But I joke other places, too.
One, ein, un, bat, ekab, moja, wahed, odin, yski
Because it's the most punderful time of the year!
Link to calendar for those who want it: https://pdfhost.io/v/TQuSCzy.W_AdventCalendar2020pdf.pdf
It’s for a discord bot I’m going to put in a server full of people who could use some dad jokes
Hack the dad-a-base.
Father’s Day...
I’ll see myself out
Cousin: I really want a dog this year.
Wife: What kind do you want?
Cousin: I’m really wanting a poodle.
My Dad: Just wait until it rains. There will be plenty of “poudles” around.
Everyone else : 🙄
My family and I were in the car driving down the road the other day. My 5 year old asked for words that rhymed with blue.
“Well, there’s glue, two, moo, snoo, zoo, boo..”
My 8 year old chimes in, “Daddy, what’s snoo?”
My immediate response? “Not much, what’s new with you?”
My journey to the dark side has been complete.
Actual scenario:
Me-“I can’t find my phone.”
Him-“have you checked your butt? Because I hear it can store a bunch of crap.”
Because they are koala tea.
Why
Please note this contains sweari g but has the longest and best build up to a dad joke
Enjoy https://www.twitch.tv/videos/539694198
"Hey kiddo, I'm heading to the store for cigarettes, I'll be back in a minute."
When we were the best jokes our dads made all along
You'd be truly passing down your genes.
When they become "apparent"
________________________
Because we always go for the low-hanging fruit.
Obligatory formatting from cell phone sorry.
Series of events that unfolded.
Laying in bed with wife she rips the tag off her pillows and says
Wife: I’ve been meaning to do this “bye-bye”
Me: geez Nancy pelosi
Wife : points at pillow it’s pillowsi.
Thanks for making my dream come true.
They’re already dad inside...
This afternoon...
My wife: Our vacuum cleaner sucks.
Me: Prefect
In Wal-mart, looking for my girlfriend, and trying to practice my spanish
I look around and say "donde estan, donde estan, donde estan", kind of thinking about this song I heard years ago.
She goes, what does "donde estan mean?"
I say, well it sort of means "where are you, or where are they? I'm looking for your mom and your sister."
Her reply was "I donde estahnd what your saying"
My dad is really proud of this one. It's the only joke he's ever told that's been funny enough to make somebody laugh so hard that they spit out of their nose. It was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for this joke, so let me give you some context first:
He's been in a motorcycle accident (hit and run by an illegal immigrant), and had to have most of his vertebrae fused. They use titanium rods to hold your back from bending, so as you can imagine its kind of a major operation. His doctor prescribed a year (or longer if needed) of massage therapy, which he was thankful for. Twice a week he went in to a small clinic for a few hours at a time, and usually had the same masseuse. Let's call her Marge.
After four months of therapy they of course got to know each other very well. He was always faithful to my mother, but he was good friends with Marge. Their conversations range all the way from baseball to differentials, and everything stays platonic.
Here's where the story begins:
During a massage, they are having an energetic conversation, the time comes where he turns onto his back so that she can get to his knee ligaments (chainsawed his kneecap a few years prior, doc said may as well get there too). She goes at it like normal, and the conversation continues. Now here comes the part that made my dad wait to tell me this until recently: The "stimulation" in his knee for some reason, on that day out of all others, triggered a reflexive erection. There was nothing he could do to stop it.
The conversation goes quiet. Marge notices, but doesn't say a word. She remains professional. She continues working. My dad is more embarrassed than he's ever been. Several minutes of silence pass, and my dad cant take it anymore.
"Marge," he says, "I think we need to talk about the elephant in the room."
He raises his head to look down the table at her. He glances at it, then back to her. With a slight shake of his head he says:
"Wait nevermind, it's only his trunk"
I failed to read the womb
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fucking gold
Her friend had come along with us to the buffet and was eating something that I can't quite remember now, but she ends up asking "where is the duck sauce?" To which my mom, without even skipping a beat, blurted out the following words with not a single emotion on her face, "probably next to the quackers". I almost choked on my food I was laughing so hard. Love you mom
Because I always lose my shit over them.
Why.
