The Deadlys Puns

The next day, the coroner too turned into a corpse.

Cause of death: the coroner virus.

Bond replied "I was shaken, not stirred..."

They called it poison IV

She will chose the fourth prince: he's the most hand-some.

He was a one-hilt wonder.

He's terminal ill

He has 7 charges of armed Strobbery

Hepatitis

When she found out, she had wrath written all over her face.

I mean, he did diameter away

I'm the bomb

Probably my favourite Smiths album

Luke warm.

A pair o’ docs

The woman on the other end of the line says "well okay, can you make sure he's dead?". Suddenly you hear a BANG "okay now what?"

It was a fruitless effort

It was a sewer-cide

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1500!" she cried, "$1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1500."

So that they don’t have to pay a living wage.

Imagine what a large could do.

"He was fun, cheerful and always wanted to be down to earth. He will be missed."

Shed really hid the fan.

One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.

Then breaking through the flurries, I saw the headlights of a plow truck in my rearview mirror. Thanking my lucky stars, I turned in and followed the truck, hopeful that it would lead me back somewhere I recognized.

I followed that truck for what felt like hours. He turned left, I'd turn left. He'd swing to the right, and I was right on his tail. After a while, I saw brake lights from the plow, followed by four-way flashers. The plow had stopped, and I saw the driver get out and approach my car. I rolled down the window to talk to him.

"Why are you following me, kid?" the plow driver asked.

"Well sir, my dad told me if I was ever lost in a snowstorm, I should wait for a plow truck and then follow it."

"Well," said the plow driver. "I just finished clearing the Target parking lot. Want to follow me over to Best Buy??"

Your kid in me

Just in case of a zombie apocalypse.

One's a seedy beast, the other's a bee deceased.

"Don't worry," he replies, "It's carrion."

He must have the Six Cents

Never had one talk back though.

I said a coffee machine. Most likely be dead tired.

I can’t believe I’ve been pronouncing it wrong all this time.

Edit: this joke was straight up stolen from professional comedian Nick Nemeroff. I heard it on the radio so I didn’t have his name handy and thought it was awesome for this sub and had to post it before I forgot it. Thanks to Nick for commenting here below so that I could give him credit.

Rip

A small medium at large.

The autopsy revealed he overdosed on quack.

They're free of charge

Two were from Germany, the third was Czechoslovakian. They were about two days into their hunting trip, having a good ol’ time when two bears come out of nowhere and devoured the three hunters.

Crime scene investigation was called in after a couple of hikers stumbled across the bloody campsite, and the detective came to the conclusion that the two Germans were eaten up by the female bear.

When asked how he knew, he pointed behind a tent where the second bear was sprawled out dead, with a foot sticking out, and he said, ‘well, if you do a dna test, you’ll find that the Czech is in the male.’

Thank you. I’m here all night.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout 'Stabbity stab-stab'. Now get moving."

The soldier thinks this is pretty ridiculous, but to his surprise, when he aims his stick at a fellow trainee across the field and shouts "Bangity bang-bang!" the other soldier goes down in a theatrical display. Then, another trainee tries to run past him, so he pokes the guy in the ribs and shouts "Stabbity stab-stab!" and he too goes down, pretending to be dead.

So, the soldier starts running through the mock-battlefield, shouting "Bangity bang-bang" and occasionally "Stabbity-stab-stab", until eventually he realizes he's the last man standing.

He's feeling pretty proud of himself until another soldier rounds a corner and starts walking toward him. Slowly. Stiffly. Menacingly.

The soldier takes aim with his stick and shouts, "Bangity-bang-bang!"

But the other soldier doesn't go down this time. He keeps approaching, arms stiff at his sides, boots stomping aggressively into the ground.

The soldier begins to sweat. He clears his throat, adjusts grip on his stick and hollers, "Bangity bang-bang!"

But nothing happens. The other soldier keeps marching toward him.

Now the soldier panics. He pretends to reload his stick and desperately cries out, "Bangity bang-bang! Bangity bang-bang! Stabbity stab-stab!"

But to his dismay, nothing works.

Finally, the other soldier reaches him, kicks him in the shin and knocks him onto the ground.

He stands over the fallen soldier and says:

"Tankity tank-tank."

the details are a little sketchy

All of them

I thought to myself “these should be free of charge”.

But she just cried all the time & now she won't let me open the freezer at home in case there's a "creepy dead old guy" in there.

then your curiosity killed the cat.

A happy medium

A man is driving in the desert when he hits a rabbit. The driver hops out of his car, and is distraught to find that it is dead. The driver looks in his glove compartment, and finds a can of hair spray. Unable to come up with a better idea, he sparys the rabbit with it. Immediatly, the rabbit hops up off the ground, waves at him, runs off a bit, waves again, and continues to repeat this. The driver, shocked, looks at the can of hair spray. The label says, "Hair spray, restores dead hair and adds permanent wave"

Remains to be seen.

I suppose you could say they were free of charge.

What's the difference between my dad and a slice of pizza?

A slice of pizza can't feed a family

Sheeesh. Like a rainbow dagger to my cold dead heart.

Luke warm.

Imagine what a Large could do!

Luke warm.

"Your kid in me."