A guy brings his friend to see his new lake house. When they get there, they see a goose on the front steps.
The friend says "hey, is he yours?"
The guy replies "yep, kept him after I found him alone by the lake. He can't communicate with any of the other birds."
His friend looked confused. "Is he mute?"
"No. I think he speaks porch geese."
"Egg-plant" shirt by me. Never got why the vegetable was called that until I found out that they used to be white and look like goose eggs back in the day
My buddy was promoted to quality inspector for the Canada Goose Jacket Company. He doesn't like it very much though...
...lately, he's been feeling down.
Geese fly in a V-formation for aerodynamics, and when the lead goose gets tired he switches out his position. But one side of the V is almost always longer than the other. Do you know why?
I'm on the final step to becoming a Jamaican citizen...
get ready for the monsoon.
What does the grape say after it's stepped on?
Nothing, it just lets out a little wine
True story: I was a kid, watching TV in our living room. My dad was outside using the grill. All of a sudden he bursts in the door hopping on one foot yelling “I stepped on a Bee!”
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
A fish steps outside her house and get hers fins and gills blown out of order by the weather, so she goes back in for a jacket. Her husband asks, “What’s it like Outside Right Now?” She replies,
What did the grape say when it got stepped on?
Nothing - but it let out a little whine
What is the first step in buying a dog?
You fill out a pupplication
What does the cell say when his sister steps on his toe?
What is the first step in making a solar system?
My son's math's teacher was away so the head of school had to step in and take her place.
It's the principal that counts.
what did the cell say when it’s sister stepped on it’s foot
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
What’s the difference between in-laws & out-laws?
The other day my dog fell into a lake and was drowning. Then some German guy came out of nowhere and saved his life
After I thanked him, he said to me: "Don't vorry, just dry him off and keep him varm, he vill be fine"
I asked him, "Are you a vet?"
He answered, "Am I vet? I'm soaking"
An alien came down to Earth the other day, stepped out of his spaceship and said, "G'day cobber! Let's start a barby and throw some shrimp on! Strewth!".....
....he was an Austr-alien
Hey friends! In support of the LGBTQ+ community I wanted to design a punny pride greeting card and I am so happy with how it turned out :D let me know what you think!
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
I took him to the bar and had a few drinks. Nice guy. He wants to be a web designer.
I just found out the Mortal Kombat theme was based on something old
Why did the 9V battery get kicked out of church?
Because they were holding an AA Meeting
What did the cows say when they ran out of grass?
I just found out that the guy who stole my diary died yesterday.
My thoughts are with his family.
Towards the end of WW2 the Americans decided to try out an advanced, decisive strategy for war ..
I was walking past a field and saw a couple of guys stealing the steps off a fence.
A lady came up to me and said 'Aren't you going to stop them?'
I said 'No. That's not my stile.'
An elderly couple is in a church. The wife says to the husband “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”
The husband says “Change the battery in your hearing aid.”
So a few years back, my sister forgot to put the butter away and mom was chewing her out because it was ruined.
Seeing an opportunity to break the tension, I called from the living room, "I guess you BUTTER not do that again!"
Mom shouted back that my joke was terrible, but she was laughing too much to stay irritated.
A young boy and an old man are walking through the woods at night. The boy tells the man: "I'm scared. It's really dark and spooky out here."
The old man replies, "YOU'RE scared?! I'm the one that has to walk back alone!"
When my aunt Penny died she hadn’t cut her hair in 20 years, when we took her to the crematorium it turns out they charged by weight and we couldn’t afford a receptacle for her ashes. I learned an important lesson that day.
A Penny shaved is a Penny urned.
When I was young my mom would tear out the last page of all my comics. She wouldn't tell me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
A man walks out in the purring rain...
And he thinks to himself: "Why is it raining cats?"
Did you hear about all the trouble that a drummer caused by coming out of retirement?
Apparently there were several repercussions.
I just carved a smiley face on the maple out front...
But enough pleasant trees.
I am Buzz Aldrin. Second man to step on the moon.
I waited & stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun was...
I deleted all of the Germans I know out of my phone's contacts
I couldn't figure out why the frisbee was getting bigger and bigger...
There’s a new virus out called the Peekaboo virus!
They recommend if you catch it to proceed straight to the ICU.
What does a Jewish mother say when she gets a skin rash out in the forest?
Why did the non-binary prospector head out West?
Because there was gold in them/their hills!
Did you know Sully js gay? Well, he came out of the closet.
Did you hear about the redneck who stepped in a bear trap at the hoedown?
I guess it was a real shindigger
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
Nothing. It just let out a little whine.
The grape didn't say much when he got stepped on.
He just let out a little wine.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his foot?
What did the cell say when it’s sister stepped on it’s foot
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