I bought a record at the charity shop the other day, "Sounds That Wasps Make". I took it home and it sounded nothing like Wasps.
That's when I realised I was playing the Bee side.
A gang of outlaw cows rob a bank and flee..
The police track them to a motel, but can't narrow it down further. They call the judge and he writes out a warrant to search room #8 at the motel. Police break down the door and arrest the gang of cows with the stash.
Later the police captain calls the judge, "Your honor, how did you know where the gang would be hiding?"
Judge says, "It's easy Captain. Cows always room in 8".
I like to collect records
It’s my decision and that’s vinyl!
For years I’ve been searching through record shops trying to find rare original U2 vinyls
But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
You're in a dirty fistfight against a gang of circus performers. Who do you take down first to weaken the whole team?
The Beatles once recorded a song about a blue underwater vehicle.
How do you defend yourself from a gang of clowns that come at you?
I want to be buried with my record collection.
That would be my vinyl resting place.
So anyways the barista Taylor goes to hand me my drink....
And I said "thanks a latte."
The Beatles tried recording an alphabet song....
But never made it past the Letter B Letter B Letter B Letter B
(Sing it you know you want to!)
My underprivileged friend will only listen to the b side of his records.
It’s like he lives on the other side of the tracks.
People say I’m like a broken record
People say I’m like a broken record
A cat got into the guiness world record book
After I went to the dentist, I went and recorded a gospel album. My mouth was still numb, so I was drooling the whole time.
The album's called "Songs of Salivation".
I found an old vinyl record of insect sounds.
I put it on, expecting relaxing ambient sounds like cicadas and such, but all I got was a droning buzz. That's when I realized that I was playing the bee side.
What do the Japanese call a gang member responsible for keeping the boss's beer cold?
There's a gang going through the shops in our town, systematically shoplifting clothes in size order.
The Police believe they’re still at large.
My wife asked me to stop quoting Taylor Swift lyrics all the time
I never saw it coming, wouldn’t have suspected it
In light of his record with these mega-projects, Elon Musk's proposed new Miami-tunnel gives new meaning to the term
"car-pool tunnel syndrome."
I’ve being breaking a lot of records recently...
I would have broken more if they didn’t kick me out of the music store.
Did I tell you guys about the side-hustle plan I came up with? I’m going to do personal training for the band that recorded ‘Lola’ and ‘You Really Got Me’. It’s a good plan...
I just have to work out a few Kinks.
I was arrested yesterday after neighbours complained about me playing Englebert Humperdink records all night
Police released me, let me go!
What do you call a biker gang that sells bread?
My town just set the record for the longest line fighting each other
You could see the punch line coming from a mile away
A guy on my street holds the world record for most concussions
He only lives a stone's throw away
My record collection includes Bruce Springsteen, John Cougar Mellencamp, and Tom Petty. It’s almost a full Heartland Rock set...
In the old days, excessive use of commas was considered to be a serious crime.
It usually resulted in a long sentence.
My friend Robert is a lawyer who specializes in helping convicted people by getting their records erased permanently. Everyone calls him...
The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record...
The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record. A monkey that had been a healthy weight at its last checkup was now recorded as being only half that.
Fearing for the monkey’s health, he went and saw it, expecting it to be sickly and skeletal. However, the monkey seemed totally normal. Confused told his staff to weigh the monkey again.
They did, but the number they reported was still astonishingly low. Sure it was a mistake, he went to weigh the monkey for himself. But when he put the monkey on the scale, it showed a number that was still far too low, and couldn’t possibly be right.
After a moment he spotted the problem: behind the scale was a grab bar on the wall, and the monkey had stealthily grabbed it with its tail, and was supporting some of its weight off the scale that way.
So the monkey's weight was fine, they just weren't paying attention to de tail.
Why did Led Zeppelin have record sales in China last year.
Because the government declared a rock down.
Taylor Swift is not what she seems
I sent her my trousers to be taken up by 4 inches over 3 months ago
and I still haven't had them back!
One of my fathers last wishes was to have his ashes pressed into a record....
It was his vinyl request.
On the eve of a record breaking cold winter night, a wife notices her husband run to the backyard with a bucket in his hand.
She grabs a cup of hot cocoa and watches through the window as he fills the bucket up with water and races from the back of the house all the way out to the front yard and out of sight. She bundles up and goes outside to get a closer look and sees that he’s cleared the snow from the sidewalk. She watches as he takes his bucket of water and pours it out on the cold concrete. She’s puzzled for a second and then says:
Icy, what you did there.
Do you know what happens when you play a country record backwards?
Your truck comes back, your wife comes back, your dog comes back, your trailer isn’t flooded...
"Have you ever done anything good?" St. Peter asked a guy when he showed up at the Pearly Gates. "To protect a young girl I punched the leader of a motorcycle gang, kicked his bike over, and told them all to back off!" said the man. St. Peter was impressed, "When did you do this?"
"Oh, just a couple of minutes ago."
What do you call two people talking about their Chuck Taylor All Star shoes?
Where does Phil Collins record his music?
I'm obsessed with collecting old Beatles records. My friends say I need help..
..but I've already got that one.
What did the taylors say on his 80th birthday?
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey
What did the bad guy use to find Scooby and the gang?
What gangs would a vampire join?
People say I’m like a broken record...
People say I’m like a broken record...
People say I’m like a broken record...
I have a plan for a new side-hustle. I’m gonna do personal training for members of the band that recorded ‘Lola’ and ‘You Really Got Me’. It’s a good plan...
I just have to work out a few Kinks.
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
