One of the best gifts I got for Christmas this year is a whiteboard for my office.
I got the wife a prosthetic leg for christmas
It wasn’t her main present, just a stocking filler
An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”
“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced!”she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”
She calls Ireland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way"
I can’t believe there are 364 days left until Christmas
And people have already got their decorations up.
My youngest daughter’s joke tonight: When listening to the radio together, I commented, “This is my favorite Christmas song.” She responds, “No it’s not! Your favorite Christmas song is…
Feliz NaviDAD! It’s got your name in it!”
What do you do with a Christmas tree after the holidays??
I got a box of dad jokes for Christmas, this was the first joke it shows:
Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me
It means a lot
Why was E the only letter to get a present for Christmas?
Because all of the others were not E.
I tried shipping a Bon Jovi album to my cousin for Christmas but it hasn’t been delivered
The tracking report keeps saying “oh, it’s halfway there”
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her new Christmas present teddy bear, when she asked, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?” In my best bear voice, I replied...
“No thanks, I’m stuffed!"
What's the best dinosaur to help with Christmas gifts?
My new Christmas jumper kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back to the shop
And exchanged it for a new one free of charge
The Knight before Christmas
What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit?
You know, this happens every year. I tell myself it’s the end of the Christmas season and not to get too emotional. The holiday season has to end sometime and we have a whole new year ahead. But still, when I take down the tree…
I can’t help but get a little sappy.
My wife said i needed to stop my addiction to eating christmas leftovers right out of the fridge...
But i just can't quit cold turkey
Went to get a Christmas sign at the store. They had an N, an O, and an E…
I am giving my son a broken drum for Christmas. I think it'll be the best gift ever.
This Christmas I discovered that I have the ability to know what’s wrapped in a present before anyone opens it.
My little niece got us all at our family Christmas dinner yesterday.
Her: will you remember me in two minutes?
Us: yes
Her: will you remember me in two days?
Us: yes
Her: will you remember me in two months?
Us: yes
Her: will you remember me in two years?
Us: YES!
Her: Knock, knock.
What’s the day before Christmas Eve called?
The Christmas ABC's
A guy walks into a bar and recites his Christmas ABCs. "ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ"
What did Scrooge say to the Goat of Christmas Past?
Why is Christmas just like another day at the office...
Because you do all the work and some fat guy in suit a gets all the credit!!
What did the sheep say on Christmas?
Today my kids told me they want a pony for Christmas.
I normally cook a turkey, but whatever makes them happy!
Getting your Christmas grammar right
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play.....
But he never made it as a wise man
Merry Christmas all, but I’m just livid right now. My uncle bought a couple hundred T-Rex figures to donate to a child outreach center in Toronto and ended up busted by customs driving into Canada.
Turns out they’re not too keen on small arms trafficking.
This is the first time we’re not going to Hawaii for Christmas because of COVID.
We normally don’t go because we can’t afford it.
I told my kids that we should give the next door neighbor a nice Christmas present.
That guy is always by our side.
My dad got an air fryer for Christmas. I asked him what the first thing he's going to cook with it will be.
He said "I'm dunno... I guess I'll fry up some air."
What's the weather going to be on Christmas Eve?
It's going to rain dear.
(I just thought of this... It is not a repost!).
My father is a huge fan of the movie Avatar, and ordered a Jake Sully costume as a gift to himself for Christmas. He spent a few hundred on it, and when it arrived, it looked absolutely nothing like the character
He was the fleeced na'vi dad.
Merry Xmas y'all
Christmas dinner, every year is the same
I am always running out of thyme
My kids are going to decorate the Christmas tree this year.
It's cheaper than tinsel and baubles.
Nick Cannon bought Mariah Carrey an undeveloped plot of land for Christmas one year. She didn't like it.
She told him "I don't want a lot for Christmas".
I went to Victorias Secret today to buy my wife some sexy underwear for Christmas
The shop assistant showed me a really nice set, I said “are they satin?” She said “no, they’re brand new”
What do you call a chili that's invasive?
On Christmas in the Soviet Union
On Christmas in the Soviet Union, it was a very misty day. Sometimes the mist would be so thick that it was almost like rain. In the town square a couple were having an argument on if this weather would be considered rain or not. To settle the dispute the husband said they should ask the Town Guard, Rudolf. His wife, not thinking Rudolf would be much help asks "Why him? What does he know about rain?"
To which the husband replies "Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear"
I always have eggs Benedict for Christmas brunch, so I'm spending Christmas this year in the Vatican.
There's no place like Rome for the hollandaise.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas...
She told me, “Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace".
So I got her nothing.
Sorry folks Christmas is cancelled. Santa is in the hospital
He threw the wrong sack over his shoulder
What do you call the lead deer pulling Santa’s sleigh on a rainy christmas eve?
What did the Ugly Sweater on the Christmas Tree say?
...
"I'm here ^fir the party. Let's ^spruce things up"
I got invited to the launch of Richard Branson’s new cruise ship on Christmas Day.
It’s going to be a Virgin berth.
What’s the best Christmas present?
A broken drum....
You can’t beat it.
A broken drum is the best gift this Christmas
(From the priest at the end of Christmas Mass) The best Christmas gift I ever got was a broken drum…
Because you just can’t beat it!
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