The Alteration Puns

He said "so, so..."

called Seams Legit.

He sure has his work cut out for him.

The scientific experiments altered his jeans

At the alter the priest said... You cantaloupe.

It was one of those rare days at college where my friend Gerald and I had gotten out of class and we had nothing to do.

We decided to hop on a college tour just for fun and see what happens. I attempted to ask questions that would help the tour, but Gerald was asking very weird obvious joke questions.

We get to the chapel and Gerald asks “yeah, does this chapel have the necessary alter I need to make my many sacrifices?”

And then this dad next to me, living his daddest life, without missing a beat, turns to me and says: “The tuition is the sacrifice, am I right?”

Situation: My wife was having a conversation about the Oscars, and Pharrell Williams was mentioned.....

Dad: So, is that Will Ferrel's alter-ego?

Made an account just to share this. My dad is paraplegic--he broke his neck at a college wrestling tournament when he was 19. There's a story my mom always tells about him that just sums up how he can be so lighthearted even in the darkest of circumstances.

During his long stay at the hospital immediately after his injury, a nurse checks in on him, making sure his condition hasn't gotten any worse.

She asks, "Can you hear okay?"

He says, totally deadpan, "No, I can see fine."

Even then, lying in a hospital bed after a life-altering injury, my dad couldn't give up an opportunity to make someone laugh.

My wife asked me why I needed to go get a new suit, for a wedding next weekend, tonight instead of next week.

I told her that if I bought it next week, I'd be "cutting it close" with getting the alterations done in time.

We are at a wedding, the bride and groom have yet to walk down the alter when I look at my father...

Me: "Crap. How much time do I have to go to the bathroom?"

Dad: "Pee now or forever hold your piss."

All veteran fathers rapidly blew air from their noses.

My girlfriend is having her bridesmaid dress altered, but they pushed back the finish date. The wedding is next week.

I looked at her and said, "That's cutting it close."

It hit so hard that she might be pregnant (I'm not a dad).

I had Mr. B for a media class in which we worked on computers. We were working in Photoshop and text design specifically. Well, as everyone knows, you can alter the orientation of text. I was young and dumb, I said aloud that my text was 'bi-curious.' Mr. B came up to me and said

"Do you mean you're bi-textual?"

He quickly apologized.

1. You will need a few small pieces of paper or 'cards'. Write down a short sentence on each piece starting with a large font and slowly decreasing it as you go. The last piece should have "I can't see" and all of them should be legible from a short distance. Print if you must!
2. Find a victim friend/child and tell them you have read about an eye test on the internet that you can do at home which will provide an estimate to your eyesight and that you wish to try it on them.
3. Chances are they will agree. If they're embarrassed their eyesight is bad or similar convince them it doesn't matter. If they are wearing glasses you can ask them to take them off to make your story seem more authentic. Stand a bit away from target (the distance you stand from said person should be enough so they can read all your cards so alter according to their eyesight)
4. Slowly reveal each card and ask your subject to read them out aloud.
5. When you reach your final card and they read it out, if they don't suspect anything/get the joke move the card closer and closer until they finally understand.Remember a joke is funnier if you don't tell them, so give them some time to think about what happened! Actions such as slapping your leg, laughing wildly or bashing your fist on the table can help them understand. This is not an actual eyesight test! and use this prank appropriately.