True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
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︎ Apr 14 2021
The other day my dog fell into a lake and was drowning. Then some German guy came out of nowhere and saved his life
After I thanked him, he said to me: "Don't vorry, just dry him off and keep him varm, he vill be fine"
I asked him, "Are you a vet?"
He answered, "Am I vet? I'm soaking"
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︎ Jun 02 2021
Did you ever hear about the police unit that had a drug duck instead of a dog?
It was excellent at detecting quack
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︎ Jul 03 2021
What type of dog makes the best magician?
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︎ Jun 23 2021
Just seen the police arrest a dog that was giving birth at the side of the road.
Apparently it was littering.
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︎ May 28 2021
My dog peed on my list of favorite businesses in the city
Now whatβs left is Yellow Pages
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︎ Jun 10 2021
Just adopted a new dog. He's a bit mean and has a habit of barking by the sides of cliffs.
I guess he's just a little ruff around the edges.
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︎ Jun 15 2021
Heard yβall like puns (flies were found dead, butter was found at the grocery store in the dairy isle)
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︎ Mar 07 2021
Whatβs the sign of a really dedicated hot dog eating contestant?
They relish the competition.
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︎ May 20 2021
What kind of dogs do programmers have?
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︎ Jun 14 2021
I love going to the park. But the ducks keep harassing my dog.
I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
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︎ Jun 18 2021
Wife says I wonβt get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?
They had a long conversation about bark.
Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.
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︎ Feb 18 2021
I took my family to the zoo last weekend, but all they had were dogs!
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︎ Jun 25 2021
We got a new dog yesterday. He was a rescue and we're so glad to make him a part of our family. 'I think the transition is going well.'
'But your mother thinks it's been ruff.'
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︎ May 16 2021
What did the cheese-maker say after he made a dog out of cheese?
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︎ Apr 21 2021
I rescued a dog with no legs from a pile of leaves...
I think Iβll name him Rustle
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︎ Jun 26 2021
What do you call a dog that lives in the water.
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︎ Jul 02 2021
Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex?
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︎ Jun 29 2021
Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him.
Thatβs what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
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︎ Jun 18 2021
Before I join a contest, I always make my dog urinate on a photograph of the other contenders.
It gives me a leg up on the competition.
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︎ Apr 02 2021
What kind of dog doesnβt bark?
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︎ Jun 09 2021
If youβre being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.
They're trained for that!
(Mj)
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︎ Jun 08 2021
My wife asked me today if I had seen the dog bowl.
I said no I didnβt know he could.
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︎ Feb 09 2021
People who name their dogs; Bailey, Brandy, Sherry, Jameson, Hooch or other names of the likes..
Are far more likely to have licker problems
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︎ Apr 29 2021
I went to the zoo yesterday but they didn't have any animals, only a dog
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︎ Jul 05 2021
The police turned up at my house last night and arrested my dog!
Turns out he has unpaid barking tickets
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︎ Jun 25 2021
My daughter was telling me about cheetahs and how they are skittish and nervous animals. They require a lot of attention and sometimes in zoos they even have a companion dog to help keep them calm.
Turns out, without a lot of care, cheetahs never prosper.
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︎ Jun 16 2021
What did the three legged cowboy's dog say when he walked into Dodge city.
I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!
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︎ Jun 11 2021
A buddy of mine named his dog β5 Milesβ so he could tell people he walked 5 miles
But today he ran over 5 Miles
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︎ Nov 24 2020
Took my daughter to the zoo and they only had one dog
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︎ May 19 2021
What is the first step in buying a dog?
You fill out a pupplication
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︎ Jun 14 2021
There was a story in the paper today about a dog that ran 3 miles just to find a stick...
I thought it was a little far fetched.
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︎ May 26 2021
I took my dog to the water park once
It was against the rules, but they let it slide
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︎ Jun 20 2021
How was the sheep dog able to retrieve 40 sheeps when the farmer only had 38?
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︎ Jun 08 2021
It was raining cats and dogs last night and someone told you as you left the house,
"Watch out, you might step in a Poodle!"
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︎ Jun 25 2021
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face"
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︎ Jun 29 2021
Why did the lumberjack tell his dog to cross the road?
So he could get bark.
My 11yo daughter claims she just made this joke up.
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︎ Jun 28 2021
What breed of dog can jump higher than buildings?
Any dog... buildings canβt jump
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︎ Apr 27 2021
The other day I was stood in a queue for the barbers, the line was so long they started handing out burgers and hot dogs.
Best barber-queue Iβve ever been too
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︎ Jun 01 2021
My friend's dog sees ghosts all the time
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︎ Jun 09 2021
I accidentally used the dog shampoo today....
I'm feeling like such a good boy.
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︎ Apr 11 2021
A guy went on a hike near some cliffs with his dog, sadly the dog slipped and fell off the cliff. The guy looked over the edge and says..
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︎ Jun 23 2021
The police arrested a dog for giving birth on the street.
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︎ Apr 09 2021
The police arrested a dog for giving birth on the side of the road ...
They charged her with littering!
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︎ Apr 15 2021
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.
That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
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︎ Jun 26 2021
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
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︎ Jun 25 2021
What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into the saloon?
βIβm looking for the man who shot my paw.β
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︎ Jun 25 2021
There was only one dog at the zooβ¦
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︎ Jun 20 2021
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