T 1000 Puns

I M L I VI D

Imagine spending all that money with nothing to chauffeur it!

I told them that I couldn't take the bet, the steaks were too high.

A grand dad joke won.

A hammer.

Wife: Sweet! How much are we talking??

Husband: Well it is normally $1000, but this time I got $1000.02!!!!!!!

Wife: ...thats not that great.

Husband: Well I think it is, but that’s just my two cents.

Alright so yesterday at dinner my mom and dad told me and my sister that they decided that we would indeed drive to Florida and stay there and rent a place for a few months. The home they picked out is in the same community as my grandparents, I am all happy about this except for the part where we have to drive 1000 miles over 15 hours of driving. So anyway after my sister and I ask some questions about the place he says “did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet, but most have four”

So far, I've made over 1000 paper snow balls.

But they herd it 1000 times

1000 soles were lost!

1000, because it has 3 zeros.

So the other day I won a game of blackjack and the dealer said "Congratulations, you won 1000 chips!" I replied "Awesome! What flavor?"

There are 1000 species of banana in the world and the difference between the lighter ones and the darker ones are because the lighter ones lacatan.

You bring out a monitor stand for $1000.

About 1000 years

Went shooting at an outdoor range. With my 11 year old boy. After putting 1000 rounds down range, we headed home. While driving home after like 10 mins...

Me, "my ears are messed up, the radio and the tires sound funny".

Son, (holding up three finger) says,"how many fingers am I holding up?"

Me, "What, I said my ears are messed up not my eyes!"

Son, (still holding up his fingers yells at the top of his lungs) "HOW MANY FINGERS AM I HOLDING UP?"

Im still laughing!

A band named 1023 MB was very sad, they couldn't get a gig.

This is unoriginal, but it has been reposted so many times i can't even pund it anywhere in the web, I even asked my pet spider where it was orginally found.

Pun 1: >!A gigabyte is actually 1024 MB not 1000 MB!<

Pun 2: >!Spiders makes webs idiot.!<

First day of the new semester. I'm at my first class, Experimental Statistics. The professor is going over the syllabus and everything then stops for us to do an "exercise."

He tells us to turn to the person next to us and ask them to marry us.

(If you must know, the guy on side me said no. Apparently it was something I said.)

We start to quiet down and wait for the explanation of why 1000 students just asked each other to marriage.

The professor said that it was important for his students to be engaged during class.

1. The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds17. 52 cards = 1 decacards18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin22. 10 rations = 1 decoration23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

The rental was $50, and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars. That's inflation for you...

In science today we were discussing chemical reactions, more specifically ones resulting in light.

Science teacher: "Have any of you seem that show '1000 ways to die'?

Most answer yes.

Teacher: "Well one episode some guy decided to inject himself with the contents of a glow stick to make his veins glow. He died."

Without thinking about it, I stand up and loudly blurt out: "He wasn't too bright, was he?"

Groans galore. I was so proud.

My IT Consultant was telling me about a fun gig, told him that's a 1000 more than a fun meg.

In fact, back in 1912 the Titanic was loaded with 1000 cases of mayonnaise that were to be delivered to Mexico after the ship briefly stopped in New York. But as we all know, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. The Mexican people were so sad they created a special day to honor the event. Sinko de Mayo.

I'm an Asian and my friend and I have AP Calculus together and he sits right next to me. I had trouble with a derivative and our conversation went along the lines of:
me: I don't know how to do this derivative.
friend: Well you see, you're Asian so you're bad at deriving.
me: groan^1000 ^hot ^fiery ^suns

$1000.00

He tells the bartender to place a beer mug all the way across the bar and bets him $1000 that he can stand up and piss in the mug without getting a drop of pee anywhere else in or on the bar. The bartender takes the bet. The guy stands up and starts to pee. He pees all over the bartender and the bar and doesn't even get a drop in the mug across the bar. The bartender says "HAHA! You owe me a thousand bucks, you didn't even get a drop of piss in that mug". The guy says "that's ok, I bet those 2 guys across the bar $2000 that I could piss all over you and this bar and that you would be happy about it"

The doctor says, "Okay, well have a seat." He then walks out of the room for a moment and comes back with a Labrador Retriever. The dog sniffs him a bit, then the doctor walks him back out of the room with his tail wagging. A couple minutes pass, and the doctor comes back with a cat. He rubs the cat all over the man until it meows, then takes it back out of the room. The doctor then returns and says, "Well, you seem fine to me. That'll be $1000." The man, flabbergasted, yells, "$1000?! There wasn't even anything wrong with me!" The doctor replies, "Well it rounds out to that between the lab work and the cat scan..."

Dad: What class are you writing that essay for?

Me: Classical Mythology

Dad: Well you should just put a classic picture on your paper and if your prof asks why just say a picture is worth 1000 words!

(He had definitely planned this one)

He says, "No thanks, I'd like a big company with 1000 employees, unlimited expense account and a corporate jet."

What happens when you pour root beer in a square glass? You get beer.

There's a band called 1000 megabytes... They haven't had any gigs yet...

Did you hear about the movie where Neo discovered who he was?

It was called:

|1000|

|0100|

|0010|

|0001|

Turns out he was the determinant of the diagonal.

So, you take a beaker and fill it with 1000 ml of water. You then stuff purple Easter marshmallow treats into the beaker until it is completely full of peeps. What do you have?

...

A purple peep liter!

Colma is a city with so many cemeteries that the dead outnumber the living 1000 to 1. My friend and I were talking about this with his dad, and his dad ends the conversation by saying, "I guess people are just dying to go there."

The officials make a bad call

Dad: I could see that was wrong from here and I'm 1000 miles away!

I M L I VI D

I M LIVID

I M LIVID

Imagine spending all that money and having nothing to chauffeur it

IM LIVID

I M LIVID

IM LIVID

I M LIVID

I M LIVID

IM LIVID

IM LIVID

I M LIVID

1000 soles were lost.