A mooborn!
The work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
25 - If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
I told him he made an Egg-finity omelette.
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I asked my blood type ( genuinely didn't know it). When they said A Positive, I mused, "that must explain why I'm such a positive guy.” ( got a pretty good chuckle from those in the room)
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They realized I didn't need oxygen and hauled the tank out of the room. I uttered, "tanks for nothing!" (got a bigger chuckle)
Not the greatest puns ever, but not bad for just coming out of general anesthetic :)
Me: How would you feel about a holiday cruise?
Dad: That sounds good, we can start at Christmas Island and go to Easter Island.
Me: (shakes head)
Me: Hey Kenny, what are you up to?
Him: Oh, about the same, not quite six foot!
I could only stand there in amazement.
Often after clearing my plate, my Dad would say: Would you care for seconds? Me: No thank you. I've had sufficient. Dad: What's that? You've been fishing? Me: No, Dad. I've had plenty. Dad: You caught twenty?!
Lionel Messi had just scored and my dad didn't know who it was so my brother said "Wow that was Messi Dad." to which my dad responded "I don't know, I thought it was pretty clean"
Q: what is it called when two eye doctors are having an illicit affair?
A: An optome-tryst
Cue eye rolling and groans
Me: "Some of the ice just hit me in the face!" Dad: "I would too if you tried to break me."
So while waiting at the DMV today to get the registration for my new car, a father and his daughter were waiting for her to get her license. At one point, he turned to her and said, "We don't have a piano, but we do have Kleenex. You can't be an organ donor, but you can still be a tissue donor." I chuckled and groaned all at once.
What's wrong, you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine. It's just this damned escalator. It's really letting me down.
Got the whole eye-roll along with the sigh & groan.
Flatmate: Ah! Ronald [the dog] gets so smelly after he sweats! I didn't even know dogs had pores! I thought they sweat by panting or something!
Me: What are you talking about!? Their paws are on the bottom of their legs!
heavy groaning by everyone in the room
Doctor: OK Mr. Dad, how tall are you?
Dad: Oh, I don't know, I'd say about 5'12, maybe 5'13.
Today at the checkout line in Home Depot, my dad decides to open up the conversation with the cashier with, "You know, one time I met MR. Depot..." Hard to keep a straight face after that one...
Doctor: "So how are you feeling today?"
Patient: "With my fingers."
