"Ho, ho, ho," the jolly bastard mused, unaware I'd been slinking in the shadows for days, ready to unleash my revenge. I'd memorized his patterns, followed his every move, and had set the perfect trap. Down the chimney, ensnared by my noose, and left hanging above the fireplace; I got what I wanted.

A Christmas stalking.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jeromocles
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
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Gotta catch 'em all!

My son and his friend, musing about creating new Pokemon: "... and, it'll be big, with horns, and bad, sort of like an evil cow..."

Me, passing by at just the right time: "... gee, that sounds... Terri-bull"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kauaiguy4000
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 14 2021
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Dad's son's joke...

Once upon a time, there was a dad and he was very well known at gatherings with his witty humor and painful puns.

Then his son came along, and very quickly picked up on dad's gifts but he used them on the internet instead.

Dad mused for a minute, and said it must be heredditary...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/techtornado
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 21 2020
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I was on a roll last night.

My family was having a burger night and I improvised some groaners:

Q - How does it sound when your cousin drives an ambulance?
A - Neeeenaaaaa-neeeeenaaaaa! (There is a cousin called Nina)
Q - How do you know when your cousin is coming to visit?
A - they ring the Issa-belle! (Yip, you guessed it there is a cousin called Issabelle)

Q - What does a dinosaur say to offer you a hot drink?
A - Would you like some tea, Rex? (Hate to over explain and ruin the joke but just in case - Rex )

Then during bathtime:

Q - When a crab goes to jail where do they lock him up?
A - A jail shell. (there was a decorative jar of shells there which I used as a muse for this piece)

Q - How does a daddy cow clean himself at night?
A - In a bub-bull bath. (Just came to me)

Q - What does an astronaut use in the bath?
A - A space cloth. (this one didn't really land but I stand by it)

Q - What do you use to wash your hair in the toilet?
A - Sham-poo (low hanging fruit but this one absolutely killed)

๐Ÿ‘︎ 14
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dat_asthma
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
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After surgery, I made these two little gems in the recovery room
  1. I asked my blood type ( genuinely didn't know it). When they said A Positive, I mused, "that must explain why I'm such a positive guy.โ€ ( got a pretty good chuckle from those in the room)

  2. They realized I didn't need oxygen and hauled the tank out of the room. I uttered, "tanks for nothing!" (got a bigger chuckle)

Not the greatest puns ever, but not bad for just coming out of general anesthetic :)

๐Ÿ‘︎ 72
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/incenseandelephants
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 25 2018
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A dad joke for Muse fans

I remember telling my dad when Matt Bellamy of the band Muse proposed to Kate Hudson, the ring he gave her was worth $500,000. My dad responded, "Well, I bet that put a supermassive black hole in his wallet!" and then proceeded to stare at me with the open-mouthed smile of a dad who's just made a dad joke and is awaiting a reaction. I groaned, hard.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 17
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/flyrfradeg
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 19 2014
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My tenth grade history teacher was definitely a Dad.

It was the end of class. Before dismissing us, he informs us that we won't be having class the next day and will instead be going to the gymnasium for an assembly. When the bell rang, as everyone was leaving class, I went to his desk and asked what the assembly was supposed to be about. His Response:

"I'm just a mushroom." ...awkward pause, stare... "I live in the dark and people drop crap on me."

I wasn't really sure how to react to that. With a confused look on my face, I just turned around and walked out the door. I'm still not sure if that was a dad joke or the musings of a bitter old man. Maybe both. I don't know, it just seems like it belongs here, if only for the sheer awkwardness of it.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thenfreak
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 07 2013
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On monasteries...

Playing Carcassonne with my boyfriend and musing about the monks

He: "I wonder how much gay sex happens in monasteries?" Me: "Not nun."

The groan took a minute, but it definitely happened. Sorry, everybody. I know it's not that good.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/eponymousalice
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 14 2014
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