Did you hear about the no-armed man who entered the masturbation contest?

Poor guy didn’t come anywhere.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChuckBerry2020
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2021
🚨︎ report
My dad saw an ad for game with heavily armed animals. He asked me what they gave the naked mole rats.

I told him stealth gear and a go bag. He is an exposed double agent.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chiefmudbear
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Where did the one armed man go

To the second hand shop

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TabbyReddit07
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Are the guards at the Paralympics armed?

Or is that considered cheating?

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YolkyBoii
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I was tried for armed robbery, but the case was overturned on a technicality.

My father always said I lack conviction.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the best armed country in the world?

Armenia

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/invisible_being
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
🚨︎ report
How do one armed people go about the it daily routines?

Single handedly!!!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GamingGod07770
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a depot where the armed forces store their camouflage?

A wherehouse.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaggington
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Who is the healthiest person in the Armed Forces?

General Well-being.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2018
🚨︎ report
Have you heard about the one-armed bandit? ...

He has already robbed five banks single-handedly.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dadjokesig
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the driver with the cockney accent tell the one armed, three headed hitchhiker?

'Allo, 'allo, 'allo! You seem 'armless enough. 'Op in!

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cheersfolks
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2018
🚨︎ report
I heard they don't allow confectioners in the armed services anymore...

...too many desserters.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mountainmountain
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2017
🚨︎ report
Watched the news the other day about an armed robbery...

...of course it was armed. Kind of hard to rob a place with no arms.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MacaroniNJesus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2016
🚨︎ report
Whats the best way to survive an attack of armed clowns.

Go for the juggler.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/n0th1ng_r3al
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2016
🚨︎ report
Why are they called the armed forces?

Because it's hard to fight a war with just your legs.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRtHonLaqueesha
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2017
🚨︎ report
Why do the Norwegian Armed Forces have bar-codes on the sides of their ships?

So when they get back home, they can Scandinavian.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joelsopp
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2017
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the one armed man who went fishing?

Told me he caught a fish thhhhiiiiisss big (Whilst holding up one hand)

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/grandtidal
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2013
🚨︎ report
My wife laughed, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math!" I shrugged and said, "You never know! Anybody can win the lottery." Folding her arms, she asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?" I shot back, "Yes!! 100%!!"

"A person always wins!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
🚨︎ report
My brother broke his arm at the aquarium

We had to fetch a sturgeon.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CarbineCraig
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in the ocean??

Bob.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JEMstone85
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
🚨︎ report
The right to bear arms
πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-Z-3-R-0-
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Have you heard the one about your arm bone?

It’s very Humerus.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TreeBeeTurkey014
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
🚨︎ report
I mean a deaf person with one arm the other day...

The conversation was pretty one-sided.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kurik-P-DuBs
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
🚨︎ report
It's the little things that count (also a T-rex's arms)

https://www.instagram.com/standup.trex/

https://preview.redd.it/9449vyyyj4f61.png?width=620&format=png&auto=webp&s=4f5d46a86d95447af0958da58a8583a00398e36f

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mondalengo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Watching the Superbowl and they mentioned Brady has a good arm.

Bet he could really throw a Tom ato

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theoldraven
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy that walked into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm?

He asked the bartender for a beer, and one for the road.

πŸ‘︎ 75
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
So I’m at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still don’t know because he hasn’t opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...

And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me

β€˜Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’

πŸ‘»πŸ‘»πŸ’€πŸ’€β˜ οΈβ˜ οΈ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.

I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/themeatspin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call 2 guys with no arms and no legs standing in the windowsill?

...Curt & Rod

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/purcy_77
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did sally fall off the swing? She had no arms.

Knock Knock "who's there" Not Sally

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fabulos4
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark?

"Do not consume if seal is broken."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/djkress
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I meet guy with a deer on the end of each arm.

He was bambidextrous

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pigonstilts
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the doctor because my arm hurt. He took an Xray and told me I have a humerus fracture.

Personally, I didn't find it funny at all.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrendelBlackedOut
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
We are doing a jigsaw puzzle of the human anatomy, and I hid the upper arm.

Nobody else finds this humerus.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearnakedrabies
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Wife after the gym: "Ugh I can't feel my arms"

reaches out and touches her arm "Oh that's ok, I'll feel them for you!"

Anyways I'm divorced now.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeachPeachMcgee
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the doctor and I told him I broke my arm in two places.

He said stop going to those places

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tomthebomb9999
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What is a guy with no arms, no legs, to the wall?

Art.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/littenbittentreb
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
My rooster is an artist. He draws on plates and I add arms and numbers, but for the life of me I can’t tell if he’s drawing snakes, mountains, teepee’s, etc., so I finally asked him and he said:

Clock’s a doodled doo.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StretchSmiley
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you guys hear about the guy in that horrible car accident? Lost his left leg and left arm

Don’t worry, he’s all right now.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/King-Calovich11
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the middle of the sea?

Bob

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/m4cl3nn4n
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I broke my upper arm falling down the stairs.

It's quite humerus if you think about it.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Travisv36
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?

He's finding it hard to deal with.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the clock not worried after getting an arm amputation?

Because it had a second hand.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lord_Aarsh
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't you give credit to elbow for bending the arm?

Because it's a Joint effort

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dadushka008
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Another no-arms, no-legs joke to add to the database...

French woman with Covid?

La Wheez.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
So I heard the guy who wrote the hokey pokey died recently...

Nice funeral and all, but they had a horrible time getting him in the casket. You know when they tried to put the right arm in....

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mindful_dodger
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I got in a bad accident and the doctors had to remove my left leg and arm

At that moment I realized I had nothing left to lose

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/my-pp-el-fuego
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
When you see a person person at the bus stop with no arms and legs don’t start a conversation with...

β€œHi, how are you getting on?”

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I have three different levels of tan on me. One level is my arms and legs from wearing a shirt and shorts. The next level is from not wearing a shirt at the beach. And the last is under my shorts.

I’m neapoliTAN!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Bored-biker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know the Apollo 11 astronauts arm wrestled to decide who would be the first man on the moon?

Neil won.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jazzysax241
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
The weatherman for our local TV channel broke both his arms and his legs in a car accident.

He is calling in from the hospital with his four casts.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Everyone tells me I have the right to bear arms...

But I don’t want to fight a bear for his arms.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jackbal1203
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and asks the barman....

β€œCan I have a drink for me and one for the road”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KoronaSenpai
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I happily hummed as I attached the final arm to my dead girlfriends torso...

I made Mary!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Check out the battle scar on my arm. Made from scratch.
πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gradymegalania
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
🚨︎ report
My brother broke his arm at the aquarium

We had to fetch a sturgeon.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CarbineCraig
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call A bloke with no arms or legs floating in the sea?

Bob

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anon_777
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
🚨︎ report
An arm told a joke to the other arm

The other arm found it very humerus

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sprinbok-Gaming
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and left leg in an accident?

He’s all right now

πŸ‘︎ 317
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AbysmalVixen
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did Sally fall off the swing. She had no arms. Knock knock who's there

Not Sally

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tjeters
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
🚨︎ report

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