I heard Ian McKellan, Ian McDiarmid, and Ian Holm are teaming up to defend the Milky Way.

They’re calling themselves the Guard-Ians of the Galaxy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JiminyKirket
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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There was a knight whose job it was to guard other knights while they sleep

But as anyone that has worked the night shift knows it can be a long and boring affair. No great threats to defend against. So this knight decided to improve himself, night after night he would bring books to read while he stood guard. Learning languages, math, philosophy. The smarter he gets the more he realizes that he will likely leave the world and be forgotten. In his depression he turns to music, learning instrument after instrument, style after style. Using his knowledge of math to create beautiful patterns and moving songs. He learns that it is they rhythm more than anything that draws people to a song and sets his nights to finding the rhythm that will be universally loved. Now, hundreds of years after his death, people the world over still remember Sir Cadian's Rhythm.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirDianthus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
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Why did the man in a wheelchair need someone to defend him?

Because he couldn't stand up for himself

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadyshdy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
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Did you hear about the dude who survived a Kodiak bear attack with only a .22 to defend himself?

After taking a bullet to the knee, his friend wasn't as lucky.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
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A defendant wants to take the stand.

The judge says, "You might as well take the stand. According to your record of thefts and the current larceny charges against you, it appears that you've already taken about everything else."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2018
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What is the best way to defend yourself in Israel?

Jew-jitsu

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
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Judge: "So, Mr Robot. Your neighbour accused you of stealing their electricity to power yourself. How do you plead?"

The defendant who is a robot: "Guilty as charged"

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
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The defendant formed a shape of an X in front of the plaintiff.

The plaintiff got X-posed

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Byumbyum
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2018
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When all hope was lost in the courtroom, the defendant attorney suddenly came out of some luggage and won the trial with efficiency and success.

It was a brief case.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BustZaNuto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2019
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The defendant used his body to make the shape of the letter X in front of the plaintiff

The plaintiff got exposed

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Byumbyum
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2018
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The defendant was accused of bringing dynamite into a steer.

A-bomb-in-a-bull!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gt0t
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2018
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What is the minimal force required to defend a graveyard?

A skeleton crew.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TaohRihze
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2015
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What did the Turkey judge say to the defendant?

GAVEL GAVEL GAVEL

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wwesmudge
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2014
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A student is arrested and brought to court for carrying a weapon to his morning lecture

Judge: Why did you bring a taser to your lecture?

Defendent: Well you see sir, I have a hard time getting up in the morning. But I’m not a big fan of soft drinks or coffee, so I thought the next best thing was to give me a good shock.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pumped_Pipe
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
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Prosecutor: "In the case of who illegally made a blanket out of patches,

we call the defendant quilty"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeterRoar
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
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Buddy Doesn't Know How to Park

So this is a true story.

I work a retail job. My friend neglected to properly put his Mustang in park in his space. It moved backwards across the lot and in to a customer's Jeep Grand Cherokee. Luckily for him, the damage was not serious.

Unlucky for him, all of my coworkers (and a few customers) proceeded to mercilessly roast him on the showroom floor.

Looking to me to defend him, he asked, "why don't you back me up?"

I said: "Back up seems to be the last thing you need, I'd just learn to roll with it, you might say I'm pretty neutral..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/allnerdsbewareme
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
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I got in trouble at work for damaging an executive's Microsoft tablet.

I defended myself saying "I've barely scratched the Surface"

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RutabagaJoe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2018
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Court Chester: Cell of the Century

Chester, the defendant, stood in front of the judge's imposing bench, waiting patiently for the reason why he was there. To further muddle the moment, he stared at items unfamiliar to him, at least in that context.

Perched on and near His Honor's desk were the following: A DuraLast Ultra in one car with a long, black cord stretching to another car, several alkaline D cells plugged into a black box, and lastly, a cell phone with its cord sticking into the wall.

Finally removing Chester's questioned look was his attorney leaning into his ear to whisper, "It's official, now: You're facing battery charges."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bradstros
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
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You know why environmentalism is said to be green?

Because the earth is sick of the hypocrisy of the protesters who claim to be defending it.

https://i0.wp.com/climatechangedispatch.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/cartoon-earth-day.jpg

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2018
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Our Hero

Our hero is rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

Our hero lives in Marree, South Australia. He hears about a job opportunity in Darwin, so goes to his car to drive the 3,100 ks to Darwin. One problem, his car won't start.

This is no problem for our hero, because he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

He walks to Darwin.

When he gets there, the bosses love him, and offer him the job on the spot.

"One problem," they say "The job is in Cape Town, and all air traffic has been halted because of the cyclones"

No problem for our hero. He's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

Our hero gets on the boat to travel the 11,000 ks to Cape Town.

Not far into the journey, the boat hits a storm and capsizes. No problems for our hero, he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

He starts swimming.

In the open ocean, a container ship spots him, and offers to help.

"One problem," the captain says over the loud speaker, "There's no rope".

No problem for our hero, he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

He scales the side of the ship bare-handed.

A few days later, they're attacked by pirates. One problem, he's unarmed and outnumbered

No problem for our hero as he is rough, he is tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

Our hero valiantly defends himself, gets some weapons, and is defending the bridge from all attackers.

He fights off the captain of the pirates, and deals him a mortal blow. One problem, the captain in his death throws, pushes our hero off the bridge, and he plummets towards the deck.

No problem for our hero as he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PoglaTheGrate
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2018
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Why you don't try to explain video games to fathers.

So I was having dinner with my father attempting to describe to him a bad experience I had while playing a game of League of Legends with my boyfriend. The conversation went as follows. " SO yeah, I was Evelynn a champion who can go invisible and my boyfriend told me to go back door their nexus, which is to go attack it when the team isn't there to defend it's kinda a cheep tactic, but ended up not working. Sigh" I look up at him and he replied completely straight-faced "At least you can't get pregnant that way" Needless to say I blushed profusely.

πŸ‘︎ 138
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Waitingtillmarch
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2013
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The judge says

Have you anything to say before I pass sentence?

"Nothing your honor" the defendant replies.

Judge asks the clerk of the court "what did the gentleman say?"

The clerk repeats "nothing your honor"

Judge says "I'm sure I seen his lips move"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eltegs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2017
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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I'm a prosecutor, and we had our morning meeting, and I was asked to leave over this one

1: "The fight was in the kitchen area at the restaurant between the bus boy and the dish washer."

Me:" Who is the defendant? "

1: "The dish washer. "

Me: " Is it the State v. Ken More? (Kenmore)"

2: "Get out."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PraetorianXVIII
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2016
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My dad's long running joke...

For as long as I can remember, my dad would go into the bathroom and drop a real stinky shit, then wait outside the bathroom until my mom wanders by at which time he would say something along the lines of "Goddamn Carol! Light a match in there next time! What crawled up your ass and died?!". My mom always would look mortified and defend herself as if she actually did it. Even after countless years of seeing him pull the same routine over and over again it's still hilarious.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Some_Random_Bro
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2013
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In honor of my recently deceased high school English teacher

This was one of her favorite jokes she loved to tell: One day, a man was walking home after a long day at work. As he waited for a crosswalk signal, he glanced back and noticed a coffin standing down the block. "Odd," he thought, but he ignored it and continued home. He turned the corner and managed to catch a glimpse of the coffin again. This time is was closer to him... like it was following him. He picked up his pace and ran into his apartment complex. The coffin was right behind him. In a fright, he dashed up the stairs to his place, locked the door and barricaded himself in the bathroom. Thud, thud, thud! The coffin was banging on the bathroom door. The man frantically looked for something to defend himself. Just as the coffin busted through the door, the man grabbed some cough syrup from the medicine cabinet, threw it at the coffin ... and the coffin stopped.

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/biseriousjohn
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2013
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Too soon, bad taste, couldn't help myself (4th of July Dad Joke)

We're talking about that poor guy who passed on after accidentally lighting fireworks attached to his head on the 4th.

My wife: "I mean, what do you even say that guy's funeral?"

Me: "Well, at least he went out with a bang."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/camram07
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2015
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Dad joke from my law professor today

We were discussing Wong Sun v. U.s., and the defendants in that case included memorable names such as Johnny Yee, Hom Way, and Wong Son. After an inspired lecture, the professor concluded with

Professor: So let this be a lesson to you all, if you're in engaged in crime... you'll be putting yourself in Hom's Way

*commence class wide groan

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_Pizza_Puncher
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2014
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