My dad was consoling my baby niece and he picked up a bag of sweet potatoes and said

"Just like Popeye used to say, 'I yam what I yam and that's all that I yam.'"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DanYuleo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 24 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My wife shouted CAN'T at 8:58 am then 10:02 am she yelled WON'T!!!

I told her we need to go to the hospital. Her contractions were only 4 minutes apart.

(My wife is actually in labor right now at the hospital.)

Edit: oops guess thay should be 8:58 and 9:02

Update: my wife is going in to surgery for a c section. Everything is going a little different than we hoped but it's OK.

Final update. The surgery went great everyone is doing well. I have a daughter now! Thanks guys.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Johnatomy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 10 2022
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.

The decision was a piece of cake.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/LordCinko
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Halloween Puns

Why couldnโ€™t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.


Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!


Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!


For Halloween Iโ€™m going to write โ€œLifeโ€ on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers


This Halloween, the only Candy Iโ€™m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues


โ€œHalloweenโ€ = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.


Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!


Iโ€™ll be your trick if youโ€™ll be my treat.


How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!


When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day


Whatโ€™s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!


What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood


What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us


What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A โ€œhollow-weenie!โ€


Did you hear about the wild party at the haunted house? The whole vibe was anything ghost (goes).


How do you write a book about halloween? With a ghostwriter.



Iโ€™m going to celebrate Halloween the same way I always doโ€ฆ by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake. Sincerely,


Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, โ€œA lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?โ€ The other monster replied, โ€œBe a gentleman and roll them back to her.


The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something youโ€™re not will lead to a sweet reward.


I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, itโ€™s Election night.


I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so Iโ€™m dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.


Why dident the skeleten go to the halloween party? Becuse he had no body to go with.


What did the bird say on Halloween? Trick or tweet!


What do Italianโ€™s eat on Halloween? Fettucinni Afraid-o (Ha ha ha)


Why canโ€™t the boy ghost have babies? A. Because he has a Hallo-weenie.


What do goblins and ghosts drink when theyโ€™re hot and thirsty on Halloween? A. Ghoul-aid!!!


What do ghosts eat for supper? Spooketi


What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope itโ€™s Halloween!!


What is the most important subject a witch learns in school? Spelling.

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Punsville
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 27 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
She's too mature for that kind of joke. [True story]

On Tuesday I asked my daughter a silly question. She looked at me funny and I asked, "What? Were you born yesterday?" Baby girl was born Monday. I wore that prideful grin while my wife groaned. But now... my sweet baby's outgrown the joke :(

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/timeshaper
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 07 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
G'day reddit. Been a dad since October 2014, and just yesterday these hit me..

It started off pretty innocently. I was at work doing work stuff (I'm an apprentice boilermaker if you want to know) and came up with this...

Q. How did the bacon get to hospital? A. In the HAMbulance.

Kinda just snowballed from there...

Q. How did the sheep get to hospital? A. In the RAMbulance.

Q. How did the oyster get to hospital? A. In the CLAMbulance.

Q. How did the marmalade get to the hospital? A. In the JAMbulance.

I decided to post my hilarity on Facebook, and my brother in law dropped this one:

Q. How did the martial artist get to hospital? A. In the JEANCLAUDEVANDAMMEbulance.

And my sister chimed in too:

Q. How did the Beaver get to hospital? A. In the DAMbulance.

The next thing I knew, it just wouldn't stop...THEY JUST KEPT COMING OUT OF MY BRAIN!

Q. How did the sweet potato get to hospital? A. In the YAMbulance.

Q. How did the Indian get to hospital? A. In the PAPADAMbulance.

Q. How did the other Indian get to hospital? A. In the WIGWAMbulance.

Q. How did the insomniac get to hospital? A. In the DIAZAPAMbulance.

Q. How did the baby get to hospital? A. In the PRAMbulance.

Q. How did The Flash get to hospital? A. In the SHAZAMbulance.

I went to bed around 8.30pm. NO SLEEP FOR ME, MORE DAD JOKES TO THINK ABOUT!

Q. How did Sean Penn get to the hospital? A. In the IAMSAMbulance.

Q. How did Dr Suess get to the hospital? A. In the SAMIAMbulance.

Q. How did the exhibitionist get to hospital? A. In the WEBCAMbulance.

Q. How did the 80's pop stars get to hospital? A. In the WHAMbulance.

Q. How did the air hostess get to hospital? A. In the PAN-AMbulance.

Q. How did the POW get to hospital? A. In the VIETNAMbulance.

I'm pretty much spent at this point, but thought I would share with you guys. Maybe you've got more of your own to add?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/azureal
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 08 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.