Before the clock strikes midnight on december 31st be sure to lift your left leg

That way you will start off the new year on the right foot

πŸ‘︎ 198
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πŸ‘€︎ u/noodlesvonsoup
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I got struck by lightning.
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RandyDangerPowers
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
If Abraham Lincoln had gone on a hunger strike there would have been an Emaciation Proclamation.

Emaciation/Emancipation

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JukeboxSommelier
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What Happens If You Are Sitting on the Toilet at 11:59 and the Clock Strikes Midnight?

Same shit, different day.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AstrosAtoZ
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when lightning strikes a pecan tree?

Nuts and Bolts. β›ˆ

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boop66
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Help! Accidentally uninstalled Windows!
πŸ‘︎ 760
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πŸ‘€︎ u/grantthejester
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
SPARE ME THE BOWLING PUNS
πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WestMatter41
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Wife asked if I'd seen the dog bowl...

β€œDidn't even know he played cricket" I replied

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trendfoll
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the lungs say to the bladder when they went on strike

Urine trouble

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Abaddononon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My son had a rough time at little league practice - after striking out three times, he lost interest and wouldn’t stop smelling the dandelions in the outfield, getting one stuck in his nose.

He really whiffed hard.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yawyaw42
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Shout out to the guy who just got a third strike in baseball.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AVeryCredibleHulk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I just read an early draft of The Empire Strikes Back...

...Yoda originally spent part of his exile as a shepherd.

All the sheep, Dagobah.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mikeycoyi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
A windmill asked the other windmill what his favorite type of music is.

The other windmill replied "I'm a big metal fan"

πŸ‘︎ 83
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scensei
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
HEADLINE: Vermont man arrested for throwing pickle from moving vehicle, striking a highway worker...

It wasn't a Vlasic case of road rage, but it's still Claussen quite a commotion.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
🚨︎ report
History has shown that during the Cold War, the US warheads feared a Soviet nuclear strike

They really went bunkers

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Projkt88
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
🚨︎ report
So I was on a flight the other day when they guy next to me asked me if I heard of β€œbird strikes.”

I honestly didn’t think they could hold signs.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
🚨︎ report
How do meteorologist track lightning strikes?

They use a Thor-mometer!

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Icebolt08
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Strike one
πŸ‘︎ 726
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gopanda54
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2019
🚨︎ report
What’s ugly, stupid and delicious

Turkey

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UndeadNineKills
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
The last drone strike was brutal

They stopped working for a month

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Why will my dad take his glasses off as soon as the clock strikes midnight this New Year?

So he can say he now has 2020 vision.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roivas14
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Trying to write some clean jokes about bowling balls

but they keep ending up in the gutter.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maximusheadroom
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
🚨︎ report
If the typist goes on strike,

Is it called the typing rebellion?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/developmentmule
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when you strike a cow with a snow globe?

A Knick-nack patty whack

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My Russian friend is on strike down at the napkin factory.

He's in the serviette union

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DjangoVanTango
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
🚨︎ report
DENTISTS ARE ON STRIKE!

Brace yourself!

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrVilborg
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
🚨︎ report
brother-in-law strikes again!
πŸ‘︎ 145
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NunyaDaioh
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2018
🚨︎ report
If electricity always follows the path of least resistance,

Why doesn't lighting always strike in France?

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tanakiin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Rocket man strikes again.
πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jorarl
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
🚨︎ report
A church was hiring a new bell ringer

And they interviewed an applicant named Stan. Stan had no arms due to an accident so the hiring manager asked how he would ever be able to do the job.

"I'll show you",said Stan.

They walked up flight after flight of stairs to the Bell tower all the while the manager wondered how Stan would ever be able to do the job. His questions were soon answered when after reaching the Bell tower, Stan took off running striking the bell face first. Gooong goes the bell. Stan picks himself up, takes off running face first at the bell, Gooong.

"Hold, on. You'll hurt yourself."

"I'm tough," said Stan, " "and I really needed this job"

"Ok," said the manager, leaving Stan to do the job.

All day the bell rang on the hour correctly and the manager thought too soon that he had misjudged Stan. Finally, at six in the evening there were only three gongs, then a commotion. Going out to see what was going on he found Stan dead on the street below. Apparently he had become disoriented from head trauma and missed the bell entirely falling to the street below.

"Who was this man, Who was he?" asked the crowd.

Not wanting to admit liability for the accident, the manager said "I don't know."

"But his face sure rings a bell"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/a_pos-tmodern_man
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?

I Q U

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OverKast78
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
🚨︎ report
The count is two balls, one strike.
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2018
🚨︎ report
[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 142
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Permatato
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Guess what kinds of shirts the terrorists wear in Counter Strike?

T Shirts!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Brawl_Witch
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the two wealthiest gold mines that went on strike?

Great mines think alike.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/harvest86
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?

Picket

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cryptozoophagist
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
🚨︎ report
The instructor in my self defence class told me that the most effective place to kick a man is near his knees.

Personally, I think it’s nuts.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Every year on New Year's Eve, when everyone's counting down the final 10 seconds to ring in the new year, I get up off the couch and stand up. I stand up and raise my left leg and just leave it raised for a little while until the countdown finishes and midnight strikes

that way I always start the new year off on the right foot

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Our sanitation workers going on strike...

...would be revolting.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JackDragon88
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2018
🚨︎ report
I told my wife that I was going on a hunger strike.

I am going to make sure there is always food available.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Who calls balls and strikes at the annual Vatican softball game?

The Holy Roman Umpire!

... sorry.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yeowvan
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2015
🚨︎ report
Are you smart? Then tell me. What time is it when the clock strikes 13?

Time to repair the clock.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FemaleHypnotist
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2018
🚨︎ report
When Gandhi was on his first hunger strike

People would routinely bring him bread in an attempt to get him to eat. What people don't understand though is that Gandhi was actually a very temperamental man, and prone to anger. So even when his friends and family were the ones bringing him bread, he would take it and hurl it at them, sometimes leaving bruises and welts. He justified it by saying it was all a part of his philosophy of naan-violence.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jchazu
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2018
🚨︎ report
I was socializing with a new coworker, when she said: β€œyou strike me as a dad.”

I said: β€œHold on there, I wouldn’t hit you whether I had kids or not.”

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EightBeersIn
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2018
🚨︎ report
No strings attached, trust me
πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arm3tt
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Orthodontists are going on strike

Orthodontists are going on strike.

Brace yourselves!

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stefano9
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st be sure to lift your left leg.

That way you will start the new year off on the right foot.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
If you are sitting on the toilet pooping starting at 11:59 and the clock strikes midnight...

It's the same crap, different day.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kerlandays
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report

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