I received the same newspaper from New York that I got yesterday!
If the atmosphere surrounds the globe, what would be above a flat earth?
One day I want to open an Italian restaurant in New York for amnesiacs
It'll be called 'Spageddaboutit'
Every 20 minutes a man in New York gets robbed.
Due to freezing conditions in New York, the mens American Naturist Society....
.....has seen the size of their members shrink dramatically.
What's the most dangerous part of New York in the winter?
My fart just wiped out half of new York.
It was a weapon of ass destruction
T-Rex: Look, honey... I think you should come to New York with me.
I can’t see you if you don’t move.
Did you notice that people started taking the looters & rioters seriously once New York was hit?
Probably because everyone knows where the Big Apple is, but not where the Minneapolis.
What do you call a pig from New York?
I would cheat the Golden Globes. Hell, I would even manipulate the Academy Awards. But I would NEVER
I was walking down the street and ran into the guy who once sold me an antique globe.
The twin towers of New York World Trade Center are like genders.
There used to be two, but now they are just a sensitive topic.
Also: The real 9/11 pays respect! The world remembers 9/11.
The flat earth society has members all around the globe.
If Irving Berlin lived in Montreal instead of New York...
Would he have written ‘Poutine on the Ritz?’
I have a new pen that can write underwater, and in a volcano and on the north pole.
It can write other things too.
Authorities are searching for a four-foot tall woman who recently escaped from prison in upstate New York. She was serving a five year sentence for fraud after convincing a number of victims that she was a powerful psychic.
Now she's a small medium at large.
If someone told me tomorrow is the start of a new month...
Did you hear about the viagara truck hijacked in New York the other day?
The police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals
Just started my new job as a security guard. The supervisor told me my job would be to watch the office at night.
I’m on season eight. Still not sure what this has to do with security.
Sorry New York Jets, but you just can’t score touchdowns.
What do you call an elf that lives in New York City?
Did you hear what the New York Times editor-in-chief said on their last day?
"Start spreading the news, I'm leaving today."
I just got a new job in a factory making plastic Draculas. There are only two of us on the production line
so I have to make every second count.
What do you call a deer from New York
Saw the trailer for the new Top Gun movie
It looked kinda plane to me
Why don’t the Golden Globe awards go to real people?
Because all the winners are paid actors.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists launch sneak attack on the periodic table.....
Add the element of surprise.
My new girlfriend works at the zoo
Darth Vader found his new wife near the stairs...
Did you hear about the new male birth control lotion?
There’s a new virus out called the Peekaboo virus!
They recommend if you catch it to proceed straight to the ICU.
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillowcases?
They are really making headlines!!!
I propose that the much desired New York Strip Steak be renamed to Washington DC.
This will make the District of Columbia, finally a steak.
Last week my daughter asked me for the new iPhone.
I said, you can only have one of those, if you get good grades, do your chores and follow house rules.
If you don't, it will be a much cheaper phone.
Basically, its my way or the Huwaei....
I bought a new leaf blower the other day.
I didn’t really need one, but it was a stihl of a deal!
Did you hear that the invisible man had a new job offer the other day? He turned it down!
Apparently, he couldn't see himself doing it...
I once hiked to a lake with the states of Michigan, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and New York on its western, southern, and eastern shores. Not a bird was singing and the lake was still...
My wife tried to tell our cat that we would all be flying to a new home, but the cat seemed unimpressed.
I explained that the cat doesn’t understand plane English.
I’ve come up with a new word for when you remove your bra at the end of the day: Gravititty
Did you hear about Dr. Suess' new book about a Japanese warrior in the town of Whoville?
BREAKING NEWS: New York subway car breaks down after laptop explodes. When asked what happened, the NYPD responded:
A Dell set fire to the train
Never ask anyone whether they prefer New York City or Syracuse.
That's comparing apples to oranges.
Breaking News: Archaeologists believe that they've uncovered a cache of pencils that belonged to William Shakespeare. A spokesperson for the dig said they're so badly chewed on the ends,
we can't tell if they're 2B or not 2B.
Was planning a big announcement that I’m watching the new Marvel TV show.
But I’m keeping it low key.
What New York borough has the lowest cholesterol levels?
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