What did the log say to the ashes?

"You're fired."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SHeight06
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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Name woes... translation: imagine the difficulty when she is ashes what her name is by French people..
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slipstreme
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
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I went to Hell for burning a Bible and shooting up the ashes with a syringe.

I guess I shouldn't have taken the Lord's name in vein.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
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A man was found crying hysterically between the ashes of a burnt forest

He had lost a deer friend in the wildfire

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πŸ‘€︎ u/impostorbot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
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My friend burned a bible and injected the ashes into his arm

I think it was a mistake to take the Lord's name in vein

Credit: Cyanide and Happiness

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2018
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I just threw my father's ashes in the garbage...

I wish he'd stop smoking or empty the tray himself.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/snowmansni
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2018
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As the title suggests, this is how to successfully catch an elephant: First, you need to dig a hole in the ground that is capable of holding an elephant. Fill the hole with ashes. Line the hole with peas.

And when your elephant comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2017
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What do you call a bird which rises from the ashes but is unable to fly?

Joaquin Phoenix

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skarkroe
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2017
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Did you hear about the italian chef that died?

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. Theres nutelling what can happen next... His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I can only espress-so much grief, but lettuce romaine calm. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There's just not mushroom left for italian chefs in this world... Sending olive my prayers to his family. His wife is really upset, cheese still not over it... You never sausage a tragic thing. Its such a shame good people die fusilli reasons. It was a farfalle from grace... My condolences for Roberto, who died in the spaghetto. May he rest in yeastπŸ™πŸ»β€οΈ

Wow! Im so glad so many people laughed at this joke, I got so much happy feedback from everyone lol thank u sm for all the rewards and upvotes, my week couldnt get better!😁

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iLoveRaviolis
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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Today, the day after Ash Wednesday, my assistant discovered she actually enjoys making spreadsheets.

I told her that was excellent.

.

(This is a true story.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/craic_d
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
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I didn't want to observe the period from Ash Wednesday to Easter again, but did so to stop my girlfriend's constant nagging...

I re-Lent-ed

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
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You know what they say about picking the right species of Christmas Tree?

It's a huge Pine in the Ash

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TangerineX
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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I have a collection of urns to transfer my grandfather's ashes between them.

I figure he wouldn't want to be cooped up in one urn for long. While transferring his ashes, I broke his good urn. I am going to buy him another good urn. I guess its as the saying goes "one good urn deserves another".

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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I read an article about Eskimo hunting practices today

Their method for hunting polar bears was the most interesting. They would start a fire out on a deep snow bank, and essentially melt a hole in the snow. Once the hole was big enough they would stop feeding it firewood and let it burnout on its own. Once the fire had gone down and was nothing more than smoldering ashes with a little bit of smoke, they would line the edge of the fire pit with snow peas.

All they had to do from there is hide and wait. Once a bear caught scent of the smoke and starts to investigate, the bear would eventually start eating some of the peas. Then they sneak up behind it and kick it in the ash-hole.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
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How to catch an elephant. A story by my dad which got me a walk to the Principal's office in 2nd grade

Rolling back 40 yrs or so, here's the story I told to my 2nd grade class.

To catch an elephant, you first need to go to the jungle where elephants are found. Then you cut down all the trees in a big circle, and dig a hole out. Put the trees in the hole and burn them down to ashes. Carefully line the edge of the hole with peas.

And when an Elephant comes to take a Pea, you kick him in the Ash-Hole!

Everyone about died. Hell, even the teacher and principal were laughing about it. Dad was amused. Mom was not.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGoodLordsTaint
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2016
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Did you know you could have your ashes grown into a plant when you die

I'm going to have my ashes grown into an ash tree, with a grave stone that reads "he was dying to be grown this way" and in the back it will read "that pun was a grave mistake"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Benneb10
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2018
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My dad at my Grandmother's Funeral

My grandmother was cremated and we were having a service to pay our respects. I was scared and didn't want to go up to the altar alone so my dad went with me.

We stood there, side by side, and stared in reverent silence at the small simple wooden box which was holding my grandmother's ashes. After a minute or so passed my father bowed slightly, leaning in with what I assumed would be words of wisdom and said, "your grandmother was a lot smaller than I remember."

I had to fight just not to bust out laughing in a room full of mourners.

I was told to cross post this here from an askreddit thread yesterday

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2014
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Best yet

Me- have you ever heard of Slader.com

Husband-no

Me- it has the answers for almost every math book made, and it shows the work for the lazy people.

Husband- Well I guess they should call it Ashly Mathison

Me- ?????

Husband- ya know..cause they cheat!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jmasker143
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2019
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My annoying cousin dropped our grandma's urn

He's always been a pain in the ash

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πŸ‘€︎ u/J24cihpsd
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2019
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How to catch an elephant:

1 - Dig a huge hole, big enough for an elephant.

2 - Light a giant wood fire in the hole and let it burn out completely.

3 - Set peanuts out around the edge of the hole as bait.

4 - When an elephant starts eating the bait, quickly run up behind him and kick him in the ash hole!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SummonerSpell
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
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Wnat to know how to build an effective bear trap?

Go out in the woods and dig a large hole about 6 or 7 feet deep. Fill it with ashes and put peas around the outside of the it.

When a bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KarmaChameleon306
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
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Nihilist Dad Jokes

Why did the scarecrow win a prize? Because he stood alone in his field! He stood there for years, rotting, until he was forgotten.

I tell my kids, you’re allowed to watch the TV all you want… Just don’t turn it on! This way they will begin to understand the futility of all things.

How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. Like all animals, it is an automaton, driven by blind genetic imperative, marching slowly to oblivion.

Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating? They have no body to go with them! The skeletons are like us: alone, empty, dead already.

I don’t really like playing soccer. I just do it for kicks! Like all of humanity, I pretend to enjoy things, and others pretend to care about my charade.

You hear about the moon restaurant? Good food, no atmosphere! If you eat there, you forfeit your life, which would make no difference to the universe as a whole.

Why did the blonde focus on an orange juice container? It said concentrate! She realized that society’s depictions of her were like the juice: formulaic, insipid, fake.

My wife told me to put the cat out. I didn’t know it was on fire! By the time I could act, it was incinerated, a harbinger of the path we all must take.

How come the invisible man wasn’t offered a job? They just couldn’t see him doing it! This man stands for all of us: unseen, misunderstood, irrelevant.

Today I gave away my old batteries… Free of charge! No one wanted them, so I became angry and threw them in the yard. The battery acid now leaks into the soil, killing a colony of ants. A sparrow eats their bodies and is poisoned. Somewhere in the Serengeti, a lion devours his rival’s cubs. Then the lion is shot by a poacher and sold to an unloved rich man whose father was an unloved rich man. In five billion years, the Sun will become a bloated giant, boiling the oceans and consuming our pointless cruelties with flames. I wake sweat-drenched and screaming, staring at the visage of a faceless god. β€œWHAT HAVE I DONE?! HOW COULD I BRING A CHILD INTO THIS WORLD!?” But this god, like all gods, is nothingβ€”just my son’s Wilson baseball mitt, sitting on my dresser, mocking me.

Will February March? No, but April May! Soon we become ash, and time forgets us.

Source: https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/nihilist-dad-jokes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vorschlaghammer
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
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TIL the reason santa supposedly enters through the chimney is because that's traditionally how you were supposed to bring the christmas tree inside.

They decided to change it though because it was a pine in the ash

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gormtex
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2018
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[x-post /r/Jokes] [OC] An old blacksmith was working in his shop...

when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work.

One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overheard her father talking to her mother about how her grandfather was slowly slipping away into depression and hopelessness and she wanted to help. To the old man's surprise, she had brought him a puppy. "I thought that since you're always here all by yourself that you might want someone you keep you company," the granddaughter said. The old man's eyes welled up with tears and the little puppy instantly jumped into his arms and began licking the tears from his face. The old man and his granddaughter spent the next several hours sitting on the floor of his house watching the puppy chase around a rubber ball, bouncing, jumping, panting, and licking. In that short time, the old man had made complete turnaround from being sad, lonely, and hopeless, to smiling from ear to ear, full of joy with his new-found companion. As the hours grew late and the puppy grew tired, the granddaughter said "Well Opa, I'm glad you like your puppy, but it's late and I should be heading home. By the way, what are you going to call him?" "Life," said the old man, "because he has given me a new meaning and joy to mine." The granddaughter kissed her grandfather on the cheek, wished him goodnight, and she left.

Many years passed and all the while, the old man and his little dog were inseparable. Everywhere the old man went, Life was always with him whether it was the post office, the grocery store, and even when the old man went to the barber shop, the little dog would sit patiently until the last hair on

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyOtherAccount_3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2016
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She needed to prepare for trouble, make that double!

Today a student of mine was wearing a Pikachu onesie for pajama day at work (a junior in h.s.).our conversation went like this. If she wasn't in anime club with me I would have left her alone.

Me: did your wear that so guys would want to take a peek-at-chu?

Student : Mrs. Acinomismonica, please stop

Me: why? You scared they won't choose you?

Student : I'm going to stop talking to you now

Me: don't be such an Ash

Student : Mrs. Acinomismonica, you need to stop!

Me: c'mon student, you gotta Ketchum to my jokes

Enter the rest of my class groaning, it was a good day. Good thing I stopped before they threw Brocks at me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/acinomismonica
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2016
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There were these two trees that lived in the middle of a meadow, all by themselves, one, a birch, the other, a beech...

Having nothing much else to do to pass the time, they engaged in frequent conversation with each other about whatever tickled their fancy.

Well, one year, a sapling took root between the two trees and having not much else to talk about, they argued about the sapling for years.

"It's a son of a beech," the beech would say.

"No, it's a son of a birch," the birch would say.

And back and forth they would go.

Well one year, when the sapling was starting to get big and tall, a woodpecker happened to fly along and land on the beech.

The beech, seeing an opportunity to settle this argument once and for all, said, "Hey, woodpecker. I need a favor. I want you to fly over to that young tree there, and tell me whether that tree is a son of a beech or the son of a birch."

Well, the woodpecker not having much else to do said, "Sure thing!" and flew over to the young tree and gave it six good taps.

-tap tap tap-

-tap tap tap-

And flew back.

"Well?" the birch said.

"Well?" the beech said.

"Is it a son of a beech, or the son of a birch?"

The woodpecker said, "Neither."

"Neither!?"

"That, my friends," the woodpecker said, "is the best piece of ash I've ever put my pecker in."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2017
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My dad’s version of β€œThe Night Before Christmas”

A Christmas Poem
by Dad (1952–2009)

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the shack,
Not a creature was stirring, we was all in the sack;

Our mugs were placed on the mantle with cheer,
In hope that Saint Nick would bring us a beer;

And me I was tucked up all snug in my bed,
But strains of sweet music still danced through my head;

So I sprang from my bed with a crash and a clatter,
And off down the hall with bare feet did I patter;

There on the chair sat my musical pipe,
So I sat down to play without fanfare or hype;

Come Mozart, come Hayden, Stravinski and Strauss,
And write me some music to bring down the house;

When down from the chimney appeared with a crash,
A strange little man in the smoke and the ash;

He wiggled and jumped and got up like a shot,
Came over and said, "Man those cinders are hot!";

His stomach it shook like a bowl full of jelly,
For a moment I thought it was dear old aunt Nelly;

His nose like a cherry, his ears like two jugs,
I was worried that this guy just might be on drugs;

His language was foul, his jokes they were crass,
So I opened the door and threw him out on his ass;

But then as I turned, boy was I ever surprised;
I saw what he'd bought me, or so I surmised;

For there in the corner right under the tree,
Was some brand new sheet music and a case of O.V.;

I turned to say thank-you but found he had gone,
He was not in the garden and not on the lawn;

And just when I thought that he couldn't get far,
I realized the old goat had stolen the car;

Off in the distance he said with a wheeze,
"I hated to do it but you left me the keys!";

I smiled and laughed for this much I could savour,
For I'd just sold the car to my idiot neighbour;

And once more he called as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and don't drive when you're tight!"

Thank you for everything, Dad. We love and miss you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CannonBall7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2016
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The man who invented Fairy Bread died last week.

Hundreds and Thousands attended the funeral.

His ashes were Sprinkled.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spartan17492
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2017
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I was installing a window and it fell into the incinerator.

It was a pane in the ash to retrieve.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/N-Slash
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2013
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I just realized my Grandpa was a very dedicated dad joker.

I spent most of my life thinking my uncle was named "Ash" (totally not Ash, but it works for explaining this). Turns out "Ash" was a nickname to describe his hair. His real name was French (totally his actual name, and more common that you'd think). This was because my grandpa liked hearing my uncle say "my name is French," and see the look of confusion of people's faces. My Grandpa was a troll. Rest in peace, you crazy old man.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sheepinblack
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2017
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Did you know there's an unreleased episode of Pokemon where the main character turned evil?

He was quite the bad Ash.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Magma151
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2017
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My Dad's all time favorite joke

I've honestly heard him tell this over 100 times by now. My Dad always provokes people to ask him how to catch a bear and when he finally gets someone to ask he replies with "You dig a hole and fill it with ashes. Then put peas all around the hole. Then when the bear goes to take a pea you kick him in the ash-hole" (It sounds better when you say it out loud)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/danrom9431
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2013
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how do u catch an elephant?

Get a shovel, a bucket of ashes and a pea. Dig a pit and cover the top with the ashes. Place the pea in the middle. Wait.

When the elephant goes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xstreamly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2016
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Learned this from my dad: How do you catch a tiger?

There are a number of ways to catch a tiger, but following these simple steps will guarantee success:

  1. Dig a huge hole in the middle of the forest.
  2. Fill the hole half way up with ashes.
  3. Take some frozen peas, and put them all around the edge of the hole.
  4. Wait.
  5. When the tiger comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2013
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Spider at a campfire

While sitting around the campfire on a cool early morning in the Appalachians, I notice a spider web on the campfire ring and point out how much ash it's covered in. My father then proceeds to say, "well it makes sense you know...cause the web comes from his ash." He never disappoints

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chester_McFee
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2016
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Dad Joked in Dragon Age

My character and his companions are walking around a dwarven ruin when a conversation occurs between two of them that goes something like this:

"You hadn't written me since the day that explosion happened! If you had died in that I would've come and dug up your corpse just to kick your ass."

The NPC in question says "what would you have done if I had been cremated?"

"I would have kicked your ash"

No groans from the other NPCs occurred but mine was certainly audible from my room.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cooley327
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2015
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Either nobody heard it or they refused to acknowledge it...

While trying to identify a tree in the yard, somebody asked, "Is that an ash tree?" I said, "If you burn it."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wonderbrett
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2014
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My friend once burned a bible then injected the ashes into his arm

He took the Lord's name in vein.

Credit: Cyanide and Happiness

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2018
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How to catch a bear

First, dig a large hole and fill it with ashes.

Next, line the hole with green peas.

Then when the bear takes a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shartacuss
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
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How do you catch an elephant?

You dig a really big hole and fill it with ashes. You line up peas around the edge. When an elephant comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CASchryver
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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How do you catch an elephant?

Dig a hole, fill it with ashes, and bait it with peas. When the elephant goes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole.

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skiingineer2
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2014
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