Suburban Reptiles Puns

Prescient Kiwi punk from the Suburban Reptiles. Stay at home, ya bastards!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T7yZH-SZKdg

Greetings, I am a 22 year old male asexual looking for a girlfriend preferably one who lives in or close to North Texas. However, I am willing to try a long distance relationship if we seem compatible. To be upfront, I am sex-repulsed and don’t want kids. If you are looking for a partner that wants to raise a family or is willing to have sex, then I am sorry to say that I am not the person for you. Having said that, I am willing to, and in fact want, a partner that is comfortable with non-sexual physical contact such as hugging, kissing, holding hands, clothed cuddling, etc. Also, my pet cats and reptiles are non-negotiable. If I have to decide between being in a relationship and keeping my pets I will invariable choose the latter. Having said all that, if you think that we would be a good match, feel free to message me. If not, I am still thankful you took the time to read my post, and I hope you have a good day.

1. Single/Taken/Complicated: Single
2. Seeking Relationship/Friends/Squish/Other: Relationship
3. Romantic Orientation: Heteroromantic asexual
4. Gender: Male
5. Pronouns: He/Him
6. Age: 22
7. Height/Build: 166 cm (5’ 6”) & Thin
8. Physical Description: Genetically my hair is brown, but it’s so dark that unless you are looking closely it appears black. My skin tone ranges from a very slight tan to fairly pale. I have a BMI of 21.3.
9. Personality Description: I am an academic at heart with a particular passion for evolutionary biology and zoology.* As for my hobbies, I love reading, anime, and video games. I used to love going outside, but I slowly stopped going outdoors over my teenage years to the point that, as of now, unless there is field work I have to do for a class I rarely leave the house. It isn’t exactly helped by the fact that North Texas, where I live, is increasingly developed, further reducing the amount of nearby green spaces. Suburban sprawl isn’t exactly an interesting landscape to me, but is increasingly the only environment I have easy access to.
10. Location: North Texas

*Disclaimer: I believe in the use of brutal honesty in all cases where the listener is emotionally stable enough to hear it. I am of the opinion that “little white lies” are disrespectful not only to to person hearing them, but to the individual being expected to tell them. I understand that my viewpoint can be irritating, and I don’t believe that this practice can be a maxim. I am fully aware there are instances where someone’s mental state is

Let's be open to real shit for a second. And a preface—this is not an accusation. If anything it's extreme honesty directed at myself and possibly others here. That being said...

It takes one to know one. That's the gist of Carl Jung's theory of shadow projection. The people who irritate us the most, those we dislike, and those we outright despise all have something to teach us. In order for someone to recognize darkness in another, that same darkness much be present or have the potential to be present within oneself.

When it comes to Marxist-Materialist analysis, I believe this is true as well.

How is it that so many walk around blind to the perils of our world? The couch-locked suburban housewife sips wine and blames immigrants' supposed laziness for our woes. A Starbucks employee blames the damn racists living in caverns of Mt. Doom for our ills. They will never wake up and say "Wow, it's the rich dividing us, and we should unite?"

We say that though. Why? What did it take for us to notice?

I suspect all of us have a drive for power in one way or another. Can't tell you how many times I see some divide-and-conquer tactic work flawlessly, blatantly, and no one seems to notice. When I see that, I'm angry at first. But that anger is something else. It's jealousy. Knowing I could do the same but can't because of what—capital? All while the masses bitch and moan about some dumb symbolic shit that isn't a real fucking problem.

Yeah, the lizard-people billionaires are in charge.

I'm a lizard-person not-billionaire.

And you are too.

There's nothing a lizard-person hates more than another lizard-person, and it takes one to know one.

When do we found our island for misfit reptiles?

Do your worst!

For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.

I said "hey look, an escaPEA"

No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂

It really does, I swear!

They’re on standbi

Pilot on me!!

Firstly, I love all the kinds of shows Meateater is putting out these days. They are all well written and well shot, and make me want to get outdoors at every opportunity.

But specifically about fishing… it’s absolutely a good thing that they showcase all these places and techniques, talk about the local areas, and especially conservation. But I’m craving a different kind of fishing show.

I want to see someone (any of the Meateater personalities, really) go to places people don’t fish widely, like urban streams and suburban lakes all over the country. I don’t want them just showcasing the kinds of game fish and how much fun people are missing by overlooking those kinds of waters… I would really be interested in having the host(s), possibly in combination with conservation scientists, try to pull at least one of every kind of fish and reptile that lives in those environments out of the water and describe them and the place they fill in the ecosystem.

Basically, I love fish and fishing, and want to know more about the ecosystem that I love so much, not just in my backyard, but around the country, and the world too!

I have a hunch it would make us all better anglers/conservers in addition to being entertaining.

Thoughts? Thanks y’all, and I love this community.

Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.

This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.

If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.

Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.

So, a while back I did a feature where people could challenge me on various prompts.You can also find me answering a bunch of other weird stuff on that post such as my favorite waffle, what I would do if I was invisible, and what my favorite statistics fact is.

For a while I had been joking about writing a story about a time traveling iguanadon. So /u/Cody_Fox23 challenged me to write it. Here is the result. It's very meta. And very stupid.

---------------------

"How much longer does it take you to crack a safe?" Josh barked the orders.

AJ was down on his knees, slowly turning the dial back and forth. "Look, for some reason this bank still has a dial based safe rather than anything using electromagnets despite this being the twenty-first century. I usually only try and crack these things for fun."

"Your point being?"

"My point is give me a minute."

Josh turned back to the others. "Any sign of danger?"

Cody turned back from his post as lookout. "No sign of any cops yet. We might get away with this."

"Yeah, it would be nice to get out of this one without a body count," Ed muttered beneath his breath. "I almost ran out of bullets last time."

There was a click as the safe opened. The door swung open and the bright white lights of the safe beamed out towards them like a halo.

As their eyes adjusted to the brightness they could make out the tables, the shelves, the cupboards, the chairs - every surface piled high in wads of cash.

"Huh, weird that despite most cash being in a digital form these days, this small suburban bank branch still has enough cash to fill this whole room," said AJ.

"Shut it," Josh ordered. "Just fill the bags. Cody, you stay lookout. Ed, get over here and help."

Josh, AJ and Ed charged into the large open space with black duffel bags in hand. Haphazardly, they started throwing wads of banded together bills into the bags, filling them up as quickly as they could.

"You know what else is odd," began AJ, Josh already letting out an impatient sigh, "that all of these notes are only $1 bills, so that their cumulative volume doesn't take up so much space as to make three people loading duffel bags become an exhorberent sum. I mean, if these were all 10s or 20s, one duffel back alone would have us set for life."

"Less yapping, more bag stuffing," Josh ordered.

Ed was ahead of the other two, his sharp, young reflexes able to f

What did 0 say to 8 ?

" Nice Belt "

So What did 3 say to 8 ?

" Hey, you two stop making out "

When I got home, they were still there.

I won't be doing that today!

You take away their little brooms

This morning, my 4 year old daughter.

Daughter: I'm hungry

Me: nerves building, smile widening

Me: Hi hungry, I'm dad.

She had no idea what was going on but I finally did it.

Thank you all for listening.

There hasn't been a post all year!

Buenosdillas

It’s pronounced “Noel.”

After all his first name is No-vac

What, then, is Chinese rap?

Edit:

Notable mentions from the comments:

• Spanish/Swedish/Swiss/Serbian hits

• French/Finnish art

• Country/Canadian rap

• Chinese/Country/Canadian rock

• Turkish/Tunisian/Taiwanese rap

There hasn't been a single post this year!

(Happy 2022 from New Zealand)

#Total Progress

• Total: 168/240 (70% complete)

#Progress By Series

• The Crocodile Hunter: 64/82 (78%)
• The Crocodile Hunter Diaries: 47/96 (49%)
• Croc Files: 51/56 (91%)
• New Breed Vets with Steve Irwin: 6/6 (100%)

G'day! The Steve Irwin Archive has finally begun to upload content. Over the next few weeks, we'll begin adding everything we have right here. We are also in touch with a few helpful individuals that may have a treasure trove of old "Animal Planet" VHS tapes, that may contain some of Steve's work that hasn't been seen in well over a decade. But if you have old tapes, DVDs, broadcast recordings, or anything else, please don't hesitate to reach out!

We are using TVDB's metadata to track our progress. TVDB, or any other source, for Steve's content is imperfect (many disagree on episode release dates and even titles), but it's what most people use when setting up their own metadata servers (Plex, Emby, etc).

We are hoping to have an accessible archive in many places, but for now we are uploading each episode onto odysee.com.

There are a handful of episodes that we only have a partial copy of, and each of those will be marked "incomplete" below and on the video title itself.

With all that said, keep checking back here as we add more and enjoy Steve's incredible work. And remember: crocs rule!

#The Crocodile Hunter - Odysee All Episodes Playlist (in progress)

> Season 1 & 2 have always been the most difficult seasons to find for Crocodile Hunter. We have a small handful here, but we are still trying to track down the rest. Luckily, other than the specials (of which we are still missing a few), we have all of the remaining Crocodile Hunter episodes with exception of 1.

Season 0

• Odysee | Pilot (incomplete)

Season 1 - Odysee Playlist

• Odysee | 01 Wild in the USA
• Odysee | 02 Dinosaurs Down Under (incomplete)
• Odysee | 03 Sleeping with Crocodiles
• Odysee | 04 Suburban Killers
• missing | 05 Da

Why