At the weekend, I like to play chess with elderly men in the park. But it's becoming increasingly harder..
..to find exactly 32 of them.
I took my family to the zoo last weekend, but all they had were dogs!
Batman: It’s been a long day Alfred. Please fill up the bathtub.
I too need a long weekend
My granddaugter today (she's 8) How did the man breath underwater for so long without help?
He put a glass of water on his head!
It's the first time I have been able to see and hug her in over a year, and she made me so proud!
*Edit: So many typos in my title.
What’s long, strong, bendable and has the letters p, i, n, s, e?
My wife told me that this middle eastern themed flea market down the road got shut down over the weekend.
Well that’s bazaar, I thought.
8 months in and I finally got a good dad joke over the weekend.
In the subdivision where I live there are 2 open fields with cows in each one, one of those fields is being turned into a sports complex. My friends were wondering where the cows would go and one of them suggested that they would just have all the cows in one field, to which I replied “well then it would just be overCOWded”
Thanks guys
The Argyle Sweater for the weekend of 4/17/2021-4/18/2021
After a long, vicious territorial battle a large family of bitten, scratched wolves all sought shelter from the snow in a tiny cave, leaving barely an inch of space.
A pair of vets who care for the wolves find them and try to get in to administer care and clean their wounds.
One says “I can’t go in there.”
“Why not?”
“The place is bloody packed.”
The other day I was stood in a queue for the barbers, the line was so long they started handing out burgers and hot dogs.
Best barber-queue I’ve ever been too
Why was the weekend depressed?
It started on a Sadder Day!
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up after a long ride?
Why did the billiards player take so long to take his shot?
He was waiting for his cue.
Whenever I’m sad, I take a long drive on the highway
I always see plenty of people giving me thumbs up there.
I got second degree burns on my head from being out in the sun too long...
Did you hear about the motivational speaker who took long breaks in his speech?
The title of the talk was "Think Pausitively"
Why did the Joker enjoyed working in the post office on the weekends ?
Cause it's not about the money . It's about sending a message !
What do you call a droid that takes the long way around?
A man went to buy long underwear cause the weather was getting cold. Cashier asked " How long would you like them"
From march to September said the man
Long live Rudolph the red
Back in the 70s and 80s, I’d often dress up nicely, go out and order dinner for one, see movies alone, take long solitary walks...
Wow, I’m really dating myself.
The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...
"...40 second birthday".
I was so proud.
A horse walks into a bar... the bartender asks, “why the long face?”
The horse, not being able to comprehend human language, promptly shits on the floor and leaves.
I remember standing in solitude, at the end of the long landing overlooking the Pacific Ocean - this disembodied voice was urging me to jump, so I did...
I never could stand up to pier pressure.
What do snowmen like to do on the weekend?
Seems the Weekend had compete creative control for the halftime special and brought in his own production team.
I guess Everybody's Working For the Weekend.
What's the secret of the Queen's long life?
The mighty Dwayne Johnson!
My brother has been making amazing chicken on the grill for as long as I can remember.
I’d say he’s a seasoned pro.
How long does it take to get the Belgium waffle all the way from Belgium?
I overheard an older gentleman asking the waitress this before ordering at the diner.
I hung around so long that I won the loitery.
I went to the zoo this weekend and all they had was one dog...
I have trained them well, now the wife is in on it... Me: (after a long hot weekend) I need to get a fan.
Wife: Woo! You're the best. Gooooo husband!
What happens if a polar bear sits too long on the ice?
Have you ever wandered why it takes the President so long to complete a sentence when he speaks?
I guess he’s just Biden his time.
My elderly neighbor had some landscapers take care of his lawn every weekend for several years. Recently, he hired a new crew, but forgot to fire the old crew. So this weekend they both showed up to mow his lawn, and got into a fight over who should be there.
He had no idea he had started a turf war.
The Invisible Man and The Invisible Woman got married over the weekend.
I did not see that coming.
I just read a long article comparing the different versions of the Bible.
There was a lot of cross referencing.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself....
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
When I was digging through the wardrobe on the weekend, I managed to find a present for the kids that I wrapped in a box last year and forgot to give them. Bargain
Can't wait to see their faces when they realize they have a puppy.
(Warning: Morbid dad joke) True Story -- My family were planning my mum's funeral. We always try to keep things light and try to stay positive, just as Mum would have it...
The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.
Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.
The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:
"What's sarong with that?"
I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).
His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.
--Edit--
I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)
--Edit--
Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.
What's round, long and jokes around all of the time?
What do NASA programmers do on the weekends?
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face...
The horse not being able to comprehend the language shits on the floor and leaves
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