I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tnethacker
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
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My friend just hired a limo for $1000 but it didn't come with a driver.

Imagine spending all that money with nothing to chauffeur it!

πŸ‘︎ 114
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ATX_Stig
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
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Someone bet me Β£1000 that I couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf

I told them that I couldn't take the bet, the steaks were too high.

πŸ‘︎ 200
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πŸ‘€︎ u/goatsodomizer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2017
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I entered a dad joke competition for a $1000 prize, but I didn't win.

A grand dad joke won.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Notherereally
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2017
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My 6 year old just told me this joke... What's stronger than a fortune cookie?

A hammer.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jeenyus47
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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Husband: Babe, I got paid more than I expected! This is great!!!!

Wife: Sweet! How much are we talking??

Husband: Well it is normally $1000, but this time I got $1000.02!!!!!!!

Wife: ...thats not that great.

Husband: Well I think it is, but that’s just my two cents.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jhench78
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
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Dad told me this one last night

Alright so yesterday at dinner my mom and dad told me and my sister that they decided that we would indeed drive to Florida and stay there and rent a place for a few months. The home they picked out is in the same community as my grandparents, I am all happy about this except for the part where we have to drive 1000 miles over 15 hours of driving. So anyway after my sister and I ask some questions about the place he says β€œdid you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet, but most have four”

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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I've bought a book called 'How to become an expert in Origami.'

So far, I've made over 1000 paper snow balls.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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I tried to tell a joke to a sheep dog

But they herd it 1000 times

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kilographix
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
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A Nike shoe factory burned down πŸ”₯

1000 soles were lost!

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ry8
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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Of 1000 and 69, which the naughtier number?

1000, because it has 3 zeros.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ohrules
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
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Casino Joke

So the other day I won a game of blackjack and the dealer said "Congratulations, you won 1000 chips!" I replied "Awesome! What flavor?"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrNewbMcMuffin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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Learned the difference between Bananas today

There are 1000 species of banana in the world and the difference between the lighter ones and the darker ones are because the lighter ones lacatan.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rdegannes87
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
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How do you milk sheep?

You bring out a monitor stand for $1000.

πŸ‘︎ 106
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mistah-S
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
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What’s the difference between a cult classic and occult classic?

About 1000 years

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrFruigle
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
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Son got me!

Went shooting at an outdoor range. With my 11 year old boy. After putting 1000 rounds down range, we headed home. While driving home after like 10 mins...

Me, "my ears are messed up, the radio and the tires sound funny".

Son, (holding up three finger) says,"how many fingers am I holding up?"

Me, "What, I said my ears are messed up not my eyes!"

Son, (still holding up his fingers yells at the top of his lungs) "HOW MANY FINGERS AM I HOLDING UP?"

Im still laughing!

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2016
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You need an IQ of 200 to get this computer pun.

A band named 1023 MB was very sad, they couldn't get a gig.

This is unoriginal, but it has been reposted so many times i can't even pund it anywhere in the web, I even asked my pet spider where it was orginally found.

Pun 1: >!A gigabyte is actually 1024 MB not 1000 MB!<

Pun 2: >!Spiders makes webs idiot.!<

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoatNoodles1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2018
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First day of class, professor joke

First day of the new semester. I'm at my first class, Experimental Statistics. The professor is going over the syllabus and everything then stops for us to do an "exercise."

He tells us to turn to the person next to us and ask them to marry us.

(If you must know, the guy on side me said no. Apparently it was something I said.)

We start to quiet down and wait for the explanation of why 1000 students just asked each other to marriage.

The professor said that it was important for his students to be engaged during class.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigguy1027
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2015
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New weights and measures
  1. The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds17. 52 cards = 1 decacards18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin22. 10 rations = 1 decoration23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
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My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday.

The rental was $50, and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars. That's inflation for you...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/savemoney2121
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2018
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In science class

In science today we were discussing chemical reactions, more specifically ones resulting in light.

Science teacher: "Have any of you seem that show '1000 ways to die'?

Most answer yes.

Teacher: "Well one episode some guy decided to inject himself with the contents of a glow stick to make his veins glow. He died."

Without thinking about it, I stand up and loudly blurt out: "He wasn't too bright, was he?"

Groans galore. I was so proud.

πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LunarDrop
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2013
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Fun Gig

My IT Consultant was telling me about a fun gig, told him that's a 1000 more than a fun meg.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/awhitehatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2018
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Mexicans love mayonnaise

In fact, back in 1912 the Titanic was loaded with 1000 cases of mayonnaise that were to be delivered to Mexico after the ship briefly stopped in New York. But as we all know, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. The Mexican people were so sad they created a special day to honor the event. Sinko de Mayo.

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jsushe01
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2017
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My friend will be a great dad

I'm an Asian and my friend and I have AP Calculus together and he sits right next to me. I had trouble with a derivative and our conversation went along the lines of:
me: I don't know how to do this derivative.
friend: Well you see, you're Asian so you're bad at deriving.
me: groan^1000 ^hot ^fiery ^suns

πŸ‘︎ 99
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yellananner
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2014
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Told my wife I got paid 6 figures

$1000.00

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arxieos
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2018
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Guy at the bar calls over the bartender..

He tells the bartender to place a beer mug all the way across the bar and bets him $1000 that he can stand up and piss in the mug without getting a drop of pee anywhere else in or on the bar. The bartender takes the bet. The guy stands up and starts to pee. He pees all over the bartender and the bar and doesn't even get a drop in the mug across the bar. The bartender says "HAHA! You owe me a thousand bucks, you didn't even get a drop of piss in that mug". The guy says "that's ok, I bet those 2 guys across the bar $2000 that I could piss all over you and this bar and that you would be happy about it"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/107Teamster
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2018
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A man walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I'm not feeling well."

The doctor says, "Okay, well have a seat." He then walks out of the room for a moment and comes back with a Labrador Retriever. The dog sniffs him a bit, then the doctor walks him back out of the room with his tail wagging. A couple minutes pass, and the doctor comes back with a cat. He rubs the cat all over the man until it meows, then takes it back out of the room. The doctor then returns and says, "Well, you seem fine to me. That'll be $1000." The man, flabbergasted, yells, "$1000?! There wasn't even anything wrong with me!" The doctor replies, "Well it rounds out to that between the lab work and the cat scan..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JH456
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2015
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Dad-joked while writing an essay

Dad: What class are you writing that essay for?

Me: Classical Mythology

Dad: Well you should just put a classic picture on your paper and if your prof asks why just say a picture is worth 1000 words!

(He had definitely planned this one)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sawwas7
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2014
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Lady of the evening asks my dad if he wants a little company...

He says, "No thanks, I'd like a big company with 1000 employees, unlimited expense account and a corporate jet."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bob_marley98
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2014
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A few he just rattled off...

What happens when you pour root beer in a square glass? You get beer.

There's a band called 1000 megabytes... They haven't had any gigs yet...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zoidburger00
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2013
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Linear Algebra Dad joke

Did you hear about the movie where Neo discovered who he was?

It was called:

|1000|

|0100|

|0010|

|0001|

Turns out he was the determinant of the diagonal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lord_dumbello
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2014
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Chemistry dad joke

So, you take a beaker and fill it with 1000 ml of water. You then stuff purple Easter marshmallow treats into the beaker until it is completely full of peeps. What do you have?

...

A purple peep liter!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Edgefactor
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2014
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Friend's Dad talking about Colma, California

Colma is a city with so many cemeteries that the dead outnumber the living 1000 to 1. My friend and I were talking about this with his dad, and his dad ends the conversation by saying, "I guess people are just dying to go there."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/threepwoodpirate
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2013
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Whenever we watch sports on TV

The officials make a bad call

Dad: I could see that was wrong from here and I'm 1000 miles away!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mdk12
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2014
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I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.

I M L I VI D

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tnethacker
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
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I Can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman Numerals

I M LIVID

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Infinite-Aviation
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman Numerals

I M LIVID

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/garlic_eggdog
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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My friend just hired a limo for a $1000 but it didn't come with a driver !

Imagine spending all that money and having nothing to chauffeur it

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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I can't recall how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals

IM LIVID

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IdealApricot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2020
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I can't remember howto write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals.

I M LIVID

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
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I can't remeber how to write 1,1000,51,6 and 500 in Roman numerals

IM LIVID

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Glazavolk_YT
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
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I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals...

I M LIVID

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zethantheGOAT
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2018
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I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals

I M LIVID

πŸ‘︎ 106
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weab00
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2019
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I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman Numerals.

IM LIVID

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZappBrannigansLaw
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
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I can't remember how to write the Roman Numerals 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500.

IM LIVID

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thedaveabides98
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
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I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman Numerals

I M LIVID

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2018
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A Nike shoe factory burned down πŸ”₯

1000 soles were lost.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ry8
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
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