Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?

Patient: Good news please. Doctor: we're naming a disease after you.

πŸ‘︎ 150
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
🚨︎ report
During my trip to Madrid I was staying at this small motel when I grew pretty ill. Thankfully the people at the front desk sent the on call doctor over and he was able to fix me up real quick. I told him I didn't expect such a small place to have such a good doctor, to which he told me

Nobody expects the Spanish Inn Physician

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RKO-Cutter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
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A rich patient told his doctor that money was no problem: "Please give me some good news." "Okay then," said the physician...

"But I'll have to tell that to your widow."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
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"An apple a day keep the doctor away" they say, but only if you have good aim.
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/geekcommunicant
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
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I'm not good at fishing for the same reason I wouldn't make a good Doctor

I lack the Patients

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SmiteTheBacon
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
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Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news? reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Big-LOU_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2018
🚨︎ report
A guy goes to the doctor and says β€œI don’t feel too good it feels like I’ve got a lettuce up my butt.

The proctologist says alright let me have a look.

The proctologist comes back and says β€œI’ve got bad news, it’s worse than that, that’s only the tip of the iceberg”.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nickabref
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2018
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The doctor I was working with today got me pretty good

A patient had broken her thumb and was complaining about difficulty using electronics. I said something to the effect of "I guess you'll have to learn how to be more ambidextrous"

And the doctor replied "I think they call that ambiTEXTrous"

I cringed, I laughed. Mostly cringed though.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/raindancemuggins
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2016
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An unemployed engineer opens a clinic..

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."

Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.

Doctor: "But this is $500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

πŸ‘︎ 390
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tonheatz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Some punny jobs

WORKING ON A JOB

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned I just couldn’t concentrate. . Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe. . After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow. . Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting. . I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it. . I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard. . My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t note worthy. . I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience. . Next was a job in a shoe factory; but it just wasn’t the right fit. . I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income. . I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell. . I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. . After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it. . My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TTMOfficial
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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A carrot and his wife are walking home from a party late at night and he gets hit by a car.

Mrs. Carrot takes him to the ER and after a day of surgery, the doctor steps out and says, "Mrs. Carrot, I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, we saved your husband. The bad news is, he's going to be a vegetable the rest of his life."

πŸ‘︎ 128
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LargeBigHuge
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
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Poor little bunny

A doctor is driving home one night along a lonely road when a rabbit suddenly bolted in front of his car. The doctor swerved and tried his best to stop, but it wasn't possible and the car hit the bunny.

He immediately pulled the car to the side of the road and got out to see if he could help the poor bunny. It didn't look good. He raced back to the car to retrieve his bag, but realized almost instantly that he was driving his wife's car and so his bag wouldn't be there.

He frantically rooted through the glovebox, trying to find gauze or water - anything that could be useful. He found a bottle of what he expected was water and brought it back to where the bunny was laying. With great care, he poured a cap full and let the bunny drink.

To the doctor's amazement, the rabbit sprang back to life - jumping up on his hind legs and wiggling his tail. He smiled at the doctor and waved as he began to prance back toward the woods. He hopped a couple of feet, paused, turned and waved again. Hopped another few feet, turned and waved yet again. He reached the edge of the trees and again, he turned and waved at the doctor.

Stunned, the doctor brought the bottle up to the light to see what magic potion he had discovered. Squinting his eyes, he read the label aloud, "Hair restorer with permanent wave".

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening.

Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.

So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.

He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.

As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.

She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.

This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.

When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.

This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.

The two couldn't be happier!

They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.

One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.

She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.

She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.

A shallot, if you will.

A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.

They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.

The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.

Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.

Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.

He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.

One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.

The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.

She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
A man goes to see his father at his parents house

They both sit and start chatting

Son : how was your doctors appointment?

Dad: good!the doctor gave me different medication for my memory loss

Son : oh really ? What are the name of the pills?

Dad : ( struggling to remember ) oohh...uhhh.... something to do with flowers but I can’t remember

Son: tulips ?

Dad: no , they’re very popular and everyone loves them .

Son : daisies?

Dad : no! They are bright red and romantic

Son : rose ?

Dad: YES. He loudly yells ROSE, WHAT ARE THE PILLS CALLED THAT THE DOCTOR GAVE ME?

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MNMKandyKane
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Going deaf

A man was concerned that his wife was going deaf so he went to the doctor for advice. The doctor said, "There is a simple test for your wife's hearing. Stand a good distance away from her, ask her a question, and if she doesn't respond keep moving closer while asking the question until she does."

So the man goes home and sees his wife cooking dinner. He gets about 20 feet away and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?". She doesn't respond. He moves to 15 feet away and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response. He moves to 10 feet behind her and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still nothing. He moves to just 5 feet away and asks again "Honey, what's for dinner?", The wife finally turns around and says,

"For the fourth time, we're having lasagna!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doctr1989
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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A duck bit me last weekend.

I shrugged it off at first, but then I started feeling really under the weather, so I went to see my doctor.

Good thing I did, turns out I actually contracted a pretty serious mallard-y.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CalamityBlue
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2018
🚨︎ report
Two potatoes were walking together down the street.

They stepped off the curb and a speeding car came around the corner and ran one of them over. The uninjured potato called 911 and helped his injured friend as best he was able. The injured potato was taken to emergency at the hospital and rushed into surgery. After a long and agonizing wait, the doctor finally appeared. "I have good news, and I have bad news," he told the uninjured potato, "The good news is that your friend is going to pull through." "The bad news... is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2018
🚨︎ report
The best joke my dad ever told

My dad is really proud of this one. It's the only joke he's ever told that's been funny enough to make somebody laugh so hard that they spit out of their nose. It was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for this joke, so let me give you some context first:

He's been in a motorcycle accident (hit and run by an illegal immigrant), and had to have most of his vertebrae fused. They use titanium rods to hold your back from bending, so as you can imagine its kind of a major operation. His doctor prescribed a year (or longer if needed) of massage therapy, which he was thankful for. Twice a week he went in to a small clinic for a few hours at a time, and usually had the same masseuse. Let's call her Marge.

After four months of therapy they of course got to know each other very well. He was always faithful to my mother, but he was good friends with Marge. Their conversations range all the way from baseball to differentials, and everything stays platonic.

Here's where the story begins:

During a massage, they are having an energetic conversation, the time comes where he turns onto his back so that she can get to his knee ligaments (chainsawed his kneecap a few years prior, doc said may as well get there too). She goes at it like normal, and the conversation continues. Now here comes the part that made my dad wait to tell me this until recently: The "stimulation" in his knee for some reason, on that day out of all others, triggered a reflexive erection. There was nothing he could do to stop it.

The conversation goes quiet. Marge notices, but doesn't say a word. She remains professional. She continues working. My dad is more embarrassed than he's ever been. Several minutes of silence pass, and my dad cant take it anymore.

"Marge," he says, "I think we need to talk about the elephant in the room."

He raises his head to look down the table at her. He glances at it, then back to her. With a slight shake of his head he says:

"Wait nevermind, it's only his trunk"

πŸ‘︎ 150
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DONT_PM_MEH_PLEES
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2015
🚨︎ report
my 5 year old needs glasses

eye test at school said he needs glasses

me:we need to make you an appointment for the eye doctor

son:but i can see just fine, i can see everything

me: can you see why kids love the taste of cinnamon toast crunch?

son:.....

he didnt get it, but i got a good chuckle

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zebrahead110
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2017
🚨︎ report
Horse Puns

Funniest horse puns and jokes

A white horse walks into a pub and asks for a whisky. The landlord says: β€œHey, we’ve got a whisky named after you.” The horse replies: β€œWhat, George?”


A horse trudges slowly into a pub and orders a drink. β€œEvenin’” says the barman, β€œwhy the long face?”


A horse walks into a smart cocktail bar. The doorman says: β€œWait you can’t come in here without a tie.”The horse goes out to his car, looks in the boot and gets a set of jump leads, which he ties around his neck.He goes back in and says to the barman: β€œThis alright?” The barman says: β€œHmm, ok… but don’t be starting anything.”


A poorly-looking horse limps into a bar with a bandage round his head. He orders a glass of champagne, a vintage brandy and two pints of Guinness. He downs the lot and says to the barman: β€œI shouldn’t really be drinking this with what I’ve got?” β€œWhy, what have you got?” β€œAbout Β£2 and a carrot.”


Which side of a horse has more hair? The outside What’s a horse’s favourite TV show? Neighbours


A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet. β€œWill I be able to race this horse again?,” he asks The vet replies: β€œOf course you will, and you’ll probably win!”


Did you hear about the depressed horse? He told a tale of whoa!


A dead horse walks into a bar and orders a whisky.

β€œI’m sorry, sir,” says the barman. β€œWe don’t serve spirits..


A talking horse walks into a bar and approaches the manager. β€œExcuse me, good sir,” the horse says, β€œare you hiring?” The manager looks the horse up and down and says, β€œSorry, pal. Why don’t you try the circus?” The horse nickers. β€œWhy would the circus need a bartender?”


Did you hear about the man who was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside him? The doctor described his condition as stable.


What did the horse say when it fell? β€œI’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”


Q. What does it mean if you find a horseshoe? A. Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.


A man rode his horse to town on Friday. The next day he rode back on Friday. How is this possible? The horse’s name was Friday.


Why did the pony have to gargle? Because it was a little horse!


What did the horse say when it fell? I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!


What did the teacher say when the horse walked into the class? Why the long face?


What do you call a horse that lives next door? A neigh-bo

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2017
🚨︎ report
My mom's accidental dad joke

My great aunt died recently. My mom called and told me at school. I guess my aunt had fallen asleep on the couch and never woke up. She had an enlarged heart, the doctors said, and it gave out on her while she was sleeping.

I didn't really know my aunt, but my mom grew up with her. So I asked my mom if she was okay.

"Yeah I'm okay," she said. "I will miss her, but she died peacefully. She was a good woman. She had a really big heart."

πŸ‘︎ 86
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πŸ‘€︎ u/geekcheese
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2015
🚨︎ report
Will I be able to play the guitar?

My dad was at the doctors seeing about gout in his fingers and a possible operation to help the pain.

Dad: 'Will I able to play the guitar?'

Doctor: 'yes'

Dad: 'Good, I couldn't before'

πŸ‘︎ 162
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scottwalker88
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2013
🚨︎ report
Discussion with an Anesthesiologist

This happened verbatim on Tuesday afternoon.

Discussing emergency surgery on my one month old son with the anesthesiologist. I said:

"I hope you have an alternate method for putting him to sleep. He isn't too good at counting back from 100 yet."

While the doctor got a good chuckle out of that my wife dropped her head into her hands and said "dadjokes. It's too soon for that crap."

It is never too soon for dadjokes!

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thonlo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad recently went in for carpal tunnel surgery.

Before the doctors put him under, he asked "Will I be able to play the violin after this surgery?"

The doctors said, "Of course."

He replies, "Good, because I couldn't play it before."

πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Midget_Slap
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2013
🚨︎ report
I was in a meeting at work this afternoon and heard this masterpiece

Older gentleman: I'm running out of patience in my old age

Guy on the other end of the table: Well it's a good thing you're not a doctor

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mpflug7
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2017
🚨︎ report
I guess I really am my dad's son.

Dad: "My friend is doing a phd in violin studies." Me: "Oh a violin doctor? Yeah he'll get some good connections and be able to pull a few strings." Dad: "Yeah but only if he is a well-tuned doctor, and is able to work in harmony with others." Dad: "Only then will his treatment be sweet music to the ears."

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hookahbeard
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2015
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I saved this dad joke for 30 years for just the right moment...

I think I "invented" this joke when I was around 15, but I'm sure others have as well since it's not too subtle. The key, though, was that I waited for just the right moment to use it for the first time.

I had an ear infection, so I went to the doctor, who took a look and quickly diagnosed it and wrote a prescription and handed it to me.

> Doctor: It's just an ear infection, so 4 drops of this daily should clear it right up.

> Me: [Reading the prescription, and seeing the name of the antibiotic, but I may be wrong about the name, so if anyone knows the right name, please reply.] [Completely seriously.] Oraline? So, I put the drops in my mouth?

> Doctor: [Quizzically.] No, no, no, you put it in your ear!

> Me: Oh, I read the name, and "Oraline" sounds like something you'd take orally.

> Doctor: Nope, in the ear.

> Me: [Remembering my dad joke.] It's a good thing that you didn't prescribe me analgesics.

The doctor had no reaction, just said their deadpan goodbye and left. I've wondered if they didn't get it, didn't think it was funny, or had heard it hundreds of times before.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TaedW
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2015
🚨︎ report
Sister Mary Margaret went to the doctor for her early physical

Sister Mary Margaret went to the doctor for her early physical. The doctor said "alright, I'll need you to take off your habit and stand in your underwear."

The sister took off her habit and stood in her underwear before the doc. He started to examine her and saw lettuce sticking out of her underwear.

"Sister, you have lettuce sticking out of your underwear. That doesn't look good for your exam."

She replied "that's just the tip if the Iceberg."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JohnFoxpoint
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2015
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I think my wife is displeased.

My wife took the day off because she had an eye doctor appointment. She just sent me a text.

"Can't wait to see you!"

"Is that a contact lens joke?"

"No"

"Woulda been a good one!"

She has not replied. I regret nothing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/soomuchcoffee
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2015
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I made a dad joke.

First of all sorry for any spelling or grammar errors.

My friend had a bad pain in his right shoulder. He went to the female doctor who did all the things doctors do.

I waited him outside because I was driving, and I waited for a about 30 minutes.

Finally he was done and we were ready to go home. I asked him how it went and he said to me that the doctor is really nice and good looking and that she was all over him, checking the arm, shoulder and the back, joking that she wanted him.

And I jokingly said on english "She want's the D", he said yea dude and smiled and I continued "Diagnose".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Siziph
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2016
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Girlfriend works at a Dermatology Clinic, this just happened

Her boss, the head doctor, wasn't in a good mood this morning so I say:

Me: "Hopefully she doesn't get under your skin too much."

Her: "Oh that was awful. Really got me skin deep there."

Me: "Yeah I was a little rash with that word choice, but I'm not even sorry. Hopefully atopic better than this will arise."

Her: "groans over text"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mcm93
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2015
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I got my wife, then she got me...

My dad is going to have a colonoscopy in the morning. I told her the news, then followed with...

"I sure hope my dad doesn't make an ass of himself tomorrow." She gives me a courtesy smile. So I try another...

"If he has any questions, I don't think he'll feel too shy to assssk." Nothing.

Then she says, "I hope the doctor has a good rebuttal for all these terrible jokes."

Boom. Roasted.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CowboyColin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2015
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My grandfather, with two generations of dad jokes under his belt, lets this loose at dinner...

Grandpa: "So a Chinese fella is getting his eyes checked at the eye doctor since he can't see as well anymore. The doctor takes a good look at his eyes and tells him that he has a cataract.

He responds, 'I don't drive a Cadirrac! I drive a Rincoln Continental!'"

Oh, grandpa.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/InsipidCelebrity
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2013
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I got my friend really good...

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up? Friend: I dunno, maybe a doctor, but a good one. I don't want to be a Gastroenterologist or something like that and look at assholes all day Me: Yeah, that sounds like a shitty job groans from everyone at the table

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MoeLester99
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2015
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Saw my Dad over the long weekend. I knew I was home when he said this ...

My mother was cleaning the kitchen and fussing about the coffee. "I need my coffee," she said. "I don't have patience." Without skipping a beat, my Dad countered. "Good thing you're not a doctor." Then he turned to me to see if I got it. Man I love my Dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/birurya
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2014
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I think I Nailed this

I'm on my mobile, so I apologize for any typos.


Today I had a simple surgical procedure at my local podiatrist.

At the end of the procedure the doctor was applying an acid to the surgical site, and I asked what he was using.

Doc: "...this is called Phenol, and it discourages the regrowth of the ingrown nail."

Me: "That sounds phenolmenal!"

He stopped what he was doing for a moment, and we had a good laugh, turns out he had never heard that all to obvious pun.

Also, I'm pretty sure khakis are going to sprout from my legs pretty soon.

I'll keep you all in the loop on that front

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Agr8
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2015
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My Dad Dad joked me and he didn't know it

We were leaving the gastroenterologist (butt doctor) the other day and my dad said to me

Dad: "I am glad that we got there early. Did you see how backed up he was when we left?"

Me: "Ha! That was a good one!"

Dad: "I don't ge…Oh. Uggh"

My favourite dad joke my dad has told me to date.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wikipuff
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2015
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Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?

Patient: Good news please. Doctor: we're naming a disease after you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?

Patient: Good news please. Doctor: we're naming a disease after you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
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The doctor tells the patient that he has some good news and some bad news...

Patient: Tell me the bad news first!

Doctor: Sure. The bad news is that there is no good news.

Patient: Well? What is the good news then?

Doctor: That there is no bad news either.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/coldwaterguy12
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2017
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Bad and Good News

I went to the doctor. He says, β€œI have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like first?”

I thought about it and said, β€œthe good news?”

He says, β€œthey’re naming a disease after you.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oldbizmark
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
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I just got back from my doctor. He told me he had good news and bad news.

He said, "The good news is, you have twenty four hours left to live."

I said, "Doctor, what do you mean?! If that's the good news, what's the bad news?"

My doctor said, "Well, I forgot to call you yesterday."

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2013
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