The Complete Stories Puns

So this is a true story, and maybe I’ll go to hell for telling it, but I expect I’ll meet the actual perpetrator there:

At baseball practice last night, a coach asked if I’d seen the rabbit — the dead one. What? He had me look by a fence where there wasn’t a dead bunny, but HALF of one: Literally (and eerily) just the bottom half, with the top completely missing. Still shuddering over this.

Properly disposed of it and was feeling unsettled, but sprung right back to true dad form when he jokingly accused me of harming the rabbit. I told him that he knew it couldn’t have been me — I’ve never been one to split hares

I immediately left my Office and tried explaining myself. Sure, on the Surface I do it often, but I think it Works. It's not just about Word play, either; my Outlook on life helps me Excel. She and I have such a great Team Foundation, I Azure you. I wanted to Exchange my thoughts with her, so we could work with OneDrive. I looked her right in the Windows of her soul, to Access the deepest parts of her heart, and told her I loved her. Completely on Edge, I awaited her answer...

PowerPoint of the story is: does anyone know of a good divorce lawyer?

So it's been almost 3 weeks since a lockdown was triggered in the UK and there have been quite a few knock on effects.. Some good and some bad which I want to share in this post.

Firstly one of my friends lost his job. He worked as a psychic.. Never saw it coming. Its been a difficult couple of weeks and he is now considering a complete career change...considering becoming a baker of all things.. But I suppose he really kneads the dough. I suggested he focus on photography, but nothing ever developed.

Another of my friends was also made redundant. He managed to get a Skype interview for a position in Tescos within a few days. The interviewer asked him: "what is your biggest weakness?", he replied "I don't know when to quit". The interviewer said "OK, your hired". He said "I quit".

Work has been busy for me but since I can't enjoy the things I usually do I have been looking for some new things to do around the house. It's been nice have the thyme to do more cooking. I randomly started a boat building business in my garage.. Sails have gone through the roof.

In an unsettling reversal of my teenage years I am now shouting at my parents for leaving the house. I suggested they take up scrabble to keep them occupied.. Turned out to be a bad idea from the word go.

It's been great hearing about how world pollution levels have been failling. I read the story about fish now being visible in the canals in Venice.. I hope that story isnt a load of pollocks! Cod, these were eely bad. Will stop carping on now!

Me: But you already own her home.

Let the comments complete this story lol.

So yesterday I found a toy car in the freezer that my 1 year old son had put there. In telling my wife the story I told her that I was disappointed that it was a car, since: if it was a shoe I could say it was cold feet, and if it was a phone he was trying to cold call someone.

My wife, completely deadpan, responds:

"He was looking for a cool ride"

This story happened, just shortly after my daughter was born, at work.

I had a coworker who hated puns. I had made a particular bad one, I completely forget what it was. Just an on the fly thing.

Suddenly my coworker stands up and the following exchange happens:

Him (loudly proclaiming): Puns are awful. They're terrible. Puns are the lowest form of comedy. Only the most infantile people laugh at puns. We need to have a pun jar... like a swear jar, but instead of swearing we put a quarter in it every time someone makes a pun.

Me: (after a short silence) That sounds like a GREAT idea.

Him (confused): No, it's like a swear jar but you put money into it when you swear.

Me: Yeah I understand that

Him: You'd be the hardest hit with that.

Me: Yeah, I understand that. Nevertheless it has my wholehearted support.

Him: (Now very VERY confused) Why would you support something that would hurt you more than anyone else?

Me: Because... we could totally call it the PUNishment jar.

There were three people who clearly heard this exchange. Each one busted out laughing so hard... one of them was pounding his fist into his desk. The look on this poor guy's face: priceless.

A Retiree's Last Trip to Sam's Club

Yesterday I was at Sam's Club, buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen , the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two handfuls every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care,because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Sam's Club won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

I apologize for this wall of text, I didn't know where I should cut out parts because they're all relevant to the story. Sorry again.

Hey TFR people! So for background, I work at a kiosk in a mall where I repair cracked phones and do other mind numbing work that I can now probably do in my sleep. I've been doing this job for a little over two years and can fix an iPhone, for example, in about 15 minutes. I apologize for the wall of text. Anyway, this story happened last night.

So, a family of three walk up (mother, father and daughter) but only the father spoke to me and this is where conversation starts. Note: When I was handed this girls phone she had a case with this image on it and was already about to laugh. Customer will be C and I of course will be Me.

C: How much does it cost to fix my daughters phone and can it be fixed?

Me: Oh it's very repairable, after tax and labor, it comes to $xxx.xx.

C: Do it

Fuck, he's one of these guys...

Me: Alright then, I just need a name and signature on this disclaimer we have.

At this point, I've taken their phone and am prepping to work on it.

C: Do I have to use my real name?

PAUSE Now, over the 2+ years I've worked here, I have never heard this question. So I was kind of taken by surprise by it. For a minute, I thought he was one of those paranoid people. PLAY

Me: Um.. Well I guess you don't have to. It's preferred since we can look you up in our system faster later.

C: Oh ok.

I turn back around and start to use my tools on the phone when customer guy throws me another curve ball question.

C: Can my daughter still play the piano when this is done?

I manage to turn and see him smirking a little and go back to his serious poker face so I pick up that he's joking.

Me: Well I would hope so. Slight laughter

C: Oh ok great! She's never even touched one before so it's good to hear her skill won't change in the slightest.

I'm on the verge of outright laughing at this point. I manage to hold it back and finish my repair. I snap her grumpy cat case back on, hand her phone back when she mentions the home button isn't working.

Oh that's an easy fix

Me: Ah, don't worry. Give me one second and I'll have that fixed.

C: One. Try it now "Insert girls name"

Me: Haha well I haven't done what I need to yet.

I pull out a giant clear bag half full of spare parts.

**

I say Middle Eastern cuz I honestly forget if he's Iraqi or Iranian. We were getting to know each other, and I asked him to tell me a fable from his country of origin. It went like this:

Ali: In (the town he grew up in), there is a tower. A very very tall tower, many stories high, with only stairs. And legend says that if you climb all the way to the very top...

(pause)

Me: What happens?

Ali: completely straight face You will get very dizzy.

That was it. I thought it was hilarious.

Some of her/our friends came along too. One friend had an exchange student from Mexico with them.

The girl I'm interested in's dad, and the exchange student meet and introduce themselves, then it goes...

Her dad: "So what part of Mexico are you from?"

Student: "My family and I live in Monterrey."

Dad: "Oh wonderful! And what kind of drugs does your family sell?"

-Awkward pause, his daughter appalled, face in palms, completely embarrassed-

Dad: "Hahahah, I'm just kidding, welcome aboard!"

This is pretty much how the whole day went on the river, joke after joke, story after story, and his daughter was completely embarrassed. So great.

I just remembered a story about my dad from when I was a kid and figured you guys would appreciate it.

We were on a vacation/road trip. My mom wanted to stop at some big flea market on our way out. My sister and I had never been to a flea market before. My dad knew we didn't know what to expect. When we arrived my dad told us to stand outside the car before we went in. He walked over to us and told us to lift our arms. He brought out some bug spray. He sprayed our arms and legs. My sister and I had no idea what was going on. He looked at us, completely serious, "for the fleas", he says. Never laughed or mentioned it again.