It turns out I made a Grave error
Adamant
It was a blessing in disguise.
Lettuce pray
In fact, there is still no e-quill.
It was poultry in motion at its finest.
It's a tern based strategy.
Driving home from school, my son was talking about this one kid in his class, Grace, who was the smartest one in his group and got straight A's. However, for her last writing assignment she turned in a paper with run-on sentences, misspellings, and a whole bunch of wrong punctuation.
"Yeah," he said. "It was a big disgrace."
And that's when I threw that over the shoulder stare to find him grinning ear to ear.
It was a severe winter, and this particular night was bitterly cold. There was a loud knocking at the door which was opened to find Quasimodo shivering.
He was brought in, fed warm food and given a warm place to sleep. The next morning, at breakfast, Quasimodo very diffidently approached the Archbishop to thank him for sheltering him.
"Your Grace," he added, "please give me some work to do so I can earn my keep. I am very good at bell ringing."
"My son," replied the Archbishop, "that is indeed fortuitous timing, as our campanologist is leaving on a pilgrimage to Lourdes. I am wondering, though, with your gnarled hands, if you will not have some difficulty ringing the bells."
"Your Grace, I do not use my hands," Quasimodo explained. "Allow me to demonstrate."
They all went to the belfry, shooed away the bats, and Quasimodo started to ring the bells - with his head.
Everyone was impressed and he got the job. He would ring the bells every day at the appointed time.
For Christmas, he decided to play a symphony as a way to thank everyone. He played so beautifully that everyone was moved to tears.
For the grand finale, he decided to end with a crescendo, so as the last chimes were ringing out on the other nine bells, he drew back to the end of the belfry, ran to the tenth bell and took a flying leap at the bell.
And missed.
He couldn't stop himself, and flew straight out of the belfry to go splat on the pavement below, dead.
People gathered, the gendarmes were summoned, and they started asking if anyone knew who this poor fellow was.
Someone around spoke up, "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."
(to be continued)
"It can only go up from here."
Being the picture of grace and agility that I am (not,) I managed to break the middle finger of my left hand and gouge the index finger on my right hand. I work in a public-facing position. My bandages and splint are rather obvious. I am tired of the questions about what happened, so I'm looking for some clever responses. The best I came up with was when my dentist asked, and I told him it was a terrible flossing accident.
Please help.
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch.
It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse.
"That's amazing!!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the hell are you doing that?!"
The first caterpillar scoffs.
"Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick!?"
A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.
Over a double latte, the Greek mentions "We built the Parthenon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo."
"Aye, and it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."
"But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics."
"Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces."
Knowing that he's about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: "Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!"
"Aye! True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved."
He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. Theres nutelling what can happen next... His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I can only espress-so much grief, but lettuce romaine calm. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There's just not mushroom left for italian chefs in this world... Sending olive my prayers to his family. His wife is really upset, cheese still not over it... You never sausage a tragic thing. Its such a shame good people die fusilli reasons. It was a farfalle from grace... My condolences for Roberto, who died in the spaghetto. May he rest in yeast🙏🏻❤️
Wow! Im so glad so many people laughed at this joke, I got so much happy feedback from everyone lol thank u sm for all the rewards and upvotes, my week couldnt get better!😁
It really grinds my gears when people say stick-shift is obsolete.
Most people like their music bass-boosted, but it seems like too much treble.
When an astronaut drinks tea, he takes a big space-sip.
The best electricity puns are live wires. Coppers really don’t know how to resist these in a coil. If you make enough of this type of pun you can really blow their fuses. You need to be smart about how you conduct these so you don’t overload your capacitors.
The only kind of rap I like is the wrapping paper on gifts.
Scissors always cut to the point.
Airplane puns always fly overhead. You have to be careful so you don’t stall out. Always use better judgement so you nose how to dive. When used correctly, this pun classification can really propel to infinity and beyond. However, if misused, the fall from grace is full of turbulence.
When working with electricity puns always make sure to be grounded to prevent shocking results.
Mr. Tea says, ”Don’t be a fool, stay in school!”
i c e i c e w a t e r
Architecture is an aspiring career path.
‘Pun’ puns don’t add up. The are starting to get negative receptions.
I’ll do algebra. I’ll even do calculus. But graphing is where I draw the line.
Plants should always rooted in the ground.
Never argue with people when they are right or nobody will be left hanging out with you.
Rocks make boulder moves. This means they are pelite and not jagged. Don’t take these puns for granite.
Cheese puns are grate because you don’t have to ask for parmesan to use them.
Eskimos have cold personality. It is an ice society, but some of their history chills my spine.
My dog died a few years ago. It was really ruff.
I am not a fan of wind turbines.
Life is like driftwood. You never know where you will float.
Christmas lights stick together. When one goes out, they all do.
Puns about communism are only funny if everyone gets them.
Rocket scientists cannot fuel around or something bad can happen.
A baker is someone who kneads to make baked goods.
I sometimes wear stripes to avoid being spotted.
Sponges are great at absorbing liquids.
Contrary to the name, relationships have nothing to do with boats.
Everyone knows the Pythagorean theorem, but few people know that Pythagoras was an avid and accomplished explorer who visited the new world before the Vikings or Columbus ever laid eyes on the continent. On one of his early visits he encountered a village and happened upon a woman, heavily pregnant sitting on the hide of a bear. He asked her what she was doing and she told him that she wanted to give birth on the hide so that her child would have the strength of a bear when he was born. As he walked further into the main part of the village he saw another woman, again quite pregnant sitting on the hide of a deer. When asked she replied that she wanted her child to have the grace and agility of a deer. Seeing a trend he was taken aback when he saw a very pregnant woman sitting on the hide of a hippopotamus. Surprised both at the choice and at the existence of such a creature, he wondered what she must wish for her child, but she replied that there just weren’t any other hides available for her so she took what she could get.
Many years later when he returned to the same village, he encountered the first woman and asked about her child. Was he as strong as a bear? She pointed him out and sure enough, her son was busy ripping a stump out of the ground with his hands, as strong as a bear! Amazed, he sought out the second woman, who pointed out her son, running through a field at great speed, as graceful and agile as a deer! Intrigued to say the least, Pythagoras sought the third woman. She pointed out her son, and he didn’t believe his eyes - he was both as strong as a bear and as graceful as a deer; a mountain of a man with grace and poise.
He wrote in his now-famous travel journal his amazing discovery; that the sons of the squaws on the two smaller hides are equal to that of the squaw on the hippopotamus.
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Grace, an Aboriginal woman falls in love with a convict called Ed.
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Grace's brother, Wilangorga ( commonly known as William) is known for his anger and hate for the English.
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That does not stop Grace seeing Ed any time possible.
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One night William is out hunting near the town and sees Ed and Grace together
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Caught off guard , He tries to scare Ed away so William Shakes Spear.
A stick.
Old dude I was holding the open for at the bank graced me with that one.
My 87-year-old grandpa is very hard of hearing and usually takes just a little longer to process thoughts than most people. But he was on top of his game tonight at dinner.
My mom: "Alright, let's say a little grace."
The moment that my mom finished saying the word "grace," my grandpa said, "A little grace."
I guess after being a dad for over 50 years, the jokes come quicker than normal speech. Hopefully, one day I, too, will reach this mastery of the art of dadjoking.
Picture this.
A fancy Christmas dinner party at his new wife's opulent, sandstone estate house. Plates are being cleared from the lengthy, mahogony table that seats the fourteen well-to-do guests, the main course having just finished. All have feasted gloriously on our Christmas fare.
My Dad, playing the good host, picks up two bottles of wine, one white and one red, and proceeds to do a round of the table, chatting amiably with everyone as he circles. Those whose glasses are less than 90% full, he proceeds to top-up. I am sitting in the very centre of the long table, seated directly opposite a very well off lady in her early sixties, by the name of Margaret. My dad, having just topped off my glass, is now standing directly behind me.
This older woman, full of grace and charm, looks to my Dad and says, "Thank you so much for this glorious meal, John. It's been simply divine."
My Dad, "Not at all, Margaret, not at all. Could I charge your glass?"
Margaret, "Oh, no no, thank you. I've got the bottle in front of me!"
My Dad, quick of wit, and with a sneaky - yet charming - grin on his face, responds, "Ah, well, better that than a frontal lobotomy!"
I've never been more proud of him.
My parents were down in Florida for the week, so I had the house to myself and the following conversation occurred when they came home today.
Dad: Did you vacuum at all?
Me: I was, but just didn't get around to it.
Dad: You know I have some of those in my office.
Me: What?
Dad: Round to its, it is a piece of wood that is round and has the words To It on it. A round to it.
Only been home 10 minutes and was graced with this beauty.
I was eating a quick bite before heading out of town after a visit, and Dad graced me with this one out of the blue:
"You know, I told your mother once that I had never taken a laxative..."
"..."
"...She said I was full of shit."
We were walking around Home Depot and I tripped over a mop that had fallen, which brought down some items near me. Naturally, everyone within the vicinity looked at me and at this moment, my mother's boyfriend says: "Just call her 'Grace'."
Me: Ah, yes, let me help you with that. Turning to stack of envelopes "Your Grace, Earl of Envelopia, I have come to address you regarding the matter of correspondence you have graciously offered to assist in..."
Wife: ...Our son isn't even HERE, and he won't understand that for another 5 years anyway.
Over a double latte, the Greek mentions "We built the Parthenon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo."
"Aye, and it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."
"But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics."
"Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces."
Knowing that he's about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: "Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!"
"Aye! True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved."
My son took his eldest daughter (Grace 5yo) to the shops with him to get a few bits for his wife that was on the way back home from hospital after giving birth to thier fourth child.
While there Grace asked "daddy can I have an animal bar" so Adam bought her and her 2 siblings an animal bar for after thier dinner.
On the way back home grace asked "daddy can I have my animal bar now please", "only if you can say please daddy five times" Adam replied, so Grace responded "please daddy five times".
Ive never been prouder
They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.
"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse.
"That's amazing!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the world are you doing that?!"
The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick?"
Right before our families thanksgiving dinner I asked my dad, "being the head of the table, would you like to say grace?"
My Dad: "grace"
As my dad was driving me to college we saw a sign called the Havre De Grace Decoy Museum. My dad asks me, "If that is the decoy museum, where is the real one?!
Ok so the context is our family's big Christmas dinner, almost everyone is sitting at the table ready to eat. We always start with a prayer. Mom: Okay everyone before we start eating, would somebody say grace? Dad: GRACE!
