Today, I'm attaching a light fitting to the ceiling. I've never done it before.
I'll probably screw it up.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
What kind of dogs do programmers have?
What should you do if the lights in a Chinese restaurant are too bright?
Why did the aspiring programmer buy a pair of glasses?
This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
(Warning: Morbid dad joke) True Story -- My family were planning my mum's funeral. We always try to keep things light and try to stay positive, just as Mum would have it...
The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.
Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.
The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:
"What's sarong with that?"
I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).
His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.
--Edit--
I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)
--Edit--
Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.
What’s the difference between light and hard?
I can sleep with a light on.
What will be the first thing you notice if you're teleported few light years away, somewhere in the galaxy...
Your momma so fat, I could still see her
Why was the alchemist’s warning light on in his car?
Because his door was a jar.
Which way did the programmer go?
A Chinese stand up comedian was half way his set when all the lights went out. He told the crowd to put all their hands in the air and wave. As by a miracle the lights came back on. ...
...'' You see? Many hands make light work.''
You have a 2-door car you want to display. You get it detailed. You put it on a platform so everyone can see it. You set up special lighting so all the details shine.
You have just staged a coupe.
What did the people say about the guy who invented the RGB light bulb?
He has a very colorful personality
I told my son, look the church has locked up the door and turned off their lights. He said, what's that got to do with anything? I said well,...
My programmer husband insists he has to be the one to change the channel
He has a lot experience working remote
Spiders are excellent programmers,
They're just so great at debugging
What are ducks favourite t.v. programmes ?
What's the most honest kind of lighting?
What do NASA programmers do on the weekends?
Why are programmers so good at dancing?
They have great algorithm.
A kid lights his house on fire.
Dad: putting arm around his wife, both tearing up That's arson!
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb ?
And a one and a two, and a one, two, three,four.
What do you call Goku when he sees a red light?
Why do cows like to eat by candle light?
It creates the right mooood
How many classical economists does it take to change the light bulb?
None, because they think the invisible hand already did it.
what's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a light bulb
Did you hear that a car full of garlic, ginger, and lemongrass ran a red light in the middle of the city, injuring tens of people?
It was a fragrant disregard for public safety.
What did the green light say to the red light?
I was sitting at a red light with my family, when all of a sudden I said "Look, son! A super hero!"
How do you track Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints!
Yesterday I changed a light bulb, crossed the street and walked into a bar.
There are only two white people in the movie Black Panther
Martin Freeman, and Andy Serkis.
They also play roles in Lord of the Rings.
I guess that makes them the Tolkien white guys.
If a programmer could rearrange the alphabet, they'd put U and I together.
User Interface is important to them.
Why did The Joker have to sleep with his lights on?
Because he was afraid of the Dark Knight.
—
My 9yr old son just told me this 🤪
I've heard they just launched the new reptilian-focused aid programme.
What did the left eye say to the right eye when they got married?
'Eye-do'
This is my first post pls don't kill me lol.
The people in the comment section is why I love this subreddit!!
Cred once again my sis wants credit lol
How many emo kids does it take to change a light bulb?
Who cares, we'll cry in the dark.
The barman says, “Sorry, we don’t serve faster-than-light particles in here.”
A faster-than-light particle walks into a bar.
What was a very common name in the middle ages?
I heard parents named their children lance a lot.
First post please don't kill me
Edit: i went to sleep and now my inbox is dead, thank you kind strangers for the awards!
How does the Sun deliver light to Earth?
Just who you were looking for
A programmer gets sent to the store by his wife. His wife says, “Get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen.”
The programmer returns home with 12 gallons of milk and says, “They had eggs.”
edit: I know guys, I know, it’s supposed to be 13, I messed up the wording, please forgive me
I heard thunder nearby, so I ran around and turned on all the lights.
When kids asked me why, I said "where's there's thunder, there's lighting!"
Why does the president stop at the traffic light?
Because he's a Law A 'Biden' citizen
I watched a TV programme about the House of Lords last week. But I wasn’t really concentrating so I’m going to have to watch it again.
That’ll be the Peer review.
I've just deleted all the German names off my pre owned iPhone..
How many hands does it take to change a light bulb?
Many hands make light work.
How many Programmers does it take to change a light bulb.
None, it’s a hardware problem
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