What do Jews say when a fish dies?

Coddish.

(Typical prayer is Kaddish, rhymes with, yep, cod-ish)

Credit to wife actually. This real live came up yesterday. Fish died. Kids crying. She just sorta murmurs the joke. Both trying to keep it together…

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/argdogsea
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2022
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
We got a new microwave at work. After heating my food for the first time in the new microwave I go to my colleagues and say to them "I just cut my fingers on the new microwave!"

They all startled "what happened?" I reply "it's Sharp!"

They murmured something and left the room...

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KM130
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Math'd dadjoke

My friend is a math teacher and was talking about a student in her class.

"She asked me if there was such thing as a left triangle!" murmurings and laughter from the rest of the group Me: "Well, you guys are the dumb ones. Of COURSE there is such thing!" confused looks Me: "If you have two triangles and take one away, the one that remains is left!"

eyerolls and groans

I'm proud.

πŸ‘︎ 187
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pprbckwrtr
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2014
🚨︎ report
Was boarding an airplane from Rome to Hungary...

A lot of Hungarians and a few Romans lining up with me (alone) at the terminal. I can hear that they speak English, they're all murmuring to each other. At the last second our terminal gets changed and we have to leave the airplane we were lined up to board behind. Instead we walk down another terminal that leads to some stairs that leads onto a bus.

We all pack in, I'm positioned somewhere in the middle of the masses when I announce "This is a funny looking airplane!"

EVERYONE looks at me. Not a smile. Not a smirk. Nothing.

I crack up laughing at how funny I am.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zombait
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2015
🚨︎ report
Managed to sneak in a good one at the hairdressers today!

So as the hairdresser was walking past a school boy he caught his foot on the guys rucksack and nearly tripped.

I murmured "That was a close shave."

The school boy looked at me, looked away and started to shake his head, while me and the hairdresser are grinning away...

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AjGoudie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2013
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.