Look at that Dalmatian there in the distance!

-Well spotted!

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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While sailing across the ocean, the night watchman saw a dark shape in the distance. He called the First Mate, who also couldn't tell what it was. So he called the Captain. "I can't tell either," he said. "Fetch me an obstetrician."

The obstetrician came to the bridge, squinted into the night and said:

"Congratulations, Captain. It's a buoy!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thesmartass1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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Did you know Bennie and The Jets were the first group to social distance ?

They were so spaced-out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/borg6510
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
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What's the best way to see big butts from a distance?

BaDONKulars

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aelbaum
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
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We went camping and heard some motorcycles off in the distance

There must be some wild hogs in the area

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Capta1nR3dbeard
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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The bar is within walking distance...

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar...
And a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house...

The difference is staggering!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BelgianRoo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
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I just learned that now we have to social-distance at the beach and mark a 6-foot perimeter!

Well, I'm drawing a line in the sand.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TMCBarnes
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
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I was standing in the backyard staring into the distance. My wife asked what I’m doing?

I said there’s a long standing tradition in my family. She asked what is it? I said I just told you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bringojackprot
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
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My friends got together to play electric guitar, but the distance from the wall to their axes was too great...

Luckily, they had a power chord.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
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A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, "Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I've never seen his kind before."

So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic.

As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm... That was some good lion meat!"

The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can" and then runs away.

Over in a tree, is a monkey who sees everything and realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and getting something in return.

So the monkey finds the lion and tells him what really happened.

The lion says to the monkey angrily, "Get on my back, we'll get him together".

So the monkey climbs on the lion's back and they start rushing back to the dog.

The dog sees them, realizes what has happened and starts to panic even more.

But then he gets another idea and shouts, "Where is that monkey!?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2019
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A man is starving in the desert and sees a bacon tree in the distance.

When he makes it over to the tree, a robber steps out and points a gun at him.

The man says, "whoa, I just wanted some of the bacon from the bacon tree!"

The robber grunts and says, "This ain't no bacon tree. This is a hambush!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WERE_A_BAND
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
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I had to go to the bathroom and I pointed at a sign in the distance and asked my friend, "Does that say 'Restroom'?"...

He said he didn't know, but he saw "-room", he didnt see the rest.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMillionthSam
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2017
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I thought my girlfriend was trying to squint to see something in the distance...

She just drew one eyebrow too low and the other too high.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2019
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I once got lost in the desert and thought I saw a celebrity in the distance

Turns out it was just a Nicki Mirage.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/leejoness
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2018
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What do you call the force of by a piano player applied over a distance?

A Joel

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theemptyqueue
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2018
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Q: What did one shepherd say to the other after seeing a wolf in the distance?

Let's get the flock out of here.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2015
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Just the other day someone asked how my long distance relationship was going

I said β€œso far,so good”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ghamy300
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2017
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This joke goes The Distance.

SO:starts playing a song by Cake I just love Cake. Me: That's great and all but I prefer pie.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/orthaeus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2017
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Distance makes the dadjokes grow fonder.

On vacation in Myrtle Beach from Michigan as we speak... as I speak... as I type, whatever. In our texting conversation my dad dropped this one on me.

Me: The fog was so thick this morning, I couldn't see the ocean.

Dad: Neither could I.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2015
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So I was monitoring our progress on Google Maps and calling out the distance to the next turn as it changed...

Daughter: "Dad, maybe you don't update our progress every mile?"

Me: "Actually, I'm updating our progress every .1 of a mile. Does that make you tenth?"

Earned me the coveted groan with double eye roll...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EngineerBill
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2014
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