True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
(Bear with me its a long setup) A frog walks into a bank and asks a woman named Patricia Whack for a loan. "My father is Mick Matter" he says, placing a ceramic elephant on the counter. Patricia goes to her boss and tells him the story, asking "what is this?" And placing the elephant on his desk.
The man replies " It's A knicknack, patty whack, give the frog a loan, his old mans a rolling stone (also I meant Mick jagger my autocorrect sucks balls)
There’s this WWII story about a real life welder who single handily repaired a US Navy destroyer that was about to sink in the Pacific Ocean.
Just goes to show that truth is solder than fiction.
True story: I was a kid, watching TV in our living room. My dad was outside using the grill. All of a sudden he bursts in the door hopping on one foot yelling “I stepped on a Bee!”
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
True story: My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
Have you heard the tragic story about the little bird that became a cardiologist?
The Betsy Ross stories about her sewing the first American flag might not be true
The story is likely a fabrication.
Mick Hucknalls mother used to read him bedtime stories every night and use different and creative voices for all the characters, but he hated it
He preferred it simply red
Did you hear the sad story about the Italian chef?
Did you ever hear the story of about the gymnast who got a concussion?
A woman walks into a bar.
Ever heard of the story of the Rabbit nursery?
There was a story in the paper today about a dog that ran 3 miles just to find a stick...
I thought it was a little far fetched.
(true story) My wife asked why I was hiding some baby formula in the closet.
I told her "because it's my secret formula"!
I don't think I'll be able to tell you the whole story about the rich kid's birthday presents
Did I ever tell the story of the time I went to the seafood disco?
I used to be a judge for the world orchestra championships, but I quit because too many of them were coming out with outlandish sob stories to win me over...
Always trying to get the symphony vote.
Real story: I was talking to the Waitress at a breakfast restaurant where a Jeep wheel had just blown out the front window.
I told her she looked exhausted. When you start your day like that you’re tired all day.
Did anyone see the news story about the HIV virus mutating to affect citrus plants?
True story: many years ago I adopted a new dog. Took him to his first visit to the vet.
The lady at the vet: “what’s his name?”
Me: “The shelter told me his name is Toby”
Her: “Well, what does he think his name is?”
Me: “........ Kunte Kinte”
She didn’t get it. Once in a lifetime joke wasted.
Have you heard the story of the blunt pencil?
True story: I was visiting my wife in the hospital but the room didn't have a bed to lay down in so I laid down on the floor since I was tired. The nurse came in and asked "having a good time down there"?
I said "oh yeah. I'm just floored".
True Story: tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
My 15 month old daughter has been saying "momma" and "dadda" a lot now, and I tried using this to my advantage...
Secretly (when my wife was out), I'd ask her "who do you love more?", and praise her when she said "dadda!". This has been going on for weeks now.
The other day, my wife got home and I wanted to show her my little 'trick'. So I asked our daughter, "Who do you love more?", in which case she replied "dadda!" and ran towards my wife (which is very clearly her favourite btw).
My wife, who didn't care much for the new thing I taught our daughter, bent down and picked her up to cuddle with her. Her facial expression changed a bit, then she laughed. She looked at me and said "well, she ran to me as she said that, and her diaper is full... so clearly she was full of crap when she said that!"
My wife is now in on the dad jokes and won this one!
Edit: Bolded the text to emphasize what part of this story was the dad joke...
Final Edit: My wife was surprised at how much this blew up! She says thanks to everyone, but she has no idea what the awards are for (since she doesn’t use Reddit). 😂
True story: As kids, my sister and I were fighting over the TV remote and it got heated. The remote flew across the room and a couple AAA batteries fell out. My sister threw one at me, and I grabbed a nearby salt shaker and threw it at her.
My mother, who was watching this go down, just laughs and says, "Assault and battery!"
She then left the room, cackling.
Did you hear the story about the cemetary?
People are dying to get in there.
Have you heard the story of how 8 was born?
5 had unprotected 6 with 7
From my 5-year-old son: "Hey"
True story; it even happened last night. My 5-year-old son walks up behind me and out of the blue says, "hey."
I turn to him and say, "yeah, kiddo? What's up?"
He responds, "it's dead grass."
I'm really confused and trying to figure out what's wrong and what he wants from me. "What? There's dead grass? What's wrong with that?"
.
.
.
He says, totally straight-faced, "hay is dead grass," and runs off.
I've written a stage representation of a story in which all lines are puns, and the stage is covered with the pages of a dictionary...
It's the story of a father that invented a machine.
He shows it to his son, all proud, and says : "You see, son, when you put a donkey in this end of the machine, a sausage will automatically come out."
The son, very confused, asks : "But dad, is there a way to do the opposite, insert a sausage and a donkey comes out?"
The father proudly answers : "Yes son, your mom."
Everyone in the story survived!
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
True story: I sent my dad a picture of the loaf of bread I made witha bread machine. He instantly responded with :
I started telling my grandkids about how I built my house from the ground up. They complained that that’s the only story I ever told.
Well, children, this is a one-story house.
(true story) After having my son install an electric keypad deadbolt on the man door in my garage, my daughter says:
Dad, are you sure that new deadbolt was man-door-tory??
Making daddy proud.
True story: So we were out today and sat at a table for some food. My 4yo asked what the holes and and notches were in the wood and my wife says “they are knot holes”.
Miss4 says “if they are not holes, what are they?”
It turns out the capitol rioter did NOT accidentally kill himself with a taser to the balls and the story was just made up to disrespect him...
I don't think anyone is shocked.
(Source: https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/capitol-riot-taser-death)
Did you hear the story about the Phantom Corkscrew?
True story: During a large dinner my son said that he was addicted to the gravy
I told him "the best way to break that addiction is to quit cold turkey"
TIFU by boarding the wrong ship and almost starting World War III
Gave my blind friend a cheese grater...
He said it was the most violent story he's ever read.
Now days, people don't use the name Lance very often
In medieval times, people were named Lance a lot
A true story: My boyfriend and I were in the dairy aisle of the grocery store. He tosses a pack of sliced cheese into the cart it ricochets and falls to the floor. “Kobe!” I shout. “No.” He says in a disappointed tone...
I'm looking for the story of an astronaut whose lunar Odyssey was very fruitful?
Did you hear the story about the magical tractor?
Do you know the story about the chicken that crossed the border?
Me neither, I couldn't follow it.
(True story) My GF asked me to kill a spider in the bathroom today.
It was so small that I couldn't even see it at first. She had to point it out, a tiny brown pinhead crawling up our slightly-darker-brown cabinet about knee-high.
"How did you even see that?" I asked.
And she answered, "With my spider-sense."
I love this woman so, so much.
Before sex, you help each other get naked, after sex you only dress yourself
Moral of the story is, no one helps you after you get fucked
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