The Mama Roach asked "What will happen to us if that human sprays us with Raid?"

The Papa Roach replied "Suffocation. No breathing."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SammDogg619
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
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Why did Vice Squad raid the water treatment plant?

They'd received a tip about a bunch of Pumps and Hoses.

(I'm sorry. I just got off work, heard "pumps and hoses" on the radio, and a bad idea was born.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OOOH_WHATS_THIS
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
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The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man

... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SumFunnyOne
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
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The people who actually show up to the Area 51 raid are really gonna go out with a bang.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kadedubson30
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2019
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The New Zealand Police investigating another kind of ram-raid
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blumelon
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
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The police raided a church for drugs

They found nun

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πŸ‘€︎ u/clone2334
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
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A man was recently caught for going around the neighborhood stealing power sources from remote controls and raiding spice cabinets.

The Judge found him guilty of a salt and battery

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ibmacalicious
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
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What did the police say when they raided the seafood restaurant?

Don't move a mussel.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StephenHunterUK
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2017
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How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?

They use a Sven Diagram.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Targetsb
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
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Girlfriend spots me raiding the fridge: "There's a man in the fridge..."

Me: "He's just chilling out!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BopNiblets
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2015
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Did you all hear about the drug bust at the bug spray factory?

Police said it was the greatest Raid ever!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kremitthegorf
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
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I heard the police raided my neighbors house on suspicion of a brutal murder...

... When they charged into the bathroom they found Head and Shoulders.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheHattGuy
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2016
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The Viking Tale of Bran Rudolph the Red.

There are many tales that have come from Viking lore but few are as lost as the tale of Bran Rudolph the Red.

It was said that he was blessed by God's with a keen ability to predict the weather. Due to this magical gift, he became a renowned seaman. Feared by his enemies, and respected by his bannermen. After years of successful raids and conquests, one of his shield maidens finally plucked up the courage and asked him how he does it.

"Bran, how do you always predict the weather? How have you always, managed to avoid every storm the sea throws at you". All his men laughed and looked up at their leader. Before he could respond, his right-hand man stood up and with a smile on his face and retorted, " It's simple. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Birdman27
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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I dated a household product exterminator once and didn't know it...

I guess my first tipoff should have came with all the Raids. But it really came to light with all the Black Flags.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
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I'm a street performer at the Minnesota Renaissance Festival. I tell punny jokes there, thought you'd enjoy them.

The King is in love with the Spanish Armada, in fact you could say he warships it.

I got into a fight with a group of jesters, I escaped by going for the juggler.

I recently read "Gulliver's Travels" it was a Swift read.

Have you read the book about traveling through hell? It's a Dante-ing read.

Q: How many animals can you fight into the Lord High Sheriff's tights? A: Ten piggies, two calves, a rooster and an ass.

Vikings raided the royal cheese supply, they left nothing behind but de Brie.

I met a wizard, I told him he looked like a mana action.

The unskilled mason forget to put a water supply in the new castle. He did not keep well.

The angry archer was so surly he had everyone convinced he was a cross bowman.

The failed stone cutter also lost his job as a bounty hunter. He could never find his quarry.

The nun kept spilling sacramental wine on herself. She made a bad habit of it.

The pope enjoys chocolate on his boat. He like sailing indulgences.

The pope loves summer, they say he is infallible.

Two fae fell in love. They keep fauning over each other.

The knight suffered from boils, he had to get them lanced.

Why did the wood nymph use some much lotion? Because she had dryad skin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kbdekker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2016
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Police Sheep

Local police have been experimenting with training sheep to assist the swat teams in raids. Specially trained sheep will assist teams with breaking down doors to get into the buildings.

They call it a battering ram.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/solomonsaysgo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2018
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In North Dakota there was once a farmer

...who lived on theft. Every year he would raid his neighbour's wheat bins, sell what he took and then go south to spend the winter living on his ill-gotten grains.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/potatering
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2013
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This conversation between my (ex)gf.

Long post is long:

Her: Remember dad's tomato bushes? Well they're attacking! At least one is leaning across the path trying to get at my window... We had the war of the roses, now its time for the attack of the tomatoes!

Me: I don't remember anything about tomato bushes. From one battle to the next.

Her: Yep! Lookout tomatoes here comes the chutney recipe!

Me: I can just imagine a cucumber campaign. Operation onion would be next, which will fail, causing everyone to cry. Dill Day follows, a great success for the allied gardeners. All too soon though, the kamikaze carrots set in, utterly ruining the radish raid. The mushroom maneuver is employed, saving the troops, allowing them to deal the final blow in the asparagus assault!

Her: Don't forget the pumpkins want to supply ground cover with heavy support...

Me: Ah yes, the pumpkin paratroopers.

Her: Thyme is running out...

Me: Prepare the beetroot bombs!!!

Her: Aim for Potato Garden!

Me: Fire the capsicum! Deploy the celery team!

Her: Bring in the egg plant division to support the capsicum!

Me: This is it boys, life or dirt! I want a passionfruit unit to find us a vantage point, and the strawberry unit to surround them!

Her: We had better bring the lettuce up to date!

Me: The cabbage are under withering fire, we need support from the raspberry division! The potatoes are mashed, so well need to send the zucchini in their place!

Her: The zucchini can't take that heavy fire, they'll be grated. Send spinach for some extra iron. The sweet potatoes are digging in at the ridge.

Me: Prepare the watermelon bomb, we need to finish this! The eggplant were squashed, deploy the broccoli brigade! The beans need to get out of there, or they'll be split!

Her: Cauliflowers are going in to retrieve the beans. How brave to risk their florets!

The corn commandos are deployed, but the artichokes are all out of heart, we need to boost morale.

Me: The leeks are down! They'll be flattened if we don't do something!

Are the spinach still operational?

Her: Too bad the pepper isn't on our side, they're well seasoned troops.

Spinach is a go!
Nothing has touched it...

Me: But wait! We still have the chillies to give them heavy fire!

Her: And the squashes and peas!

Me: The ginger is holding it's ground, but it's being cut down by the pineapple!

The basil should make things interesting, send them to aid the potatoes.

**Her:

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zokoro
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2017
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Dad joked my employees

Two of my employees were discussing the TV show Vikings. One told the other that Viking was originally a verb meaning raiding as in "I'm going Viking." I said. "That's just Swedish for I want to cycle. I'm going Viking."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ofbu
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2014
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What did the police say when they raided a sea food restaurant?

Nobody move a mussel!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LoLMiX16
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2017
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