I got the final treatment today for hemorrhoids.
You could have said it was a pain in the ass
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︎ Dec 12 2020
The final potatoes
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︎ Jul 05 2020
What did Jesus the Interior Decorator say in his final moments?
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︎ Nov 10 2020
The origami semi-finals are airing soon.
You can watch it on Paperview
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︎ Jul 17 2020
Did you hear the one about the Mexican Magician? He announced to his audience: "For my final illusion, I will make myself vanish on the count of threeβ¦"
"β¦ UNO! DOS!" *POOF* And he vanished without a Tres.
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︎ May 27 2020
I was on a game show and the final question was "What do you call a 3D painting made out of plaster?" I couldn't think of the answer and I was worried I'd lose all of the money. Then I got it right!
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︎ Sep 19 2020
A man takes his seat at a football world cup final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy.
MAN: "Who would ever miss the world cup final?"
GUY: "That was my wifes seat. We have been to the last five world cup finals together, but sadly she passed away."
MAN: "That's terrible, but couldn't you have brought another family member, friend or someone else with you?"
GUY: "No...They are all at her Funeral!"
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︎ Sep 05 2020
A Spanish magician prepares the audience for his final trick...
He yells "UNO!"
The crowd falls silent in anticipation.
"DOS!"
Everyone's eyes are wide, laser focused on the preformer.
Then, the magician vanishes... without a tres.
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︎ Jun 25 2020
I happily hummed as I attached the final arm to my dead girlfriends torso...
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︎ May 23 2020
The final four letters in the word βqueueβ arenβt silent...
Theyβre just waiting their turn...
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︎ May 21 2018
Did you see the final episode of that new Netflix series about the dude who couldn't stop buying himself gifts!?
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︎ Apr 02 2020
The headline writer for this article had waited years for this moment. Though it is rumoured his final idea came to him on the tube...
bbc.co.uk/news/uk-englandβ¦
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︎ Jan 12 2020
[OC] The Final, Most Essential Command
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︎ Sep 01 2019
The Final Frontier is damper than I expected.
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︎ Jul 26 2019
So I hear they're coming out with another sequel to Undertale, but this time, the final boss is an extinct giant shark.
His boss battle theme will be called Megalodonia.
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︎ Nov 21 2019
The teacher called me out in front of the whole class for cheating on the final and took away my A+.
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︎ Jan 14 2019
What did the dying spice merchant say to his final customer?
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︎ Oct 31 2019
Everytime I open a bag of M&Ms it's like the final question in a round of Mastermind...
.... I've started, so I'll finish.
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︎ Oct 12 2019
I'm in the Masterchef Final
The steaks have never been higher
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︎ Oct 13 2019
Did you hear about the final round of the Artist Competition?
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︎ Aug 28 2019
I made it to the final round of the Art Competition, but didnβt win.
It turned out to be a draw.
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︎ Aug 29 2019
What did the death row prisoner request as his final meal?
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︎ Jan 13 2019
After all the final season backlash, how did D&D get off the Game of Thrones highway?
They took Daenerys exit..
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︎ Jun 20 2019
Every year on New Year's Eve, when everyone's counting down the final 10 seconds to ring in the new year, I get up off the couch and stand up. I stand up and raise my left leg and just leave it raised for a little while until the countdown finishes and midnight strikes
that way I always start the new year off on the right foot
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︎ Nov 30 2018
I submitted 10 puns to a joke writing competition to see if any of them made to the finals.
Sadly, no pun in ten did.
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︎ Mar 31 2018
The British parliament finally approved the final draft of the Brexit letter to the European Union.
Itβs not EU, itβs me.
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︎ Jan 17 2019
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf
...but I don't want to jump to conclusionsο»Ώ.
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︎ Mar 06 2019
It seems like the Final Fantasy VII remake will run quite efficiently.
It looks like most calculations will be done in the Cloud.
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︎ Aug 22 2016
For the final time this year:
See you next year (from California)!
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︎ Jan 01 2019
A teacher is grading final exams. As soon as he grades the last paper, he starts sobbing. A student asks him what's wrong and the teacher says,
"I have failed all of you as a teacher."
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︎ Aug 31 2018
My favorite college teacher, Professor Grey, had the most unforgettable final exams.
It was the Grey Test of all time.
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︎ Apr 29 2018
For the final piece of coursework in my art diploma, I used my knife to cut a line across Mr Hamill and Mr Wahlberg just after they'd finished eating.
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︎ Sep 28 2018
I was playing in the darts final
Threw the first dart. Umpire says βdouble twentyβ.
Threw the second dart. Umpire says βdouble twentyβ.
Threw the final dart and a nun stood up, hit her straight on the head and killed her.
Umpire says βOne nun dead and eighty!β
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︎ May 30 2018
Finals of the national trivia quiz in Foodlandia.
Foodlandia is a country where every city is named after a food and every city has a guild to represent it in competitions and such.
It was the finals of the national city vs. city trivia quiz and the two remaining contestants were guilds from Curry City and Pasta City.
The final question was "Which is the most popular pet in Foodlandia?". Each city's guild put their answer in a sealed envelope and they were stored for the next days big reveal.
On the next morning the officials went to retrieve the envelopes and they found a horrific sight, a dead spy from Pasta City and in his hand an opened envelope with a paper inside that read "Curry City Guild: The Cat".
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︎ Apr 30 2017
Satisfactory is actually the final stage of production;
It really begins at the satis-refinery.
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︎ Jul 06 2017
I submit to you a pun about plants in the final minutes of my reddit birthday.
So I know of this one plant. He's a sentient plant, who feels like he needs to move around more than he does (because plants can't move where they're planted on their own), and decided that he needs feet to do so.
So, the plant got a contractor to build him a laboratory around himself. He worked tirelessly for years in hopes of growing a foot he could use, but to no avail. Or, almost no avail.
He managed to finally create SOMETHING, but it wasn't much. All he could get out of all of his experiments and concoctions was a toe. Not even a real toe, a fake one.
So he has now performed...
FAUX-TOE-SYNTHESIS
(say it out loud)
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︎ May 26 2012
My History professor asked us to write some jokes on the back of our history final for extra credit. After the groans from everyone I told it to, I think it belongs here.
Why was Leif Erikson not accredited with discovering the New World?
Because if he had put some roots down, he would have been Tree Erikson.
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︎ Dec 17 2015
I think my professor dadjoked my class before taking the final.
While everyone in class was doing some last minute studying and freaking about about the final, my professor makes one last announcement before handing out the final:
"Don't worry everyone, all of the answers are on the test."
They were.
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︎ Dec 16 2015
Dadjoked in the Archery final
Commentator: He's gonna need to score high, 10, 10 and more 10s
Dad: So what you're saying is it's going to be a tens final?
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︎ Aug 12 2016
Did you hear about the pilot who aced his final exams in college?
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︎ Oct 03 2016
My girlfriend had The Final Countdown stuck in her head...
She said "where did that come from!"
"Europe."
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︎ Dec 12 2016
Why did the roofing students miss their final exam?
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︎ Sep 04 2016
The women's tennis grand final...
is like a real case of 2girls1cup
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︎ Jan 24 2014
My house is my kingdom. I always have the final word.
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︎ May 06 2016
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