the two ships that collided the other day? One was carrying blue paint and one was carrying red paint

All the survivors were marooned...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/yabyum
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 24 2018
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Out of all the melons, my favorite is the big green one which is all red inside and riddled with seeds.

What a melon!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Apostjustforthis
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 02 2017
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If you're looking for a specific Red Herring, how do you know if you've got the right one?
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/smallnorth
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
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Two vampire bats in a cave, one goes out in search of fresh blood in the local village, and comes back with a face covered in red blood. His friend says "what did you eat to get all that?" The first bat replies:

"You see that steeple on that church over there? Yeah, I hit it."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/palpameme_66
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 14 2018
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Redhead Jack

You remember the story of Jack and the Beanstock? Imagine if Jack had red hair.

Hints:

Fee-fi-fo-fum,
I smell the blood of an Englishman,
Be he alive, or be he dead
I'll grind his bones to make my bread.

This one is a bit dark.

Ok, too subtle perhaps:

>!Outside of the U.S., red heads are generally called "gingers". Thus, redhead Jack is a ginger, and if the giant makes his bread from Jack's bones, he has made bread out of a ginger, which makes it...!<

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/LordRybec
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 11 2021
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/communist_scumbag
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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Many years ago there was a vicious viking named Rรผdoff.

Rรผdoff was one of the best fighters in his village and a terrifying opponent on the battlefield. He would often return from battle, so drenched in his opponent's blood that he became known as "Rรผdoff det rรธde", meaning "the red".

After years of wars, and regular battles, Rรผdoff finally grew old, and decided that his fighting days were behind him. He became the best farmer that his village had ever known and people would travel from.far away to ask him about his crops and to predict the weather, as he was quite proficient at it.

One morning he wokeup, and looked out the window, the skys were clear and the sun was shining, but Rรผdoff could feel the pressure in his old bones and battle scars

"It will Rain soon", he said to his wife while she made breakfast. She glanced outside and told him he was nuts, it was bright and sunny.

He simply hiked up his pants and reminded her:

Rรผdoff The Red knows rain, dear.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/smoffatt34920
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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Escape

A blonde, brunette and a red head escape from prison. While running across a field they hear the guards coming and being tired, the red head suggested hiding in some potato sacks they found.

When the guards reached the sacks one kicked the bag containing the red head, she went meow meow. "Just a sack of kittens" said the guard. Then he kicked the brunettes bag, she went woof woof. "Just a bag of puppies". Lastly he kicked the blondes bag and she went potato potato.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/syhendrickson
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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I'm a fairly new dad and I'm proud of this

I was out grocery shopping yesterday and was looking at wines. The lady next to me grabbed a bottle but knocked another bottle to the floor. It broke and red wine went everywhere. I said the first thing that came to mind...

"Caught you red handed".

She looked and me and started laughing. One of my proudest moments.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KingLui014
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
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When I was a kid, I fell down and hurt my knee. As I sat there crying, my father came over to check on me.

Dad pointed to a red area near the top of my knee that was obviously the injury and said โ€œwhere does it hurt? Is it your high knee, (then he points much lower) or your low knee?โ€

I respond, โ€œitโ€™s my high knee.โ€

Dad says, โ€œitโ€™s your heinie??! I thought you hurt your knee!โ€

I remember being furious. I have now pulled this one on my five year old, and I canโ€™t wait until my one year old is old enough to be on the receiving end of it as well.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mikehocksbig
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 25 2018
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An old man lay dying under the ceiling fan which had the bearing of a military helicopter airily surveying the aftermath of a natural disaster.

Surrounded by his son, his twin daughters and a haggard-looking nurse who looked about ready to end it all if only she could find the bloody switch, he was finally breathing his last.

His son, who loved him dearly and wasn't at all sure if he had been cut out of the will or not, burst into tears at the plight of a man who would look more at home in a red woolly outfit than he ever could in drab, white linen.

"I do not wish to die today, Anthony", he intoned fixing his gaze slightly above his son's left shoulder, "there is something you must do to save me."

"Tell me what to do dad, I can't bear to look at you this way", cried Anthony.

"There is a land, not far from here, where no one ever dies. It is not for dying you see. That is where I must go."

"Where is this place father? Tell me, and I shall take you to it."

"Take me there now", he said faintly as if in great pain, "Take me to, The Living Room."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/LazyLeo1337
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 02 2018
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Proud dad moment

Today I held up three colored balls in my hand. One red, one green, and one blue. My 1yr old son (after much debate) chose the red one. Iโ€™ve never been so proud. He has earned the right to play with my old game boy now.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Engineer_7
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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A gentleman is shipwrecked...

And on waking discovered himself to be on a beach. The sand is dark red. He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around for a while and sees dark red grass, dark red birds, and dark red fruit in dark red trees. He is shocked when he finds that his skin is also dark red. "Aaargh!" he cries "I've been marooned!"

My dad emailed me that one back in 2009.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Confusing_Musings
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
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Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KW-DadJoker
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 24 2020
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Blood...

My daughter was in and out of the hospital a lot when she was a kid. One day she came home, and she asked me if I knew what the doctors used to draw blood. I said a needle. She said no a red crayon!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kccole42
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
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There's a detective named Frederick Lee...

His teammate is an anthropomorphic pig who wore a hood like little red riding hood. The pigโ€™s name was Boar-Hood. So this one time, I wanted them to check out a masked menace in New York City. Fred wanted to lead the investigation. But since the criminalโ€™s mask was animal themed, I said to them, โ€œFred Lee: nay. Boar-hood: spy the manโ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/megadecimal
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
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A captain and his crew. (Hopefully hasnโ€™t been posted before lol)

Once upon a time there was a pirate captain who was the most amazing best captain a crew could ever ask for. His crew loved him more than anything and would do absolutely anything for him.

One day as they were sailing, a crew member In the crows nest shouts, โ€œone ship off the port side!โ€ Immediately the captain yells at his crew, โ€œMen! Bring me my red shirt!โ€

Slightly confused, the men hesitate for a second and then hurry off to bring the captain his red shirt. Amazingly they win the battle!

The men are so happy and thankful their captain brought them safely through the battle they donโ€™t even care why the captain wanted his red shirt.

A few months of sailing some more, again the man in the crows nest yells, โ€œTwo ships off the port side!โ€ Quickly the captain screams, โ€œMen! Bring me my red shirt!โ€ The crew doesnโ€™t hesitate this time to get him his red shirt and what do you know? They win this battle too!!

The crew is astounded at their captains awesomeness!!! They honestly could not find anyone better. This time though the crew stops a moment and asks the captain, โ€œWhy do you always have us bring you your red shirt?โ€

The captain replies, โ€œWell men, if I get stabbed the blood will blend into my red shirt and it will look like Iโ€™m not hurt so that you will all fight as hard as if I were still alive.โ€

The men canโ€™t believe what they hear! How could they be so lucky as to have a captain so incredibly smart and courageous??!!

Two seconds later, โ€œTWENTY SEVEN SHIPS OFF THE PORT SIDE!!!!!!!โ€

Calmly, with an even tone, the captain says, โ€œMen, bring me my brown pants.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RecTym
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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It's that time of year again.

One night a viking named Rudolph The Red was looking out the window when he suddenly said "It's going to rain".

His wife was confused and asked him "How do you know?"

He looked at her and responded "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Edit: Oooh my first Silver, thank you very much whoever you are!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Sur5er
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
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So I know of this mall that uses animal employees...

I was walking along the food court when I saw this one animal that was incredibly overdressed compared to the others. While most where in their uniform, this one was in a red and gold robe, and was strangely being followed by a bunch of Buddhist monks.

I asked one of the customers if it was an Alpaca Packer.

They said no.

It's the Deli Llama.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/wolfyfancylads
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
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A Russian couple is arguing about the weather.

One says it is raining, the other says it is simply a mist.

To settle their dispute, they stop and ask a guard outside the Kremlin for his opinion.

"Rudolph, please help us with this disagreement! Is it raining, or not?"

Rudolph replies, "It is raining."

"I knew we could depend on you, Comrade. You see," he says to his partner, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/finestjuggler
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I donโ€™t think theyโ€™ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but donโ€™t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

โ€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, โ€˜The good news is..itโ€™ll feel better when it quits hurting.'โ€

Whatโ€™s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

โ€œIโ€™ll call you later!โ€- โ€œPlease donโ€™t do that. Iโ€™ve always asked you to call me Dad!โ€

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

โ€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: โ€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.โ€™โ€

โ€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, โ€˜No, just leave it in the carton!โ€™โ€

I got so angry the other day when I couldnโ€™t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book Iโ€™ve ever read, Iโ€™d say: โ€œWow, thatโ€™s coincidental.โ€

Iโ€™m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build itโ€™s house? Igloos it together.

โ€œMe: โ€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!โ€™ Dad: โ€˜Poof, Youโ€™re a sandwich!โ€™โ€

โ€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

โ€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? Theyโ€™re all girls, otherwise theyโ€™d be uncles.โ€

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth โ€“ its pasteurized before you even see it

โ€œWhatโ€™s Forrest Gumpโ€™s password? 1forrest1โ€

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: โ€œDonโ€™t worry; this is a piece of cake.โ€ I said: โ€œNo, itโ€™s a math problem.โ€

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I donโ€™t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Iโ€™m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 38
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/weeb123xD
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2019
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An elderly couple from Russia...

is walking in St. Petersburg Square one cold evening, when a light precipitation begins to fall.

"It looks like rain", said the man.

"Oh no dear, it's definitely snow. Look at the way it blows in the light", said the woman.

The man turns to his wife and says, "Let's ask the military officer over there. Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"

"Definitely rain, sir!"

"See, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/stdubbs
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 15 2018
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The Viking Tale of Bran Rudolph the Red.

There are many tales that have come from Viking lore but few are as lost as the tale of Bran Rudolph the Red.

It was said that he was blessed by God's with a keen ability to predict the weather. Due to this magical gift, he became a renowned seaman. Feared by his enemies, and respected by his bannermen. After years of successful raids and conquests, one of his shield maidens finally plucked up the courage and asked him how he does it.

"Bran, how do you always predict the weather? How have you always, managed to avoid every storm the sea throws at you". All his men laughed and looked up at their leader. Before he could respond, his right-hand man stood up and with a smile on his face and retorted, " It's simple. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Birdman27
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

One clown asked another clown, โ€œWhy do elephants paint their toenails red?โ€

The second clown thought and replied that he didnโ€™t know.

The first clown said, โ€œSo they can hide in cherry trees! Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?โ€

โ€œNo,โ€ replied the second clown.

โ€œSee how well it works!โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tfraymond
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
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I rear ended a dwarf in a mini...

He hopped out, waddled over, and signalled me to wind down my window.

As the window came down, red in the face he yelled โ€œI AM NOT HAPPY!โ€

To which I replied, โ€œWell which one are you then?โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Seshimus
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
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Red Skelton's eye exam

To build up my spirits he said, โ€œNow, anything can affect your eye. Most anything. Like Iโ€™ve got one patient who lost an eye drinking coffee.โ€

I said, โ€œLost an eye drinking coffee?โ€

He said, โ€œYeah, he forgot to take the spoon out of the cup.โ€

http://red-skelton.info/articles/jokes/red-skeltons-eye-exam/

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tfraymond
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
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Green Apple Red Apple

There is 1 green apple and 1 red apple on a table. How many of them are green?

All of them, except the red one.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/N0PESTRADAMUS
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
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A viking named Rudolph The Red was looking out his window one day

"Its going to rain soon" he said to his wife. "How could you possibly know that?" She asked. He simply replied, "Because Rudolph The Red knows rain, dear."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 62
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kriskidd21
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said "It's going to rain". His wife asked "how do you know?"

"Because rudolph the red knows rain, dear"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TripHasard
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 08 2018
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One Night a Viking named Rudolph the Red told his wife, Itโ€™s going to Rain...she asked how he knew...

Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear

(Yes, I stole this from another sub:))

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DJBlue18
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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Rudolph The Red and his wife are out walking one day, Rudolph says, โ€œIt looks like rain.โ€ His wife says, โ€œYou donโ€™t know that.โ€ To which he replies,

โ€œRudolph The Red knows rain, dear.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/i_am_the_arm__
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
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A famous viking of the red clan came home one day and told his wife it's gonna rain tomorrow. She asked him how he knows. He told her:

Rudolf the red knows rain, dear!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/psayayayduck
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
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A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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A Viking named Rudolph the Red

One night a viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said, โ€œItโ€™s going to rain.โ€ His wife asked, โ€œHow do you know?โ€ He said, โ€œBecause Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/-Tigger
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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What does blue paint smell like?

Red paint.

And what happened to the crews when a ship carrying blue paint and one carrying red paint collided?

They were marooned.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/IranRPCV
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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Two cab drivers met.

"Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"

"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hayeshilton
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Josvys
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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Red man flashing

One day there was a red man in his red house so in the morning he went to have a shower but when he got in to the shower his red sister had to go to the toilet so the red man got his red towel and walked outside because he heard a bang at the door and when he bent over to get the newspaper his towel fell off and a little old lady crossed the road and got hit by a truck, Donโ€™t cross the road while the red man is flashing!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/cyproyt
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 28 2018
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Rudolph the Red

One day a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said โ€œitโ€™s going to rain tonightโ€.

His wife asked, โ€œhow do you know?โ€

โ€œBecause Rudolph the Red knows rain, dearโ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/blighternet
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
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Two ships collided in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

Two ships collided in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. One was carrying red paint and one was carrying blue paint. The crews of both ships were marooned.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Intagvalley
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 14 2018
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