Pray-pal
It was a Toto failure. ๐คฆ๐ปโโ๏ธ
Holy smokes!
That's the year that Toto blessed the rains there.
Holy mackerel!
They blessed the brains down in Africa
To pastorize it
and then I realized vampires are killed by holy water...they blessed the rains down in Africa
I thought about this for awhile, then it hit me that Vampires are weak to holy water. The rains are blessed down in Africa.
Me: Why the hell is there a man upstairs?
Then I remembered-they bless the rains down in Africa.
A blessing in the skys (disguise)
He has Pope eyes.
A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says โGod bless Mummy and God Bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad.โ The father says, โGood bye Grandad? Why is that?โ The daughter says, โJust because I felt like it.โ The next day, Grandad drops dead. The father canโt believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughterโs prayers again. She says, โGod bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.โ The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, โJust because I felt like it.โ The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesnโt know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, โGod bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy.โ The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesnโt go home and stays there until midnight. Heโs very surprised. โIโve cheated death!โ he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, โWhere have you been?!โ and the husband says, โOh donโt ask me any questions, todayโs been miserable.โ The wife replies, โYour days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porchโฆโ
Blessed be the flute
...โI love youโ.
Oh, the timing, bless her comic soul.
He took the phone, and said, in the voice of Freddie Mercury, "Is this the wi-fi? Is this just fantasy?...Caught in a landline, we don't need AT&T.." and then passed the phone back. We already have AT&T, and I WAS ON THE PHONE WITH A FRIEND THAT DOES ACCOUNTING?, NOTHING TO DO WITH SOMEONE CALLING OUR HOUSE. No more Crockpot broccoli and cheese soup using weed butter for him. Good god... I'm almost impressed. We also haven't had a landline in years. God bless this small dog weilding, vaping man.
So this dad likes to listen to his daughter's prayers every time she does them. One night when he is standing by her door, he overhears her say "God bless mom, God bless dad, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa." The dad is thinking "Ok that was pretty weird, but whatever."
The next morning, he learns that the grandpa DIED. He remembers what his daughter said last night and thinks "Ok umm this could all just be a coincidence" and he thinks nothing of it.
A month later and the daughter is doing the prayers again. "God bless mom, God bless dad, and goodbye grandma."
Once again, the dad learns the next morning, that the grandma has died from a heart attack. Now he's a little freaked out and thinks "This definitely cannot be a coincidence now, but it still could be, so whatever."
A few weeks later, he hears from his daughter's room, again, "God bless mom, and goodbye dad." Now he is totally freaking out because he thinks he's gonna die today. He spends all day being really cautious so he, you know, doesn't die. At 12:00am, he thinks "Yes! I made it! I didn't die!"
Once he gets home from work, he goes over and he tells his wife, "Honey, I've had a really bad day today and-"
The wife cuts in and says, "Yea me too! The mailman died on our porch!"
~this is my first post so โฎ(โโฝโ)โญ ~
Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa.
There are many tales that have come from Viking lore but few are as lost as the tale of Bran Rudolph the Red.
It was said that he was blessed by God's with a keen ability to predict the weather. Due to this magical gift, he became a renowned seaman. Feared by his enemies, and respected by his bannermen. After years of successful raids and conquests, one of his shield maidens finally plucked up the courage and asked him how he does it.
"Bran, how do you always predict the weather? How have you always, managed to avoid every storm the sea throws at you". All his men laughed and looked up at their leader. Before he could respond, his right-hand man stood up and with a smile on his face and retorted, " It's simple. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
As a professional children's entertainer, finding the dad jokes thread has been a real blessing. I work mainly with children between the ages of four and eight, and, for obvious reasons, I need to keep my jokes clean. In my business, a groan is just as good as the laugh because it usually is accompanied by a smile!
I'm afraid I don't know who started it, but the "this paper says otherwise" is easily one of my favorites. I took the liberty of having 500 business cards that say "otherwise" on them. I use them in my performances in a variety of ways. If I see a dad after my show who looks like the type who might enjoy a good pun, I will go up to him and ask him if he thought the show was good. Inevitably he will say yes, and I'll tell him that "Unfortunately this card says otherwise." I then leave the dad with the card to use at his own behest.
Just wanted to give a big shout out and a big thank you to the Dad jokes community for inspiration. People ask me what I do for a living and I tell them I'm the Jimmy Fallon to five-year-olds. Thanks so much for contributing all you guys do!
Vampire's are killed by Holy water and the reason we never hear of vampires in Africa is because they bless the Rains down in Africa.
I was doing some research on vampires and I thought why they mostly come from Europe and not if Africa, then I remember that vampires are allergic to holy water and the bless the rains down in Africa. Your welcome
Hello everyone. Today, a 72-year-old man named Mike came into my office. Mike blessed me with many gifts, a sampling of which I would like to share with you all here.
First, Mike asked how I was. I said "good, how are you?" Mike: I had a dream last night I was a muffler. And when I woke up it scared me because I was exhausted.
Mike also has an ex wife. "My Ex wife was so ugly her mom made her go trick or treating by telephone so she didnโt scare the other children."
Not just one ex wife, Mike has two ex wives. "My ex wife was so ugly I used to take her to work with me so I didnโt have to kiss her goodbye"
Mike does a lot of work for various charities. "I asked the lady at a restaurant if I could post my flyer for an event in the window. She said 'that depends, are you a non-profit?' I said 'lady I've got two ex wives, I haven't had profit in 30 years!'"
Those darn ex wives. "Iโm so poor a pick pocket tried to rob me the other day and all he got was practice."
Mike actually came to my office to tell me about a basketball camp he's putting on next week. He's been playing basketball for 64 years. "I was a great athlete in high school. I was voted most valuable player by all the cheerleaders."
There was one girl though who got away. "There was a girl who lived down the street and I used to call her all the time and say 'Sarah, can I come over?' and she'd say no. So one day she called & said โMike, come over, nobody's home.โ So I went to her house and she was right, there wasnโt anybody there."
That girl may be why he didn't play baseball. "I played football, basketball and track. Someone asked me 'Mike, why didn't you play baseball?' I said 'because I was already so good at striking out!'"
Anyways, Mike went on to have a lengthy career in TV and radio, until he didn't. "I had to quit my job for medical reasons. My boss said I made her sick."
Thank you for your time.
"Bless all the deer children in thy tender care..."
Because I am dying of the flue and will not live much longer, I am now turning over to you this grate responsibility. As a symbol of my blessing, and to make the transfer complete, I therefore pass this mantel to you.
Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa
There are three classes of cheerios, the lower class (plain ol' cheerios), the middle class cheerios (frosted), and the elite class (honey nut). One soggy morning in Seattle, a plain cheerio awoke in his single room apartment. He looked out at the still sleepy city, blanketed in a mist of rain. He quickly got dressed and put his shoes on, this would be the day. He stood propped against the bus stop, smoking a cigarette. "God I have got to stop this habit." He thought to himself. Glancing back and forth at the bustle of cheerios, he saw her. She looked about 25, devastatingly gorgeous, and he could smell the honey from where he stood. "Excuse me ma'am," his voice quivered, "I - I think you might be the most beautiful cheerio I have ever seen." She smiled and her otherwise golden brown face grew red. " This is a long shot, but will you marry me?' She was obviously caught off guard by this, but her red lips formed the word, "Yes." They raced through the morning mist of the city, and arrived at her fathers house. The cheerio bent down in front of her father. "Sir, I would like to ask for your blessing in marrying your daughter" "No! You are a regular cheerio and my daughter needs a high quality honey nut" he snapped. "But sir." "No means no damnit!" "Sir this is very unrea-" "You come back a honey nut and you'll have my blessing, my daughter is not about to marry a low life like you." The cheerio sprinted home, tears streaming down his face. He fumbled against the lock and sprawled out on his bed. When he awoke it was early, his sheets had a dark silhouette from his wet jacket. He sat up and lit a cigarette. "Damn." he sighed to himself. Walking in front of his mirror, he noticed something different. His body was frosted! He had become a frosted cheerio! He darted out the door without shoes, reaching the honey nut household in no time at all. He banged on the door, and the beauty's father answered. "Sir I am a changed cheerio! I'm frosted!" he exclaimed. Her father had a stern look on his face. "You think you are any better? The dirt on my boots are worth more than you." he hissed. The old honey nut slammed the door on the young frosted. He heard the deadbolt click. The newly frosted cheerio didn't take the same way home. He stood on the edge of a bridge, feeling the cool autumn wind on his sugar coated skin. Was he really going to go through with this? Was it worth it? No he was a frosted cheerio now. He couldn't get the girl, but he was a changed cheerio. He
... keep reading on reddit โกSo I asked my Russian friend what the ั conjugation for ั ะพัะตัั is, to which he replied ั ะพัั which is pronounced like ho-choo and I then said "bless you."
The shoe shop was ecstatic to have him as one of their customers, they left him with this kind remark:
"God bless your sole!"
Background: My priest and cantor came to bless my house today. Afterwards, we were talking a bit and he made a pretty funny joke. I laughed and said "That's a pretty funny dad joke!"
His response: "That's Father Joke to you."
Cue the eye roll and forehead slap from the cantor.
For all of my life, my brain has played a soundtrack. At all times, in all places, I hear music going through my head, from the moment I awaken in the morning until I go to sleep at night. I can only shut it off by listening to other music, watching a movie, etc. but it soon starts up again once the outside source of stimulus is removed.
Yesterday I was travelling. When I visited the restroom prior to boarding my flight, the the music in my head suddenly switched tracks from "I've Been Everywhere Man" (that got really old after the first hour. Oy!) to "Africa" by Toto. "That's odd", I thought to myself, "the music in my head usually doesn't switch tracks unless something has changed around me." I finished my business, cleaned up, stood up, and turned around to flush.
Then I saw it. There, emblazoned on the porcelain, was the word "TOTO". The manufacturer of the toilet. "Nice job, brain, funny, hah-hah," I thought to myself.
The song in my head came to an abrupt halt. Silence, for just one moment. Blessed silence. Rare for me. Then I realized. My brain was giving me time to digest the previous joke. Waiting for me to think I'd arrived at the punch line. Pausing for a beat before it delivered the next one. "Africa" started over again, telling me exactly why the DJ deciding songs in my head had picked this exact moment, this exquisite situation, this exact set of circumstances to deliver the internal Dad Joke of the year:
"Doodoo doo-doo doodoo do dooooooooo...."
So one day, a guy fruit sees a pretty girl fruit and decides to try and date her. It goes very well for a whole year, when the guy fruit decides to propose. Before he does this he asks for blessings from the girl fruit's family. The father strictly insists that she not get married and clearly wont change his mind. But the guy fruit is in love, so he decides to marry her anyway. He proposes and says to her they can run away together, to which she responds: "I'm sorry, but i cant-elope."
So we say a blessing before the family eats dinner, and last night the wife brought home a stack of Hot and Ready pizzas from Little Caesar's. Since Jesus said, "Give to Caesar what belongs to Caesar, and to God what belongs to God" (Mark 12:17), I started the prayer: "Bless us, Caesar, for these your gifts, which we receive from your bounty..."
The wife was not amused. Got an eyeroll from the 13 year old tho!
I was feeding my baby a bottle and my wife goes "what are you doing?"
"I'm reading r/dadjokes on Reddit."
"Well I'm hungry."
It's like God smiled down on me while I was reading dad jokes to bless me with possibly the greatest one of all time in context.
TL;DR Wife: I'm hungry Me: (you know what I said)
It was a Toto failure.
I found out they blessed the rains down in Africa
Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.
They bless the rains down in Africa.
It's because they bless the rains down in Africa.
They blessed the rains in Africa!
