I'm going to share with you the greatest secret for always being on time

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
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Which dictator has the greatest passion for food?

Fidel Gastro.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blan_Uator
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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Yo! Did you know the greatest rapper ever was Jewish?

Dr. Dre-idel

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drogers5606
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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The greatest baseball player ever was a guy named Hugh McBealy, and he was most famous for every single time he came to the plate knocking the ball high over right field and into the stands.

He scored a home run every single at bat, and always the exact same way. Way over right field, too high for anyone to reach, and it always landed in exactly the 17th row of the stands, give or take a couple feet.

He earned the nickname β€œthe machine” for how consistently he hit the exact same spot every time. Right field, 17th row, every single time. He did this for 20 years before he retired. Tickets to the 2-3 seats that the ball always landed on sold for over $2k a pop by the time he retired because you were guaranteed at least a couple home run balls.

And the day he retired a reporter asked him β€œHow does it feel to be retiring as the greatest hitter of all time?”

Hugh just looked at the reporter puzzled. β€œWhat do you mean?” He said.

The reporter clarified β€œliterally over 5,000 times you went to the plate and hit a home run to right field, 17th row of the stands!”

Hugh looked dejected and disappointed β€œyeah, my greatest failure...”

β€œWhat do you mean?” Said the reporter incredulously.

Hugh let’s out a long sigh, and looked down at the ground quietly for a moment before finally speaking.

β€œI’ve been aiming left this whole time”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Frnklfrwsr
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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Chuck Norris is the world's greatest mathematician.

He knows the last digit of Pi.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rpdaca
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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I’ve been working on my thesis that Swiss cheese is the greatest of all cheese.

But my proctor keeps finding holes in it.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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What's the greatest cheese of all time?

Goat cheese

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IH8KICKFLIPS
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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Beethoven was deafinetly one of the greatest
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πŸ‘€︎ u/binaryhorse
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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There was an old hermit who lived in a cave and walked a lot, but didn't have shoes. He also didn't have the greatest health and had really bad breath. They called him the:

Super Calloused Fragile Mystic Plagued with Halitosis.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/l8rry394
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
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What's a pirate's greatest fear on the first date?

A sunken chest with no booty.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
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Who does a Muslim ask when he forgets about the greatest Mughal Emperor?

#Allah-Who-Akbar

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πŸ‘€︎ u/siddharths067
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
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Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.

That's my pint of view, anyway.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScurvyDog509
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
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This is hands down the greatest sign I’ve ever seen.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stevengilbert611
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
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One of the greatest NBA teams of all time, the 98 Chicago Bowls
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πŸ‘€︎ u/benabramowitz18
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
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An architect friend of mine keeps going on and on and on about how he has designed the greatest skyscraper of all time.

But I think he's built it up too much.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EastlyGod1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
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A collection of the greatest
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayxox
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
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The bible is the greatest story ever told.

And to hell with anyone who doesn’t believe me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nftpc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
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Canadians make some of the greatest karate instructors.

It makes Sensei

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πŸ‘€︎ u/arthritictongue
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
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If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi series of all time is Dr. Who.

If I’m being objective, it’s Dr. Whom.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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Pandemic jokes are the greatest!

They spread like crazy!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Drunken_Whale
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
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Just finished a book about the greatest basement to ever exist

It was a best cellar.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bermobaron
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
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An old man was telling his friend about his new hearing aid, "the greatest in the world!" "You can hear a pin drop."

Friend: Wow! What kind is it?

Old man: quarter past 2.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notagoodspelller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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A horse walks into a bar with a maths problem that says 'If a shape has a width twice the size of its length, which is the greatest in size?'

The barman says 'y, the long face'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GaryTheKnight
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
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the greatest pun of all time
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SweKrieg
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
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One of the greatest leaders of our time
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zwonch
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2017
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I met the world’s greatest security guard the other day. When I asked him the secret, he said it was all in his name.

Barry R.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DenialTwister
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
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As a Broadway director my life's greatest accomplishment was the production about a group of kleptomaniacs.

Unfortunately, one of them stole the show.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ivegot_back
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
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The greatest air force to ever exist
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blazinfastjohny
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2019
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He was the greatest philosopher of the canine community.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AmethystMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
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Where can you find the greatest jokes in the entire /r/DadJokes universe?

The best jokes are always in the comets…

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
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I never truly saw myself as a father, until my wife gave my the greatest gift of all...

A mirror.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2018
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What is the name of the greatest philosopher to ever live?

Question Mark

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kerlandays
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
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The greatest company
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2019
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One of the greatest puns I've ever read on Reddit. i.reddituploads.com/7cf4f…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Biomy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2016
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Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest

After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of their choice, and whoever received the most karma for it would win.

Adam, already undecided himself, decided to go to /r/AskReddit. He laid out the agreement, and asked that everyone vote one their favorite movie, and the one with the most votes he would use for the his friends. Unfortunately, as the votes were split in that sub, his highest post amounted to a mere 38 points.

Paul, a big proponent for the Toy Story franchise, posted to /r/nostalgia in the hopes that everyone who grew up with Toy Story would agree. Unfortunately, as there had been two sequels (with a third on the way) it wasn't exactly considered "nostalgia" and he got downvoted into oblivion.

Bill, who loved Monsters Inc., made his case using some trickery. Going to /r/news, he found a seemingly unrelated post, and made a top-level comment describing, in great detail, why Monsters Inc. was the greatest film of all time. The fact that the post was so out of context made everyone flock to it, and drew enough attention to new him over a thousand fake internet points.

Mike, who loved the Incredibles movies, decided to stay in his wheelhouse. Over the course of several hours, he created each of the family members from the Incredibles in Soulcaliber VI. Finally, he photoshopped the family together, and posted it to /r/gaming. Under normal circumstances this would have skyrocketed to the top, but the format was stale, and thus only received 20k karma. Still, Mike was confident in his victory.

While the other four friends came up with plans on how to maximize their karma gains, Chris sat silently. For hours he sat, making no posts, coming up with no original content. Finally, an hour before the deadline, he broke into his neighbor's house, stealing his copy of the Pixar movie "Up". He took a picture of his theft and posted it directly to /r/dadjokes with the title "STOLEN".

When the group got together the next day to see who got the most votes, everyone was in awe. Chris's post had over 40,000 points. "How did you know that would win?" "Easy," Chris replied. "Everyone knows stolen content on /r/dadjokes gets all the Up votes."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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[OC] What's the greatest thing about a vegetable party?

You never know who'll turnip!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/felixfelix
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
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One of the greatest artists of the 20th century
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AmethystMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
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At dinner tonight, I made the greatest original pun I’ve ever heard and it went unappreciated.

My dad almost choked on a small flake of pizza crust, and he spent several minutes coughing in a loud and alarming way.

Finally he stopped, and he was all better. Someone caused him to chuckle, which triggered another fit of coughing.

I said... β€œThat definitely didn’t go well; I think he had a β€˜re-laughse’!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iFunny_Migrant
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2018
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I wouldn't say this is the greatest but it's up there. AskReddit post top answer, link in comments.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HakunaSomeWhiskey
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
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Which movie has the greatest twist in its plot?

Twister

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryonnsan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2019
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Perhaps the greatest Facebook comment I have ever made
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CorvidaeSF
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2016
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Green is the greatest color of them all.

I love it more than blue and yellow combined

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πŸ‘€︎ u/insomniac20k
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
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[NSFW]I'm the greatest hentai artists there is...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WorstGabeNA
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2016
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How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?

He rammed everything that he sees

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gssn-nospace
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
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You’re the world’s greatest dad although my frame of reference is pretty limited.

Happy Father’s Day fellow dads!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jangooni
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
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If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi show of all time is Dr. Who.

If I’m being objective, it is Dr. Whom.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
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