A list of puns related to "The Pretender"
Noble gases have no reaction.
He was ostrich-sized
Stop pretending.
When I woke up I realized that there was a bounty on my head
Chalkolate
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."
The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"
He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.
"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."
The man continues to keep his cool.
"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!"
He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.
"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.
The spy smirks.
"But I still think you American spy."
The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.
He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"
The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.
The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.
After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.
In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."
The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.
"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"
The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."
It's a cherished air-loom in my family.
Called her a hootin' nanny
Oops, wrong sub.
Me: (Sits straight up) Arrgh Mateys!! Are you ready to sail the ocean blue!?
"Turn off the damn fans, I'm trying to fish over here and you are creating too much wind"...
groans ensue.....
I told him I was being counterproductive
My wife came storming in angrily, looked at us and shouted, 'Get down!'
I said, 'Follow the commander's orders, son. There might be an ambush.'
"So there is pontiac. Porsche. Packard.. You know what a Packard is, dont ya? Or is that a little before your time? How old are you? So you know what it is then, right?" So he sets up the joke incorrectly by not giving me a chance to name any. But to him, this joke is SO funny, there is no way to make it unfunny. ".. well none of them because they all start with gas." Then he turns and acts like he is about to walk out of the store, like he dropped the proverbial mic. So I feign a half smile & say "yep. Gas. Thats a good one."
Does Heaven turn out the lights and pretends nobody's home ?
My dad worked in construction for most of his life, and because he worked with his hands, he sacrificed many watches. But if you don't have a watch, how are you to tell time? My dad has a great sense of humor and is always thinking of new ways to do things to make them more practical or thinking of ways to change things to make them work better for him. So after spending way too much money on a heavy duty watch that inevitably broke on him, he came up with a better solution.
He used the working part of a clock and stuck it on the inside rim of his hat, so if he wanted to know what the time was, he just had to look up. Simple. And the way his hat was, you couldn't see the clock when looking at him unless you were underneath him and looking up.
And then came the funny part. Every time he was asked what time it was, he would look up at the sun, scan the horizon, pretend to do a math equation in his head, and tell them the exact time down to the minute. I've witnessed him doing this a few times but never gave it away. The look of surprise and confusion this gave people was priceless.
My dad had done other funny things like this, but this was by far the funniest.
Because he was a "caw'n man"!
What else have you got?
And pretend I'm the captain of a sinking submarine
I can't remember which comedian this was
My father is fond of jokes and pranks (even though I only pretend to laugh .-.) but there's this story that I always would genuinely laugh at whenever it is brought up. So here it goes...
We've always gone to Church every Sunday when we were kids and on one of those Sundays, my father decided to make my mother laugh by shaving only HALF of his beard. So while the other side has hair, the other is shaved. He casually walked up to my mother and asked if he looked good in his "new fashion style." My mother laughed so hard she couldn't breathe.
When that was over, we got ourselves ready and went to Church. While praying, there was a bunch of people looking at my father. He noticed that as soon as he looked at those people, they'd cover their face, bow their heads and walk away. He felt weird. So he got into this 'thinking position' where he had his hands to play with his beard. And that's when he realized...HE FORGOT TO SHAVE THE OTHER HALF AT HOME AND NO ONE NOTICED UNTIL WE GOT THERE. HAHAHHAHAHA He was so embarassed, he covered his whole face until mass was over.
That's all folks. Thank you for coming to my dad talks .
What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!
I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!
Have you heard of that new movie, “Constipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.
I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said “No, doc, it’s dis knee.”
Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.
When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.
What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!
I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."
Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!
Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.
Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.
What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!
What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!
Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!
How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!
When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!
19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.
My friend told me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, “Yeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”
How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!
What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. “Taken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)
How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.
If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.
I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.
I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!
What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon
Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem
... keep reading on reddit ➡The Pretenders.
Yesterday my three year old was pretending to be me -- deep voice, doing "the dishes," the whole bit. This lasted all afternoon into supper. During supper, my wife and I were both using his name, and he kept correcting us ("No, I'm daddy.") Eventually I just laughed and said "I'm confused."
His reply: "No, you're [my son's name]."
Me: omg sweetie, bring me my phone
Daughter: daddy, I said I got hurt (whimpering voice)
Me: im calling nine- waaaan-waaaan ...(pretends to hang up the phone)...the waaambumance is on the way
Daughter: there's no waaaan waaaan on your phone
I apologize to everyone in the sub about my earlier post. I was trying to make a funny joke, but I spelled the title wrong and couldn't go back. After that, everything spiraled out of control. I thought about deleting it and pretending it never happened, even denying it's very existence, but after a moment of reflection I realized:
There's no use lying over spelled milk.
They are looking through the menu and the dad points to the falafel appetizer.
Dad: How do you pronounce that one?
Me: Falafel?
Dad: No actually I feel great! Just a little bit hungry..
Daughter: (Face palm)
.
EDIT: falafel sort of sounds like feel awful.
.
and again..
.
Dad orders his daughter a slice of cake for dessert.
Me: (to daughter) Here's your dessert. and (to the Dad) I brought you a fork in case you wanted some too.
Dad: Thanks! I love fork! (begins to pretend to eat fork)
Daughter: (absolutely mortified face of embarrassment.)
Walking through town, my wife heavily pregnant and me carrying a bag of fresh coffee. I pretended to carry the coffee under my shirt and be pregnant, holding my baby.
The real baby started moving and kicking and my wife said "mine is much more lively than yours!" I replied, "I dunno, mines full of beans."
Got actual laughter
As I'm holding my son, he begins to pretend his hands are spiders and starts wiggling the tips of his fingers on my arm and then says
"These spiders are crawling on you because they're Daddy Long Legs"
Waitress: "You guys look like you're slowing down, should I start wrapping?"
Me: "Sure I'll drop a beat"
Everyone at the table just pretended like they didn't hear it except for her grandfather who laughed.
So after my daughter got off the bus, she was telling me about her day. She said that, at lunch, she was pretending to be a goblin.
"Gobbling what?", I asked. "Hopefully your lunch."
She stared at me (trying hard not to smile), let out an exasperated sigh, and said "I hate your jokes". Then walked away to the house without as much as another word...
“I don’t want to get up,” she replied. “Will you carry me?
“No,” I replied. “Get up and go to bed.”
“But I’m too tired. Carry Me?”
“No! You’re like 90 pounds now. You’re too heavy.” I said.
“Well then, pretend I’m the kitten,” she said and grinned.
So I picked up the squirt bottle and sprayed her in the face.
... half a dozen mean-looking tough and muscly guys approached us. The biggest of them said to me in a rough voice, "You're at our table. Get lost. Now."
My mate whispered to me, "Just pretend we're the police".
I thought this was a great idea. But >!I only got halfway through the first line of "Roxanne" before they started beating the crap out of us!<
So in Canberra people are picking their own mushrooms; which would be fine except for the rather hazardous Death Caps that seem to be plentiful right now. A local radio station asked their listeners whether hey thought mushroom sales at stores or restaurants would go down, and what people thought of the whole issue. With a decade of experience in hospitality I thought I'd call and while waiting to go on air, the presenters joked about calling up the head 'mushroom guy' for Australia and asking their opinion.
I go on air and assure them that no restaurant worth their salt would risk their name and business by buying mushrooms that weren't from an official farm. But just before They bid me farewell I said; "I hope you do get to talk to the head mushroom person, I bet he's a real Fungi".
There was silence followed by barely audible raucous laughter from what sounded like either outside their booth or over the intercom, I'm not sure. The presenters denied me an on air groan or laugh and just pretended like I had said nothing. But someone laughed... Someone...
[Edit: Wow, unable to log in to reddit for a day and I miss getting nearly eight times more up votes than I have since joining Reddit last year. Thanks all! I knew having a 1 yr old would pay off.]
Driving down the highway, when I saw a car carrying a bicycle on a bike rack. The bike was missing its front wheel.
Me: Glad to see that bike is well rested. Son: What do you mean? Me: It's not two tired.
I grinned all the way home, while he just kept rolling his eyes, pretending it wasn't funny.
Noble gases have no reaction.
Noble gases have no reaction.
Noble gases should have no reaction.
Stop pretending.
Because Noble Gases shouldn’t have any reaction.
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