My uncle used to work at a factory that recycled worn out whitewalls. One day, he fell into one of the processing machines...
My wife works with birds at the zoo. The other day I asked her about the lifespan of a falcon. She said they usually live for about 15 to 20 years.
"I guess that means all the Millennial Falcons are gone."
I saw Kate Middleton's sister leaving a plastic surgeon's office the other day, but I can't tell you what work she had done.
That would be a Pippa violation.
When I open the fridge after a long day at work only to find water, milk and juice, I start to feel like David Gilmour.
"How I wish... How I wish you were beer."
I was a Dad at work the other day
My coworker mentioned he needed to get a quote for 400 mice(Computer mice).
Coworker: "I need to get a quote for these mice."
Me: "I can give you a quote for those mice."
Coworker: "Yeah?"
Me: "Squeak Squeak."
Coworker: *Sigh*
I saw an interview with an out of work contortionist the other day
He’s struggling to make ends meet
What did the sound engineer say on his last day of work?
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
I work at the mall as Santa Claus during Christmas. I'm wearing the costume for most of the day, but sometimes my colleague takes my place while I take a break
I'm the main Claus and he's my subordinate Claus.
Why did the tiler want to work on his day off?
My brother-in-law, a clinical psychologist, says he is cutting back the days and hours of his work week.
In short his practice is shrinking.
I know people put mud on their faces for various benefits but I saw a sign the other day that said sewage treatment works
My friend saw I was upset the other day and he said "It could be worse. You could be an irrigated hole in the ground surrounded by brick work that people use to get water"
It didn't help, but I knew he meant well
I put up a scarecrow in my garden the other day and it works so perfectly...
I learned how to draw an isometric the other day, but it didn’t work out.
I tried coming at it from a different angle, but it looked really sketchy
A pirate is transported to modern day and stumbles upon a lumber mill while looking for work. When the pirate is asked if he knows how to use any of the tools...
Where did the steer sit after a long day of work?
Saw this fine pun at work the other day
A man is explaining to his coworker that he never realized how much his wife loved him until he was home sick from work the previous day
“Really?” the coworker asks. “What showed you she really loved you?”
“She was just really excited to have me around,” the man replied. “Like when the mailman and FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’”
A guy starts working at a submarine. In the first day he works as a cleaner, then helps at the kitchen. Next day he runs the ship. In the evening he’s absolutely exhausted so he asks his friend “Why I have to change my position every time?”
He replies “I know, this sub is full of reposts”
I work nights so I sleep during the day.
Walking to work one day, a woman asked me what was the quickest way to the hospital
So I pushed her under a bus
At work the other day my foreman said “you smell like old spice”
I instantly responded “I swear it was new when I bought it” this was the moment I knew my wife and I we’re ready to start trying.
The other dads in my Zoom meeting today may have been a bit jealous. I mentioned how my adolescent daughter has been so generous and nice during quarantine while I use the family computer for work, instead of her wasting time all day, watching YouTube. I have to say,
I'm glad to have the no-vid kind teen.
Did you hear about the politician who came home late at night after a hard day at work?
the other day I was looking up secret places to work out
thought it would be pretty crappy, but there are a fair amount of hidden gyms
My friend is such a slacker. He does his work and then loafs the rest of the day...
He's making good money being a baker tho...
At the end of the work day coworker sighs loudly and says: How did we get here?
Me: I don’t know about you, but I drove to work.
I take the stairs at work every day
I'm trying to take my fitness to the next level
Seen on my first day work ing at the post office.
I got a call at work the other day from a doctor at the hospital. He says "I have some bad news... It looks like your wife has been hit by a bus."
I said "But she has a great personality."
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. That is true love. The heart wants what the heart wants. ❤️
My wife walked into the house after a long day at work. She looked tired and stressed. I said, " Did anyone tell you, you look beautiful?"
She smiled and said "No"
I said "One day, One day"
I was about to play cards after a long day’s work, but I found the aces missing.
I just can’t deal with this any more.
This bald guy walked in to my work the other day JUST to say this:
Him: Is there any tattooists in town?
Me: Fairly sure there is one guy about 10 minutes out...?
Him: Oh good! 'Cause I want him to tattoo a rabbit on the top of my head.
Me: ..Why...?
Him: 'Cause then someone might mistake it for a hare!
He giggled his way out
Hitting the bar after a ruff day at work
My friend works at Goodwill and every day he writes on their white board. This is what he did the other day.
Why did the lonely man work on his days off?
I bought some numbing cream the other day but it didn't work at all.
I still cried at my grandmother's funeral
I've been getting the bus to work since I dislocated my thumb and today was my first day cycling again. I was a little nervous...
But thankfully it was just like riding a bike!
For two days in a row, I slipped on the frozen newspaper in front of my doorstep on my way out to work.
I seem to have fallen on hard Times.
The lift broke at work the other day
I had to take steps to resolve it
What did the bee-mother say when coming home from a hard day at work and all her family is disregarding the table rules?
Why do you beehive like this?
The other day at work somebody told me to relax...
I said, no. I always lax right the first time.
I procrastinated and now have to do all the work for my Middle English literature class in a couple days...
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
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