A farmer is out in the pasture with his Australian Shepherd. After getting all the sheep into their pen, the dog says to the man, "That's it! That's all 50 sheep!" The farmer looks confused and replies, "Fifty?! We only have 46 sheep!"
The dog replies, "Yeah, I rounded them up" 🐶 😉
Why do British people hate saying the letter T? Cus’ thats what they are too busy drinking it all the time.
The school made the use of "bullet points" illegal because it incited violence in the classroom, and I must admit I couldn't have cared less. That's all changed now, though.
The bus driver isn't allowed to drive my kids anymore because we live on a dead end street.
LPT: Want beer but are too young to buy it? Buy rootbeer and put it in a square glass. The square cancels out the root and all that's left is beer!
reddit.com/r/ShittyLifePr…
I was just thinking of this old dad joke, dare I say the one that started it all. So, why was 6 afraid of 7?
I recently bought a shirt in size 'M' but it didn't fit me so it turns out that I'm not a medium after all.
No wonder why I'm not able to contact the dead.
One time I sat outside all night wondering what the reason was that it's always dark all night and light all day.
To all the people that want to make jokes about aquatic life, stop it now….
Leave those jokes to the pro-fish-ionals.
The weather forecast said that a monsoon was coming, but when it arrived it turned out not to be a monsoon at all.
A bivalve mollusc quietly overlooks the bay, upon its perch atop the waves. All is serene, all is well. Until, that is, the mollusc sees angry, thunderous clouds broiling in the horizon. The mollusc stands resolute as the squall approaches.
It was the clam before the storm.
After all the crap that has passed between them it is amazing they are still together
An inventor has made some glasses that can block out all dolphin-like animals from your vision. I think it's useless...
I don't see the porpoise.
Why is it that all of the instruments seeking intelligent life in the universe are pointed away from Earth?
To avoid false positives.
Did you know that McDonald's closed all its stores in Russia? (True fact.)
Yep. They decided to turn Russia into a no-fry zone.
We all know that chicken is made by roasting it, fried chicken is made by frying it, and that grilled chicken is made by grilling it...
So with all of that in mind, how the hell do they make jerk chicken?!?!
It's a shame that people who spend all day working hard, digging for precious metals can't enjoy a drink at the end of the day.
All because they're miners.
My gf and I are removing old ducting from our house that contains asbestos. She asked if the workers will for sure be able to get rid of it all.
I told her they'll do asbestos they can!
my grandfather said this today on the dinner table and i was the only one that found it hilarious for no reason at all
G : what type of apples grow on trees ?
my dumbass : idk red and green ?
G : all of them do
wheezes
I just learned from a LPT that if you peel a banana from the bottom all those tasteless fibery strands come off with the peel. Since it works so well I asked my kids if they wanted a banana...
The other day, I dreamt about a young horse that was so unruly. It refused to do anything during the day, but spent all of the dark hours being wild, running and fighting any other animals it could find.
When I was little my brother drank all the soda in my cup at McDonalds and gave it back. I asked how that was fair and he said…
We survived 2020, only to find out in the end that 2021. And if that doesn’t beat all, it turns out next year is …..
2022
Disclaimer: reconstructed joke
Apparently not a joke
I'm a son without a father... I lost him a few days ago to a heart attack and I just... can't stop crying
We both used to check out this sub daily for amazing dad jokes and laugh at them together... We'd try to form our own stupid stuff
I used to wake up for college early in the morning
I'd cook some breakfast for him get ready and before leaving I'd wake him up and tell him a stupid dad joke... I'd want to see him start his day with a smile
I just want to thank you all in this sub for giving me and my dad happiness your jokes made us laugh at our worst times
Out of habit I keep getting up to go to his room with a dad joke... Only to see it empty
I'm never gonna get to mess around with my dad again... I'm never going to hang out with him again he's not going to be there to see me grow up and buy a house of my own ... He's not going to see me buy a car of own ... He's not going to see me get married... He's gone forever and I will never get to start my day with a smile again from a silly dad joke with him
He wasn't the greatest dad but he certainly was the best I could ever ask for ... I will miss you dad
Thank you r/dadjokes to all the amazing dads here and their funny and stupid jokes
Edit : thank you so much dad's for your overwhelming support I love you guys and I just want to take a moment to thank all the people here who shared their experiences as well of having lost a parent... Your story inspires me to continue forward with the torch
Also I'm seeing quite a few comments saying the post is not funny and that they came for a laugh... I'm truly sorry about that, I just really wanted to honor my dad in this sub since we spent so much time together here scrolling for jokes and I needed the push from you dads to get back on my feet
I'm never going to be the same that's for sure knowing a peice of me has been lost forever... The void will never be filled in my heart
But your support is just what I needed, once again thank you dads I love you
Edit 2: thank you so much dads for your overwhelming support
I know I haven't been able to respond to all the dms and messages here but I've been reading them all and it's just made me smile in the worst
Thank you dads you guys are the best
What is it about all the Psychics that I ever visit.. they're either totally depressed, or too excitable.
It's really hard to find a happy Medium..
My family got a 4-person meal that came with 4 double cheeseburgers and 4 large fries. My son ate it all.
He thought it was a 4 per son meal
I used to do the hokey pokey.
But then I turned myself around.
Johnny Cash's cover of that Nine Inch Nails song used to make me really emotional, but now it doesn't affect me at all.
I think I've achieved Hurt immunity.
I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
At my oldest son's virtual school, they asked parents to volunteer and do 'virtual field trips' for the kids. As an Entomologist (the study of insects), I jumped at the opportunity to join their Zoom class one afternoon and talk with the kids for 30 mins. I told the kids that...
almost all of the ants you see are female! True story for bees as well!
Then a kid did the hand raise thing on Zoom and asked a question. "How do you know that they're all girl ants?"
That's a great question!
Here's the scientific process... You get a bug bucket and fill it with room temperature tap water. You carefully get an ant on a 5mm wooden dowel (stick) and lower the dowel into the water. The ant will instinctively separate from the dowel to take advantage of the waters surface tension. If the ant sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats...
"Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!" My youngest son thought of that all by himself and shared it with us during Christmas dinner!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Honolulu...
Today I insisted that my son had a hole in his shoe. He didn't believe me and kept looking and looking, took it off and inspect it. He yelled "There is no hole in there at all!"
So I yelled back "Then how did your foot get in there!"
I hope that the universe keeps on expanding forever so all the heat runs out some day. It means that eventually things are gonna be 0 K
My son Luke loves it that we named all our kids after Star Wars characters...
My daughter Chewbacca, not so much.
I got home from work today to find that someone has taken up all my grass from the garden and left it in a pile in the corner.
I thought to myself , that's sod.
My downstairs neighbor complains that whenever I eat Doritos on my porch, it gets all over him on his patio. As usual, he's exaggerating.
He just has a chip on his shoulder.
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
I know a guy that lives in a glass house.
He's just a stone's throw from me.
All these years it was thought that Yoda only had one name. His family name is....
There's a rather unknown Greek myth that involved Zeus farting so loudly that it caused powerful lightning storms all over Greece. Panic and chaos ensued, and there was widespread looting as fires raged out on control.
Thus began the Zeus Toot Riots.
Well, it's that time on New Year's Eve. I'll see you all...
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey…
But I turned myself around
I just bought a dictionary today and bought it home to find out that all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
I used to like the hokey pokey
But I turned myself around
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
