Got my whole family today, told them all I thought it was super cool that our boyβs bike is solar poweredβ¦
βWhat do you mean?β
βItβs powered by the son!β
π︎ 49
π
︎ Oct 23 2022
I have taken all of the criticism of Dad Jokes to heart. No jokes that a toddler would not get, nothing too long, nothing that has any sort of NSFW or vulgarity, etc., etc., etc.. I have come to a conclusion, the only allowable joke is:
Hi "username", my name is Dad.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Sep 27 2022
Why is it wrong that all the famous soft cheese comes from France?
It would be far more logical if it all came from Great Brie-tain!
π︎ 10
π
︎ Oct 07 2022
All houses should have a space that is worse compared to the rest
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 04 2022
There's a presumption that rural industry isn't organized like office business culture. But this is simply not true. After all...
Q: What do you call a couple of guys that make their living herding cattle?
A: Cow-owners.
Q: What do you call it when a bunch of farmhands get together to collect wool from the sheep?
A: A shear-holders meeting.
Q: After the ranchers have done their job, what do you call the butchers who process the product to market?
A: Steak-holders.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Sep 15 2022
We all have that friend who does anything he is asked to do.
Not surprisingly, his name is Matt.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 08 2022
What do you call a Mexican dish of meat, beans, lettuce, tomatoes, and cheese that is served on a flat corn tortilla and is not cooked all the way?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Sep 04 2022
A bivalve mollusc quietly overlooks the bay, upon its perch atop the waves. All is serene, all is well. Until, that is, the mollusc sees angry, thunderous clouds broiling in the horizon. The mollusc stands resolute as the squall approaches.
It was the clam before the storm.
π︎ 24
π
︎ Jun 16 2022
"How is that kid that swallowed all those coins doing?"
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jul 22 2022
After all the crap that has passed between them it is amazing they are still together
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 03 2022
I have a very strong belief that Boston is one of the greatest bands of all time.
One would say, in fact, it is more than a feeling.
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 11 2022
Why is it that all of the instruments seeking intelligent life in the universe are pointed away from Earth?
To avoid false positives.
π︎ 10
π
︎ May 22 2022
My wife left me for another guy. Now all that lies ahead is misery and despair.
I feel really bad for him.
π︎ 798
π
︎ Oct 13 2021
We all know that chicken is made by roasting it, fried chicken is made by frying it, and that grilled chicken is made by grilling it...
So with all of that in mind, how the hell do they make jerk chicken?!?!
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 30 2022
My wife is complaining that I sit on my couch all weekend and do nothing.
Iβm not going to stand for it.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Apr 09 2022
All your responses must be oral, is that understood?
Yes.
Which school did you go to?
Oral.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 03 2022
Scientists have discovered a new strain of head lice that is resistant to all traditional treatments
This has left everyone scratching their heads!
π︎ 409
π
︎ Aug 07 2021
A little know fact is that J.S. Bach had a lot of grandchildren and they all loved American football...
Of course, they were all a quarter bach....
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 28 2021
We survived 2020, only to find out in the end that 2021. And if that doesnβt beat all, it turns out next year is β¦..
2022
Disclaimer: reconstructed joke
π︎ 9
π
︎ Dec 11 2021
What is it about all the Psychics that I ever visit.. they're either totally depressed, or too excitable.
It's really hard to find a happy Medium..
π︎ 172
π
︎ Jun 20 2021
One thing about being promoted in the military is that all of a sudden thereβs nowhere to parkβ¦
It was nice when I was new, thereβs private parking everywhere.
π︎ 25
π
︎ Aug 07 2021
At SeaWorld, there is apparently a single brush that they would use to clean all of the dolphins.
It was a multi-porpoise tool.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Nov 10 2021
To that guy all I have to say is Yo-da Man!
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Sep 25 2019
Today I insisted that my son had a hole in his shoe. He didn't believe me and kept looking and looking, took it off and inspect it. He yelled "There is no hole in there at all!"
So I yelled back "Then how did your foot get in there!"
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Jun 24 2018
Ever have one of those days where everything is going great, and a nice, warm bowl of soup would just be wonderfulβ¦ but then you find out that there just arenβt ANY crackers to be found? Not in the cupboard, not in the pantry, nowhere at all?
Definitely one of those days where youβre cracker-lacking!
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jul 26 2021
Did you hear about the German bread that is not good at all?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jul 09 2021
A little know story about Mozart is that in 1785 he killed all of his chickens.
When he asked who the best composer was, they kept replying βBach, Bach, Bachβ
π︎ 49
π
︎ Feb 18 2021
All this stress lately has me trying new things. For example, I've discovered that brake fluid is actually delicious. I'm up to a case a day, but there's no need to worry about me.
π︎ 44
π
︎ Jan 18 2021
That is All
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 02 2020
This is a series of dad jokes that all relate to each other and form a dad joke story so bear with me.
How do you kill a blue elephant?
(How?)
With a blue elephant gun.
How you you kill a pink elephant?
(With a pink elephant gun?)
No, you hold its trunk til it turns blue then shoot it with the blue elephant gun
Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
(No clue...?)
So they can hide in cherry trees
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
(Of course not)
Then clearly it works
π︎ 19
π
︎ Oct 22 2020
All these years it was thought that Yoda only had one name. His family name is....
π︎ 9
π
︎ Dec 12 2020
Iβve been working on my thesis that Swiss cheese is the greatest of all cheese.
But my proctor keeps finding holes in it.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Oct 07 2020
After all my travel in 2020 was cancelled, I'm now facing the COVID reality that my Spring Break trip is not going to happen either. I just told my suitcases this sad fact...
...and now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jan 13 2021
My mom's personalized number plate says "ISβ₯οΈED" and we always believed that it was short for "Is Loved." But then my dad had to ruin it for us all when he said it meant:
π︎ 132
π
︎ Oct 15 2019
We all know that Dracula is the #1 vampire and from Transylvania. But where is the #2 vampire from?
π︎ 13
π
︎ Nov 16 2020
There are reports that, because of the covid outbreak, Rick Astley is hoarding copies of a 2009 Pixar film, and all albums by a southern metal band from New Orleans. He is not allowing anyone to borrow them. It's also said that Mr. Astley is refusing to go out and purchase cake for others.
To summarize:
He's never gonna give you Up
Never gonna lend you Down
Never gonna run around, and dessert you.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Mar 23 2020
The moment I learned that βphα»β is actually pronounced βfuh,β I knew the time was ripe to write a Google review for my all-time favourite phα» restaurant. (I guess this qualifies more as βracy wordplayβ than it does βpunnyβ?)
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jan 10 2020
To everyone that knows what the mitochondria is, all I can say is
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 14 2019
A judge is hearing a case. 'The people V. United Parcel Service' and determines that the trucks area nuisance and a danger to the town. He decides to ban all their trucks from the town and calls his ruling:
'UPS Truck Shun of Justice'
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 22 2020
I tell everyone that I hate all romantic comedies, but that is a lie.
I love Love Actually actually.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Sep 10 2020
What do you get if you have a subsciption to a magazine that is all about fathers?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 26 2020
We all have that on relative who breaks everything they touch. Mine is my...
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 09 2020
It is with deepest regret that I have to inform you all, my poultry dating site will be closing down,
as I can no longer make hens meet!
π︎ 44
π
︎ Aug 13 2018
Experts warn that all this social distancing is causing a lot of stress, anxiety, and depression.
The Flat Earth Society is especially worried. They think their members might be driven over the edge.
π︎ 14
π
︎ May 12 2020
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
