Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?

he had ... a reptile dysfunction

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Terrapinyata86
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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Why were the melon lovers sad?

Because they cantaloupe.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/geewizzliz
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
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What did the pedantic mathematician say to her lover?

Oh Romeo, oh Romeo, oh wherefore rβ€’Ο„ Romeo?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/99-bottlesofbeer
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
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What do you get when you cross the lover of the Russian queen and a flying insect?

Wa Wa Wasputin

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HeyArnoldPalmer2
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
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What do you call two female lovers spying on the government.

Lesbionage

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Omicra98
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
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What did the vegan say to the meat lover before killing him?

I'm going to kale you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubsword
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
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What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?

You will Romaine in my heart forever ❀️

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SamWize-Ganji
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
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For the Justin Timberlake lovers out there

https://preview.redd.it/o0jqynhnyqh31.jpg?width=1047&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=deddb5dd10645cc90b165754de79ab61a4a2928a

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kbalint92
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
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Did you hear about the wealthy ice cream lover?

He won the gelotto.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CMoy1980
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
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What do you call a sandwich lover in the military?

A Sub-Marine!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dabber_Danny
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
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A new cereal is coming out for the lovers of fermented beverages.

BEERIOS!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/slowshot
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
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What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?

I want hue.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mc1nc4
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2016
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For the nature lovers. I hunt because... (x-post /r/shrooms) amazon.com/dp/B078MW3VPF/
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PoesKat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2017
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What did the fruit lover say after he met a girl?

I’ve got a date

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πŸ‘€︎ u/benharlow77
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2018
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Some say you have to join the mile-high club to be considered a good lover...

...but I've never given a flying fuck.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mountainmountain
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2018
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Why did the French cheese-lovers develop class consciousness?

They realised there was one RoulΓ© for the rich and another RoulΓ© for the rest of society.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/intercroissant
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2014
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I’ve recently discovered I’m terrified of elevators, so I’m taking steps to avoid them.

I was a little afraid of speed bumps too, but I’m slowly getting over them!

UPDATE: Thank you so much for all the upvotes and amazing responses, fellow Dad Joke lovers. You make the world a happier place! 🀩

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Whoopass_voice
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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It's the morning after the honeymoon

Wife says, "You know, you're really a lousy lover."

The husband replies, "How can you tell after only 30 seconds?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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This Sacramento comedy show is basically a pun-themed rap battle

A few years ago, we started a show that I quite frankly never thought would work.

Nearly four years later, including two sold out appearances at San Francisco Sketchfest and a local TV featurette, our show "Capitol PUNishment" is now streaming on Twitch Friday night at 8:30pm PST.

I hope it's ok to post this in here. If not, feel free to remove with no hard feelings. Just encouraging pun lovers to check out what is best described as "a fast-paced, in-the-moment spectacle that combines everything you love about gameshows, rap-battles, and "dad" jokes, into a unique and hilarious competitive format."

Our channel is twitch.tv/capitolpuns
Here's a little video to help paint the picture: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2RE9PgmfXo

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πŸ‘€︎ u/capitolpuns
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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I recently went to a joke bar with a couple of friends...

Persons volunteer to tell jokes and whoever laughs has to pay $5. Since my friends and I were all lovers of quality humor, we accepted this challenge.

The guy proceeds to tell his joke and I've never laughed so hard in my life, my friends had tears in their eyes as well, from this clever witty joke.

We all proceed to grab our cash and pay him to which he replied:

"Don't worry about it guys, the joke's on me"

I gave him my wallet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zaynesky
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
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[Long] The king and queen of Fruitlandia had a son named Melon.

One day, Melon met a girl named Cantaloupe. She was very sweet to him. They fell in love quickly, but his father didn’t approve because she was a peasant. You see, the king wanted Melon to marry the princess of Veggieland, Broccoli. The king banned Melon and Cantaloupe from seeing each other ever again.

However, the young lovers were determined to see each other. Every Sunday, Cantaloupe snuck into Melon’s room. They would stay up till midnight with each other. This went on for many years.

Meanwhile, the king was arranging Melon’s marriage with Broccoli. He was prepared to pay every expense to make the wedding excellent for PR. However, the night before Melon was to be married, the king found out about his meeting with Cantaloupe! He made Melon swear a Royal Oathβ€”an unbreakable promiseβ€”to marry Broccoli the next day and never see Cantaloupe again after that.

That night, when Cantaloupe visited, Melon admitted what had happened. She begged him to run off with her and get married, but he refused.

β€œI love you, but I swore a Royal Oath. I’m sorry, dear, but I Cantaloupe.”

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2018
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The Pundits - Part 1

A quaint little men's class,

a few with class,

some smelling of a gin glass,

some with eyes of a lass,

the remainder eyeing a lad,

but all glad,

and all present,

youngster of the present,

bearders of the crescent,

readers new testaments,

preachers of old testaments,

bearers of saffron tenets,

wearers of white tints,

weird lovers of croissant,

well, all here, will all hear?

we never know,

lets look at the show

 

The English teacher, said,

"how to drink a juice?"

i know, said bart the bartender,

"with vodka and chicken tender"

the weirded beardo now angry,

showed he was a shouter,

wanted to be a bart-ender,

while shushing the crowd,

use a pipe, piped up a voice, loud,

"huh" exclaimed preacher pastor,

"no smoking" he said, showing a guilty fluster ,

"no sir" said the voice,

I'm extra maker,

spoke the voice quicker,

Mr.White scratching head,

"I'm an ex-straw maker",

the air cleared.

 

Proceeding further, Teacher continued,

the class was listening, eyes glued,

"etiquette is important" he said,

"wear napkin before eating",

their faces changed,

pulse now beating,

Mr.White said, "sir, we don't bleed",

an irritated saffron Sundar spoke,

"if you bleed, education you don't need"

the English sir, now a sundered bloke,

calmed the masked fish market,

as his God's fate chisel hammered,

"Do you know how to fork?" he stammered,

a brief silence, and too many whispers later

"I Pen is use sir", said a bright face,

"Do you know how to use a fork?" he corrected,

with damage now done, Silence resumed.

 

>ThePundits

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πŸ‘€︎ u/themadraspaiyan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2018
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The guacamole incident

So, this just happened last night. My son (11 years old, and a true lover of dad jokes) is not presently speaking to me.

After i just finished cutting an avocado in two... Me: Shall we "halve" some avocado with dinner tonight? Huh? Huh? (Dramatically pointing to the cut produce in Vanna White style.) Son: (Unimpressed). I might take a little. Me: You might? I say you "halve two!" (Again gesturing dramatically to the two halves.) Son: groan That was TERRIBLE... But you score extra points for a double pun. Me: Av-a-cad-o million more where those came from. Mic Drop

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πŸ‘€︎ u/roguebuckeye
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2017
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The "Philogelos" is a collection of ancient Roman dad jokes

"Philogelos" or "The Laughter Lover" is a collection of 265 ancient Roman jokes, written in the 4th century AD. Some of them feel... very appropriate for this sub:

  • A boy caught sight of a deep well on his country-estate, and asked if the water was any good. The farmhands assured him that it was good, and that his own parents used to drink from that well. The boy expressed his amazement: "How long were their necks, if they could drink from something so deep!"

  • When a boy was told by someone, "Your beard is now coming in," he went to the rear-entrance and waited for it.

  • A boy checked in on the parents of a dead classmate. The father was wailing: "O son, you have left me a cripple!" The mother was crying: "O son, you have taken the light from my eyes!" Later, the boy suggested to his friends: "Well, if he were guilty of all that, he probably deserved to die!"

  • A boy came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. When the man's wife said that he had 'departed', the intellectual replied: "When he arrives back, will you tell him that I stopped by?"

  • A boy had been at a wedding-reception. As he was leaving, he said: "What a wonderful ceremony! I pray that your next marriages are as enjoyable as this one."

  • A man met his friend in the street, who said: "Congratulations! I hear that you've got a new baby boy!" The man replied: "Indeed, but I'm still trying to find the father!"

  • A man saw a eunuch talking with a woman and asked him if she was his wife. When he replied that eunuchs can't have wives, the man asked: "So is she your daughter?"

  • A man was being heckled by a friend: "I had your wife, without paying a dime!" The man replied: "It's my duty as a husband to couple with such a monstrosity. What made you do it?'

  • An incompetent schoolteacher was asked who the mother of Priam was. Not knowing the answer, he said: "Well, I suppose it's polite to call her Ma'am."

  • A man, just back from a trip abroad, went to an incompetent fortune-teller. He asked about his family, and the fortune-teller replied: "Everyone is fine, especially your father." When the man objected that his father had been dead for ten years, the reply came: "Ah, then you must have no clue who your real father is!"

  • A misogynist paid his last respects at the tomb of his dead wife. When someone asked him, "Who has gone to rest?," he replied: "Me, at last!"

You can find more here and [here](http://publishing.y

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AttalusPius
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2016
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A couple was set to be married...

Unfortunately, an old lover was trying to break up the wedding. In the end, it went off without a hitch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/highvolt
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2016
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[Request] Need dad-quality puns!

Hello fathers and fellow lovers of dadjokes! I am in need of your collective wit. You see, my friends did not get the hint that it was a bad idea to do this last time, and yet have foolishly asked me to house sit for them again. I've decided to prank them again (because I'm a wonderful friend), and this time I am turning their house into a house of puns. I need puns I can practically make. Here are a couple examples:

"While you guys were out I think your milk went bad..." draw on milk carton a bandanna, scruff, and a gun tucked into its logo

Move any of their jars in front of their bedroom door.

A map starting from their router.

Things like that. They have a pool, two labs, but otherwise have a pretty standard living arrangement. However, I don't want to mess with their computers as their occupations have some sensitive materials on them.

I struggled with what sub to reach out too with this post, so thank you all who reddit. You're fantastic folk, the lot of you!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ser_Capelli
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2016
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Obvious geology joke...

Talking to my dad about how I felt about my geology final, I go on about how boring the class was and that the kids that are actually geology majors are stereotype hippies. Smell weird, barefoot, dreads, Coachella lovers.. etc.

He seems to ignore everything as I can see his smile forming then as soon as I stop talking...

"They probably get stoned all the time too."

...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ericjh15
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2013
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