Warned my son about the dangers of drugs today. Told him a story about a girl I knew who went crazy from doing mushrooms all the time. Surprised, he asked, "Really?" I replied, "Yes, absolutely true."
"She became a little spore addict."
True story... A few years ago I was spending time with my parents and nephew. There's a pie in the oven and my nephew had an unfinished apple on the table. My nephew said he wanted some pie, but my dad commented on the half-eaten apple on the table.
I told my dad, "I think he just lost his appletite."
My father is a huge fan of the movie Avatar, and ordered a Jake Sully costume as a gift to himself for Christmas. He spent a few hundred on it, and when it arrived, it looked absolutely nothing like the character
He was the fleeced na'vi dad.
Merry Xmas y'all
So I just found out that Chad Kroeger from Nickelback, loves to taking part in Nativity plays. He’s been a shepherd, the inn keeper and one year, he even played the rear end of the donkey...
But he never made it as a wise man
The other day I had a really hard time deciding what to order at the Indian restaurant.
I was feeling naan-committal.
True story: my 1 year old son kicked his shoe off and it fell out of the car and a friend asked why I didn't pick it up,
I told him I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Took a good like 3 seconds before they realized it. It was amazing!
Do you know what's the hardest part of learning to ride a bike?
It’s been a few years now since the tragic fire that burned down part of the Cathedral of Norte Dame...
Authorities still haven’t determined how the fire started,but they say one of the residents of the Cathedral has a hunch.
What do you call a trade organization made up of religiously devout workers who manufacture the bottom parts of shoes?
A Blessid Union of Soles.
I went to the hippie bookstore to see Noam Chomsky give a lecture on linguistics. I was excited, so i showed up a bit early. When i arrived, there was already a jar of fresh herbs in line ahead of me. I guess it’s true what they say.
Thyme waits for Noam, man.
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years, but they're having a really hard time...
...putting their case together.
Has covid forced you to wear a mask and glasses at the same time?
If so, you may be entitled to condensation.
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
What’s the worst part of a baseball game in Warsaw?
You are always behind a Pole.
I was drinking a light beer when I suddenly got the urge to try a Blue Ribbon beer. I had the worst hangover... this is the 2nd time I've done this with the same result! The saying is true...
Those who cannot remember the Pabst are doomed to repeat it.
A lorry carrying Nissan parts has crashed above junction 12 of the M25.
It’s raining Datsun cogs.
At any given time, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away...
A whim away, a whim away.
The true origin of web developers
What is a dog's favorite part of the tree? (two-part joke)
The bark.
Do you know why?
It's ruff.
What’s the difference between an Indian restaurant and a Vietnamese restaurant?
Indian places are naan profit, Vietnamese places are pho profit.
A group of linguists discussed what the word for the time between dawn and dusk should be
After a long, difficult discussion they decided to call it a day.
Whats the hardest part of 15 days to flatten the curve?
I was surprised when the getaway driver was a head of broccoli, but I didn't have time to argue. I just shrugged and said
True story: I was a kid, watching TV in our living room. My dad was outside using the grill. All of a sudden he bursts in the door hopping on one foot yelling “I stepped on a Bee!”
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
True story, I was at a work function where lunch was served. A co worker came over with a plate and his tie had somehow ended up in the plate.
I thought I was hilarious when I asked “I didn’t know they were serving Thai (tie) food.
Nobody got it, wtf was it that obscure a reference?
What's the most important part of a joke about ISIS?
An Indian grocery store started a blockchain business where tokens can be redeemed for flatbreads, chocolate, or dog food.
They're Naan-Fudge-Kibble Tokens.
After a long time, i told my hot co-worker how i felt. She felt the same way...
So i turned on the air conditioner....
My co workers can’t stand working with me at the sperm bank because every time a new customer walks in I can’t help but say
What country is the true leaders of ‘Tomorrow’?
The country with the most PROCRASTINATORS
The absolute pinnacle of humor 🧐
What's an astronaut's favorite part of a computer?
After you die, the last part of your body to stop working are your pupils because...
I just learnt that Time Magazine’s 1938 ‘Man of the Year’ was Adolf Hitler
Damn, I did Nazi that one coming.
Bittersweet moment for me that this is my first dad joke ever but it’s on this topic!
My husband started arguing about which Indian bread was the most suitable for the meal.
I told him it was a naan-issue.
Due to this sub's unending debate about what equals a "Dad Joke", I have my own measure for whether or not to upvote/award... It must be more than some lame, unimaginative, "heard it 1000 times" pun. I just reviewed whether the top 10 jokes off all time from this sub meet this standard, and sadly...
Did you hear that Matthew McConaughey works part time as a Court Room Bailiff?
When the Judge enters the court room, he says ….. All Rise, All Rise, All Rise!
What is the most important part of a Daylight Saving Time bill?
It has just been announced that Big Bird will no longer be a part of Sesame Street after a Twitter scandal
He’s been ostrich-ized by the community.
I should be a part-time philosopher
I'll only work on days that end in "why"
The most important part of a mail pun, is the delivery.
Me seeing someone watching a fashion show: Those look absolutely terrible.
"Well they aren't meant to be worn as every day clothes. It's high fashion."
"Oh. So you have to be high to wear it."
*facepalm and cringe*
*Walk away in triumph.*
In a surprising announcement the government has stated with all the issues recently instead of going forward in time we will go back 2 years...
What is a dog's favorite part of a tree?
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