For a holiday last year, my father took us to a narrow inlet in the ocean, where we had a good time...
Last winter, we went to a pool inside a hotel but we weren’t allowed to use the accessories worn on the feet to help us swim...
we felt bad and unhappy when the attendant said “no indoor fins!”
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
U2’s first few albums have been remastered without the guitars on them.
It certainly takes the Edge off them.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
When I was young my mom would tear out the last page of all my comics. She wouldn't tell me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
I just got a new job in a factory making plastic Draculas. There are only two of us on the production line
so I have to make every second count.
What's the last thing to go through the mind of a fly when it hits a windscreen?
When you die, what part of the body dies last?
The pupils....they dilate.
I saw the ghost of Gloria Gaynor last night
First I was afraid, I was petrified
6 strands of Kurt Cobain’s hair sold at auction in the last month for $14,000. You’d think it would have a very musty odor.
But really, it just smells like teen spirit.
On my last day of vacation, I said goodbye to the ocean...
I made the mistake of having a beer while doing my calculus homework last night...
I got in trouble for drinking and deriving.
This is the last thing I need
Last Christmas, all I wanted was the gift of good grammar.
But God doesn't listen properly, does he? He just Sent a Clause.
My dealer got me the last of this in-demand strain called Death Star.
He says I'm lucky before he Alderaan out.
The last day of the week is never a happy one…
Because it's a sadder day.
What state in the US drinks the smallest cans of soda?
So apparently when you die, the last part of your body that stops working is your pupils..
It’s because they di-late
I took my family to the zoo last weekend, but all they had were dogs!
I had to finish the last half of my golf match naked.
I was only dressed to the nines.
A formerly blind man finishes his last round of eye surgery to gain his sight. The doctor asks if he has any last questions.
Patient: no, I think I'll see my self out.
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night.
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
I was trying to think of something funny to say about the last time I went to the pub with my mates...
But all I can think of are inn-jokes.
I was in the bar last night when the waitress yells "Does anyone know CPR?"
I yelled back "I know all those letters!" Everyone laughed, well except this one guy.
I confused the word Jacuzzi with Yakuza last week...
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia...
This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face"
Why was Mariah Carey sad when she was gifted a piece of land last December?
She didn’t want a lot for Christmas
The start of my every last paragraph of my essays.
I helped my wife drain the pasta last night...
I wonder if the US President will run for re-election in 2024…
if he’s even alive bi den.
For the sake of all Grateful Dead fans, I hope pot is made legal in the US soon.
Otherwise, they will ...be rolling in their graves.
Grandma is always saying to me ' Hey what's the name of that German guy again who keeps taking my stuff '
Alzheimer, Grandma, it's Alzheimer.
Last week my daughter asked me for the new iPhone.
I said, you can only have one of those, if you get good grades, do your chores and follow house rules.
If you don't, it will be a much cheaper phone.
Basically, its my way or the Huwaei....
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little shit used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
The police turned up at my house last night and arrested my dog!
Turns out he has unpaid barking tickets
What do cannibals serve at the beginning of dinner party?
My wife accused me of taking the last donut
It’s true. I just ate the hole thing.
Thousand and thousands of years ago, during the last ice age, there lived an animal that excelled at trigonometry, geometry, and could recite Pi to 100 decimal places. It was known simply as.....
.....the mammothematician.
SpongeBob may be the main character of the show.
Woke up last night to a commotion coming from the refrigerator...
I opened it and Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg started blasting out of it. I asked my wife, "Did you buy some green onions today?"
"Yeah," she said. "Why?"
"I think you picked up a couple of rapscallions."
I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.
Which part of your body is the last thing to die?
Why are pupils the last part of your body to die?
What part of your body, dies last?
Your pupils, as they dielate
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