The Distance Puns

-Well spotted!

The obstetrician came to the bridge, squinted into the night and said:

"Congratulations, Captain. It's a buoy!"

They were so spaced-out.

BaDONKulars

There must be some wild hogs in the area

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar...
And a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house...

The difference is staggering!

Well, I'm drawing a line in the sand.

I said there’s a long standing tradition in my family. She asked what is it? I said I just told you.

Luckily, they had a power chord.

So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic.

As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm... That was some good lion meat!"

The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can" and then runs away.

Over in a tree, is a monkey who sees everything and realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and getting something in return.

So the monkey finds the lion and tells him what really happened.

The lion says to the monkey angrily, "Get on my back, we'll get him together".

So the monkey climbs on the lion's back and they start rushing back to the dog.

The dog sees them, realizes what has happened and starts to panic even more.

But then he gets another idea and shouts, "Where is that monkey!?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!"

When he makes it over to the tree, a robber steps out and points a gun at him.

The man says, "whoa, I just wanted some of the bacon from the bacon tree!"

The robber grunts and says, "This ain't no bacon tree. This is a hambush!"

He said he didn't know, but he saw "-room", he didnt see the rest.

She just drew one eyebrow too low and the other too high.

Turns out it was just a Nicki Mirage.

A Joel

Let's get the flock out of here.

I said “so far,so good”

SO:starts playing a song by Cake I just love Cake. Me: That's great and all but I prefer pie.

On vacation in Myrtle Beach from Michigan as we speak... as I speak... as I type, whatever. In our texting conversation my dad dropped this one on me.

Me: The fog was so thick this morning, I couldn't see the ocean.

Dad: Neither could I.

Daughter: "Dad, maybe you don't update our progress every mile?"

Me: "Actually, I'm updating our progress every .1 of a mile. Does that make you tenth?"

Earned me the coveted groan with double eye roll...