A list of puns related to "Student No.1"
Student: No, itโs January
Why was the fraction apprehensive about marrying the decimal? Because he would have to convert.
Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots.
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average? It was a mean thing to say!
Why was the math book depressed? It had a lot of problems.
Why is the obtuse triangle always so frustrated? Because it is never right.
Why can you never trust a math teacher holding graphing paper? Heย must be plotting something.
Why was the equal sign so humble? Because she knew she wasnโt greater than or less than anyone else.
What do you call the number 7 and the number 3 when they go out on a date? The odd couple
What do you call a number that canโt stay in one place? A Roaminโ numeral.
Did you hear the one about the statistician? Probably.
What do you call dudes who love math? Algebros.
Iโll do algebra, Iโll do trig. Iโll even do statistics. But graphing is where I draw the line!
Why should you never talk to Pi? Because sheโll go on and on and on forever.
Why are parallel lines so tragic if they have so much in common? Itโs a shame theyโll never meet.
Are monsters good at math? Not unless you Count Dracula.
Whatโs the best way to flirt with a math teacher? Use acute angle.
Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers? Theyโd stop at nothing to avoid them.
How do you stay warm in any room? Just huddle in the corner, where itโs always 90 degrees.
Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven eight ("ate") nine!
Why DID seven eat nine? Because youโre supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
Why does nobody talk to circles? Because there is no point.
Co-teacher: "Students name" came in and said he lost his throat.
Me: Oh no! Did he check where he last remembered having it?
Co-teacher: He couldn't say.
The student replies, โNo sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.โ
Two high school students named Steve and Josh found themselves broke on a saturday afternoon while strolling around in the city mall. They hadn't eaten lunch and they were getting hungry, but alas, they had no money for food and they were hours away from home.
"I heard there's a place downtown where you can get a sandwich for free" Steve said to Josh.
"That sounds great, let's check it out" Josh replied, and they headed downtown.
They soon found the place. It was a small shop, too small to feel like a real business. The place had no tables or chairs, and not really much furniture at all. An old man stood behind a small counter and eyed them as they entered.
"Welcome to the Laughing Hoagie" he said.
"What is a laughing hoagie?" Josh wondered.
"It's the name of this sandwich place. This is not a regular sandwich shop. We have a special offer here for people who can't afford to pay for their food." the man said as he smiled a toothy smile at them.
"So it's true then," Josh blurted out, "we can get free food here?"
"Not so fast." The old man said. "There is a condition."
"What is it?" Steve wondered aloud.
"Well," the man started "you have to listen to one of my jokes, and the one of you who laughs the most genuine laugh gets a free sandwhich. The other one gets nothing."
As he said this, the old man opened a small refrigerator that stood behind the counter and produced a large, footlong sandwhich with ham, cheese, bacon, lettuce and tomatoes. It was covered in a white dressing and gave off a faint peppery aroma. The boys' mouths started watering at the sight of it.
"What? So only one of us gets a sandwhich?" Steve asked, taken aback.
"Those are the rules," the old man grinned, "if you don't like it, you may leave."
"Nah, we'll hear the joke." Josh said. Steve looked at him, and then nodded to the old man.
"All right." the old man rubbed his hands together as if preparing to dig into a strenuous task.
"What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?" he asked, and looked expectantly at the teens. They both stared at him with blank expressions.
"Bye Son!" he exclaimed, and struggled not to burst out giggling at his own quip. Josh chuckled a bit, but Steve just frowned.
"That was the worst joke I ever heard!" he exclaimed.
"Well," the old man said as he handed the sandwich over to Josh, "if you don't like jokes with really bad punchlines, then this sub is not for you."
I ask, can you left with your left hand?
Many students gave me props for the dad joke. One student said I sound like their dad. While I have no kids of my own, Iโm glad I get to practice my dad jokes on my students.
First day of the new semester. I'm at my first class, Experimental Statistics. The professor is going over the syllabus and everything then stops for us to do an "exercise."
He tells us to turn to the person next to us and ask them to marry us.
(If you must know, the guy on side me said no. Apparently it was something I said.)
We start to quiet down and wait for the explanation of why 1000 students just asked each other to marriage.
The professor said that it was important for his students to be engaged during class.
The tennis player admitted, and they seem to be on track for a smooth resolution. Upon being interviewed, the coach said: โI would have escalated this further, but he's a valuable student with a great arm, and I trust that there is no need for a wrist training order.โ
I'm running a booth at an orientation fair at a major university in the south. New out of state student and his dad come up and introduce themselves.
Me: "So, how did you end up in the south?"
Dad: "We drove."
Me: "No, I mean what brought you down here?"
Straight-faced dad: "The car."
I'm wearing a wonder woman sweater with a big W on the front and my student asked if it was a Weezer sweater. I said no and I wouldn't want that sweater anyway because it would just unravel as I walked away. BOOM! Dad joke dropped!
Me: "Sure, but you'll have to sharpen it."
Student: "Well, then there's no point."
The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.
Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!
What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!
Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.
What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!
Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.
The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.
How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!
No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasnโt chicken!
What musical is about a train conductor? โMy Fare, Ladyโ.
A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What animals are on legal documents? Seals!
Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!
Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.
Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!
How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Dockyard: A physicianโs garden.
What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!
The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.
โWhatโs purple and 5000 miles long?โ โOoh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!โ
Every calendarโs days are numbered.
This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. โFour bucks,โ says the bartender. โPut it on my bill.โ
I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!
When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When heโs a dandelion (dandy lion).
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.
A bicycle canโt stand on its own because it is
... keep reading on reddit โกI saw a white, fluffy thing swinging through my local cake shop. Suspect it was a meringue-utang.
I was out driving the other day and I spotted two packets of cheese & onion crisps walking down the road. I said, โDo you want a liftโ. โNo thanksโ, they replied, โWeโre Walkersโ.
I was in a cake shop the other day, they were all ยฃ5 apart from one that was ยฃ10. I asked why it was so expensive, the shop owner said โthatโs maderia cakeโ.
Bought some cream, it said โstore in a cool placeโ. So I left it in the Doctor Who studios.
Local ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
I used to love doughnuts, but I got bored of the whole thing.
A man says โI keep finding custard in one ear, and jelly in the otherโ. The doctor says โIโm afraid you are a trifle deafโ.
I bought a waffle iron the other day. Get really annoyed with wrinkled waffles.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden
What do they call a man who abandoned his diet? DESSERTER.
Ice cream is exquisiteโฆ โwhat a pity it isnโt illegal.
The optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole, and the realist sees the calories.
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adamโs banana.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because itโs too hard to put them on the bottom!
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When itโs been sliced.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
A birthday greeting: For someone special as you, only ANGELFOOD would do. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Did you hear there are two suspects in Two Ton Charleyโs death? BEN and JERRY.
Donโt eat too much fudge, or else you will have so much pudge you wonโt be able to budge.
You know youโre a mom ifโฆ Popsicles have become a staple food.
Mexican candy makes my taste buds say โOLE!โ
FORGET LOVEโฆ Iโ
... keep reading on reddit โกMy friends and I are all students attending OU. We were driving by our college, when...
Friend: "Hi school!"
Me: "No Samuel, that's college."
It took 30 seconds of me emphasizing/repeating the wording to get them to realize what I meant.
My seminar professor emails us, "No BioPsych today guys. We are interviewing 2017 people."
(she's referring to students in Sophomore graduating year who are applying for this concentration)
I respond in my email, "Wow 2017 people! That's practically the size of the entire student body! Good luck!" (we have a small campus)
Can I be a dad yet?
Back in the late 80's, my dad had a joke he loved to tell everyone he met. It went something like this:
I was driving down the road and ended up behind this ambulance with its rear door open. I tried honking and flashing my lights to get their attention about it, but they didn't seem to notice. As they turned the corner away from us, a small cooler fell out. I pulled over to rescue the cooler, and when I opened it, I found a human toe, on ice.
At this point, the victim of the joke is supposed to ask what he did with the toe. He responds with "I called the Tow Truck!" and hearty laughter.
Being the 1980's, e-mail wasn't prevalent, and calling long distance could get expensive, so he communicated with his out of state family primarily through mailed letters. He wrote this joke (sans punchline) in a letter to his mom. Not knowing it was a joke, she told the story to her friends and family. My aunt heard this story, and told it to her classes (she's a teacher) and one of her students actually got in a fight with his mom who said that could never happen.
A month or two later, we were getting together for a holiday and the toe story came up in conversation. My dad replied that he called the tow truck, and his laughter was met with horrified stares. By this time, nearly everyone in the small town was enthralled with this amazing story that my grandma had told about her son who lived in the city. She was imagining all of the people she had to contact to tell the real story to. Many took it in stride, but others were quite annoyed. Especially my aunt, who had to apologize to every one of her classes at school.
TLDR: A dad joke with no punch line doesn't belong in a letter.
Christina Aguilera and her boyfriend were in college. Now, Christina likes men with lots of testosterone, and her boyfriend was no exception, but the downside was, he was already losing his hair. "I would do something about it," he'd say, "but I don't know how much it would cost." One weekend they went to a student fair, and one of the campus groups was holding a couples' spelling contest. They were offering all kinds of gag items as prizes; condoms, jock straps, training bras, that sort of thing. The top prize for the winning guy was a hairpiece, valued at $100. So Christina helpfully suggested to her boyfriend, "If you won a bee with me, baby, there's a priced toupรฉe!"
A student is in math class, and the teacher is explaining some basic geometry. The teacher says, "The relationship between a circle and its radius can be calculated by 'pi r squared'". The student raises his hand, confused. "That doesn't seem right, Ma'am." The teacher asks what he means, and he says "Pi r square? No, Pi r ROUND. Cake r square."
I'm in a college course just called "Dinosaurs" and the professor owns most of the models he shows in class. We were covering bone structures and there were quite a few bones and complete skeletons all over the lab for various assignments. Curious, one student asked "Are these your bones?"
He responds, entirely deadpan, "No, my bones are still inside me."
(groans and chuckles throughout the lab)
Our school offers "gently used" semi-formal wear for kids who can't afford to get new things for every dance. It was originally called "my sister's closet" but then It started carrying boys' clothes too, and they wanted a name that didn't sound like a boy might be borrowing his sister's clothes for a formal dance.
"We want something catchy" a student said. "Like...my cousin's closet."
I piped in. "How about the small pox closet? There's not many things more catchy than small pox!"
Single word reaction after an exasperated groan: "no."
He's normally filled with dad jokes, but today was a bit more than usual.
Physics problem about horse pulling cart
Teacher stands up on table and makes horse noises
Class laughs
Teacher: What? I'm a horse! It's a bit of a long tale!
Class laughs
Teacher: but, let's stop horsing around and get to the mane point!
Student: You're on a roll today Mr. Teacher!
Teacher: No, I'm on a table!
Later on in class
Teacher: As you can see forces come in pairs! Pulls out a pear and opens it up revealing F and -F on each side
And then later on
Student: Hold on Mr. Teacher, I'll fix the calculations.
Teacher grabs onto desk
Teacher: When can I stop holding on?
Just a typical day in physics for me.
Just today, as class was ending and everyone was waiting for the bell, a student asked him if he had any daughters. He then said "Not on me, no" and maintained eye contact with astonishing conviction. He's great.
My cousin decided that after high school he was going to join the Navy instead of going to college because no matter how hard he tried to get better grades, he always remained a sea student.
Student (upon entering the room): Today is horrible.
Me: No, today is Thursday.
Followed by cackling laughter from me, a chuckle from another student, and confused/annoyed look from the angry student.
We were trying to waste time and class and a student asked him if his watch was Rolex. He said no it's a Bagelex.
Note: Quality Very Varying (I see what I did there) and sometimes subject to specialist knowledge. So I apologise in advance. Shame me with your better puns.
While I was languishing in the Language Centre, doing some semantics antics and considering how all the other linguistics students despised and derided me, I was accosted by a stout man with large glasses who made me a preposition. It was that I should collect terrible puns, to do with linguistics, in order to ingratiate myself yet further with the other linguistics students (including even the phonetics fanatics).
I'm struggling to think of a pun to do with grammaticality that both makes sense and "Is grandma tickly?" correct. I'm also stuck on 'morphologician'. (I'm not actually sure that's a particularly logical word for the subject, though I guess that's more for, er, more for a logician to worry about.)
The problem I have with writing about phonological variation is that one is constantly forced to choose between being fun or logical - very Asian!I always get in trouble with electricians, they think I'm calling them a 'dialectician' whereas in fact I'm just saying "Die, electrician."
I like pscycholinguistics โ the only department of linguistics where itโs acceptable to wear a cycle helmet. My Australian accent is terrible but I like to think my Sath Efrican one is predicate. My favourite accent is Received Pronunciation, because it is the accent chiefly used by invisible Japanese people who are ordered online. When the first recipient of an invisible Japanese person got the parcel, they wrote a complaint saying "Received but can't see Asian" and the name stuck.
Why did the speakers whose native languages weren't English, but whose only shared language was English, but they weren't very good at it and kept on having to stop to think about it, stop talking to one another? They came to an agreement. (Get it? If not, write your answer on a pastecard and paste it to the below address.)
What did the 'a' say to the 'the'? "You definitely are ticklish, 'the'!"
Why was the small man eaten by the large bear, which was proportionately bigger than him? It had, er, relative claws.
I think the reason there are so many speakers of Russian is because they all partake in an activity called "copulae shun". (Ok, ok, I know, that was Pushkin it.)
I know a man called Hillary who can, might, should, did, must, shall and will ride an ox. We call him "Ox Hillary".
I always think the verb 'to be' in the senten
... keep reading on reddit โกTeacher: so these tuning forms are hit and they make a specific tone, does anyone know what this is called (pointing at on of the prongs of the fork)
Student: isn't it a prong?
Teacher: no, it's actually called a ning, because it's a two-ning fork
A high school science teacher in California was teaching his kids about the three states: solid, liquid, gas.
After he is finished, he lifted up his tea and said, "What state is this in?"
One student raises her hand and says, "Liquid!"
Which the teacher replies, "No, silly. It's in California!"
Edit: I'm not dad! I'm potatoe.
So it's an Ancient Greek Philosophy class discussing the Presocratic philosophers of the sixth and fifty centuries BC and we were discussing Pythagoras.
One student was asking about the harmony of numbers in music that Pythagoras came up with and was amazed that he came up with that so long ago.
Student: "So he came up with all that way back then? Jesus Christ that's crazy!"
Me: "No this was before Christ."
Fortunately, everyone in my class appreciated it. Not enough groans though.. I'll do better next time.
Student: Where was the most interesting place you ever worked?
Teacher: Did I ever tell you guys about the time I worked at the orange juice factory?
Students: No
Teacher: Well I wasn't there long...I got canned.
Students: (laughter) Why did you get canned?
Teacher: Lack of concentration!
Totally made my day!!! Lol
Teacher: "Anyone know what's holding them together?"
Student: "Suction?"
Teacher: "No. That answer sucked."
Groans and chuckles come from all corners of the room.
EDIT: golding
We were talking about when women gained the right to vote in the U.S. in my Western Civilization class when my professor launched this zinger. Prof:"When was your grandmother born?" Student:"1917" Prof:"Why couldn't she vote when she was born?" Student:"Because women didn't have the right to vote yet." Prof:"No, because she was only one day old!"
I laughed, most of the class gave a nice groan.
Professor walked into our class today and was making small talk with everyone before the lecture and this happened. Student: "Mr. L did you get a haircut?" Mr. L: "No, I got them all cut, but thanks for noticing" No one else got it for 5 minutes and I just put my head down trying not to crack up.
I was at my parent's house and I instead of buying my own groceries I just get stuff from them instead. You know, university student. My mom wasn't there this time. I had been asking about chicken a few hours before with him because I forgot to grab them the last time I was out there. So right when I was about to leave I asked "Oh, does mom have chicken breasts?" And he replied with, "No, I think they are just regular ones."
Context:
I currently live and study in the Philippines
One Philippine Peso (โฑ) is approximately 1/40 a dollar. Go check the conversion ratio if you doubt.
A single stick of this choco wafer stick right here (called Stick-O) usually costs at about โฑ1
I study in a college where student organizations are prevalent and their means of collecting funds is by Fund Raising Activity, i.e., selling consumables to students (usually food at exorbitant retail prices)
Every single time when I see an organization member doing his/her FRA selling Stick-O's, I ask...
Me: How much is that?
FRA: Three for five.
Me: โฑ3 for 5 pieces?
They chuckle in shame. They then correct me:
FRA: No, 3 pieces for โฑ5 pesos
"No. I can't pick you up now." " What?! Why not? Mom said to call you when the club was over." "You're too big for me to pick up any more. You're going to have to walk to the car!"
Heard this gem while my student called her dad. Everyone in the club did a facepalm.
My fiancรฉe is a graduate student. The cat likes to whine until she's picked up. As my fiancรฉe was studying, the cat jumped up onto her desk.
Her (to the cat): "If you come over here, you're going to get held."
Me: "No, you're playing into her hand!"
Her: "She doesn't have any hands."
I must say, I'm a bit proud.
A rebellious Chemistry student was asked to give the formula for Nitrogen Monoxide, NO he yelled as he stormed out of the room.
Student: Do you have a mock exam [to use for practice]?
Professor: No. but if it does show up, feel free to laugh at it.
My professor had taught us about these doohickeys called multiplexers, which we sometimes also call "data selectors," in a previous lecture.
At the next lecture we had a review: he would draw a symbol and we would shout out what it represented, and he was hamming it up, acting like a game show host.
He drew a multiplexer on the board and asked the class, "what's this?" "A multiplexer!" some students called out. "Right! Now," says the prof, "what is another word for 'multiplexer'?" "A data selector!" someone answers correctly. But he looks like the student just blew the million-dollar question. "Hmm... 'a data selector'... no, I'm afraid notโthat's three words!"
His two young kids have probably learned not to ask him about what he teaches.
The day was raining like fish blown up by dynamite. The only jacket I had for the situation was fire Red with layered protection from such fish. I'm going to my college computer lab, trying to get my 24 hours of time in there done. It requires you to sign in with your student ID.
"May I see you card?" the teacher asks.
"Sure... So, how much time do I have allotted?" I asked after she signed me in.
"Huh? Oh, wait, sorry, can I see your card again? "
"Wait, I don't own a Cardigan"
Being an English teacher, she smiled and caught it quickly, "No, your card, but your jacket might suffice otherwise."
Edit: This might be too much setup for a stiff joke.
Student- S Teacher- T
S: Hey Mr. Frizzle, can I go to the bathroom?
T: What's up with you having to go the bathroom so much lately?
S: I haven't gone to the restroom in like 3 weeks!
T: Oh my god! Run! No one can last that long!
Background, I work for a relatively large University as front line tech support for Staff and Students, walk up, phone, email, chat, etc.
Today was first day of classes so a large number of students and staff passed through our doors. Walk-ups take a number then we can press a button on our system to claim the next number and we can call them.
We had extra help today so not all of the tickets that were pushed were called.
I pull up my ticket system start clicking and calling, a lot of them, no response. I get to 404, call it out, no response so I repeat it and "Not Found? ok".
Professor: "What is the formula for the area of a circle?"
Student: "pi r squared."
Professor: " No, pi are round. Cornbread is square."
A student walks in, "Did you get a hair cut?" His response, without missing a beat, "No, I got all of my hairs cut"
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