For the last time kids, I don’t have a favorite child.
I regret you all equally.
The last time I went to a wedding, it was really emotional
Even the cake was in tiers
I've been building coat hangers for the last twenty years, but it's time to try something new.
I want to make something I can hang my hat on.
the last time I ate a Japanese omelette
Dentists always ask that dumb question: "When was the last time you flossed?"
Bro, like come on. You were there!
I've been spending the vast majority of my time completely alone over the last 4 months...
I don't think I'm going crazy, but my imaginary friend tells me I may have a drinking problem.
I walked up to my friend today and told him I lost 10lbs since the last time he saw me.
He looked at me and said, “Well, that’s a big load of crap”.
The last time the United States had to fight off a foreign invasion was against the British in The War of 1812.
Just think, if the British had won, we'd all be speaking English now.
I’m never going to England again. The last time I was there was for this experimental weight loss program. I was interested because it was super cheap.
But in the end, I lost 100 pounds.
Met a girl in the pub last night who said she'd show me a good time...
Got outside and she ran 100m in 9.72 seconds
The last time I had to worry about Roe V Wade, it was because my dad was threatening to throw me out of a canoe!
For the last time! Frankenstein was the doctor...
Monster was his energy drink.
How I finally figured out I'd gotten old: Was watching TV and saw John Lithgow saying, "You know what? The last time I went to the movies I bought my ticket at that little window... and I paid cash!"
And I'm thinking. "So... what's your point."
(took me a while to work it out but eventually funnier than sad on balance.)
The last time I was involved in sexual intercourse.....
The last time I trusted the news.....
was when they were with Huey Lewis.
My mom bought my wife Minnie mouse pj's for her birthday. She wore them last night for the first time. My daughter came in to our room this morning and said "Mom, I love your Minnie pajamas!"
I responded, "Actually they're full size."
I’ve been on my iPad talking with this girl I met one day on FaceTime for the last 3 weeks
I guess you could say things are getting pretty Siri-us.
In went to a restaurant last night and ordered the Napolean Chicken for the first time. When it came it was just a carcass.
I asked the waitress what the deal was, and she said, "It's the Bonaparte."
Hey when was the last time we had sushi?
I think it was a long tamago.
(from my 10yo twins)
The last time my family went to church
So me, my mom, my dad, and my sister Annie we're in church and they had just put new book covers on all the bibles. Just those like plasticky slick cellophane ones, nothing fancy. But at one point we were standing there singing one of the hymns and the guy behind us just getting into it, he's a great singer and all but he swung his hand and I guess his palms were sweating because one of those thick old books with the lyrics flew out of his hand and railed my sister in the side of the head. And I leaned over and said "are you okay Annie? You've been struck by a smooth hymnal"
I told my therapist, “Last night I had a nightmare that I was fighting Jason Bourne and Will Hunting at the same time.”
She replied, “I’m glad that you are finally battling your Damons.”
That's the last time I let my pasta chef mate borrow my car
It's come back all denty.
I remember the last time I was someone's type.
It was when I was giving blood.
Last time we grilled, lnstead of leaving the meat 2min I left it 2h
My son always hides the last piece of a puzzle so he can be the one to put it in. This time, after I put in the second-to-last piece...
I walked away, saying "peace out"
Last time I went on vacation, the security person at customs asked me if I have any criminal convictions.
I didn't know that was a requirement.
I was tying my wife to the bed last night for sexy time. I was having trouble getting the rope tied so she started to tease me. I said "can you not!"
She responded: idk, can you knot?
I've never been more proud to be married to her.
For a holiday last year, my father took us to a narrow inlet in the ocean, where we had a good time...
I played slow pitch for the first time in a couple years last night and this morning I woke up super stiff.
My body was really sore as well!
My dad passed away last year because my family didn't know blood type in time for the doctors to do a transfusion.
As he was dying he kept saying "be positive" but it's hard without him.
Last time I was on a flight, the stewardess approached me and asked, “Sir, would you care for a drink?”
I asked her, “what are my options?”
She said, “yes or no.”
I broke my hand last week, at the hospital thinking it was permanently damaged, I asked the Doctor if I’d be able to play guitar. He replied “Yes, after you’ve taken time to heal”
I was ecstatic, I’ve always wanted to know how to play.
The last time I was inside a woman.....
I was visiting the Statue of Liberty. 🗽
Depressed = not pressed (sorry if that ruined the joke but last time I posted this nobody got it)
Last time I went to the bakery, I told a bread joke
The baker gave a rye smile.
What is it called when you change a bike's tires for the very last time?
Last time I went to the zoo I saw a baguette in a cage, .
when I asked the keeper about it, he said it was bread in captivity
For the last time, I am not running the water through the Brita again!
I think I've made it perfectly clear.
I got my hair cut last week. I thought it was too short at the time...
... But now it's growing on me.
Everyone has been arguing about abortion lately, but the last time I had to worry about Roe v Wade…
Was that time I was pushed out of a canoe!
Dentists always ask dumb questions like “When’s the last time you flossed?”
Like bro, you were there!
Dentists always ask dumb questions like “when’s the last time you flossed?”
I told me therapist, “Last night, I had a nightmare that I was fighting Jason Bourne and Will Hunting at the same time.”
Therapist: I’m glad that you are finally battling your Damons.
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