If New York is so proud of their pizza, and so good at making bagels,
Why do we never hear about amazing New York pizza bagels?
When I lived in New York, my bike got stolen at least once a year
West Side Story is actually connected to Spider Man because there are many stories about Spider Man climbing many stories in the West Side of New York.
My daughter is away at college and she has to chose a degree soon
Honestly her mom and I always did 75 at night but this is her own life and her own thermostat so I am proud of her no matter how she chooses to set it!
Edit: I used to think this world / community is very polarized. Now I realize they are not - they are really sort of gradually distributed between uncomfortably cold and uncomfortably hot....
I am a professional reviewer of historic sites in the United States. I recently visited the site of a famous gunfight at a corral in Arizona...
"A small herd of donkeys just escaped from the Bronx Zoo, in New York!"
Cops are setting up a perimeter around the five burros, as we speak.
I once hiked to a lake with the states of Michigan, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and New York on its western, southern, and eastern shores. Not a bird was singing and the lake was still...
What's the difference between New York and Florida?
Well it's hard to compare apples and oranges...
I have a friend who a Phd in interactions of matter and energy at all length and time scales in the physical universe. The only job he could get was at a soda factory.
In a roundabout way, he did become a fizzicist.
I told my daughter that our Pomeranian was going to be a special guest at my university's graduation ceremony tomorrow ...
.... Because he's receiving his Honorary Dogtorate.
(Daughter was not impressed with his accomplishment or my joke.)
I got a call from a friend, he said that he was in the hospital for eating too many copies of the New York Times.
The news was really hard to swallow.
What do you call the New York Knicks in winter?
My co workers can’t stand working with me at the sperm bank because every time a new customer walks in I can’t help but say
I just read that California leads the United States in both depression rates and cases of infidelity
Talk about a sad state of affairs
Me and my friends were driving from New Jersey to New York through the Lincoln Tunnel. My wrist hurt once we were out
The doctor said it was Carpool Tunnel Syndrome
I'm so proud of my son who just finished his first semester of college in Canada.
If someone from New York is a New Yorker,
Then someone from Hamburg is a Hamburger
My daughter just got accepted into her choice of universities! I offered her my line-dancing rodents!
What company does the state of Indiana use for paternity tests?
I’m a professor at a university that was occupied by radical students
I knew it was serious when I heard chants of “Stop Stalin and show us our Marx!”
During testing of a new version of Mars rover, a cat entered the test track and was run over. However, the cat was resuscitated when one staffer played a Benny Benassi hit track. A NASA representative has stated...
...that it was a pity that Curiosity killed the cat, but Satisfaction brought it back.
Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe, but if you remove it, you get..
At the beginning of the term, my university professor makes all of his students buy the book that he wrote.
My fart just wiped out half of new York.
It was a weapon of ass destruction
the morning of my bday my bf just looks over at me and goes “babe you dont look a day over 25”
To tell the truth, solid are the only state of matter I have a firm grasp on.
My understanding of gases is airy. And my opinions on liquids are wishy washy.
The police just showed up at my house and arrested my bottle of water. They said he was wanted in 3 states...
my new girlfriend works at the zoo
At breakfast, my dad put a pineapple and a banana on the table and said, 'You have two options of fruits today -
It is said that King Kong was found by the British in Kowloon in 1934, having escaped from New York.
They treated him nicely, but he escaped anyway and killed a bunch of their people.
So they Hong Kong.
Someone threw a bottle of mayonnaise at me
I said “what the Hellman”
Breaking news: The cast of Friends have all made it back to shore alive after an incident where they got stuck at sea. Matt Le Blanc was quoted saying “The engines blew up, and none of us had any real experience with sailing, but it was okay...
Looking at buying a new PC and was wondering if 6 or 8 cores are enough.
Yet somehow Apples are fine with a single core.
Authorities are searching for a four-foot tall woman who recently escaped from prison in upstate New York. She was serving a five year sentence for fraud after convincing a number of victims that she was a powerful psychic.
Now she's a small medium at large.
Real ground breaking things(saw this at college)
Me to my son who is learning his US state capitals: What is the capital of Alaska?
Son: Umm….I forgot.
Me: Why don’t Juneau?
Wife: Rolls eyes and leaves the table.
Told my kid, who's away at college, that we had dinner last night at her favorite Indian restaurant. The food was good but I'm tired this morning because I woke up at 2:39 with a rumbling stomach.
She doesn't have to worry though, because I woke up just in time. One minute later and it would have been too farty. 🌬️
The Scottish medic got a new accessory for his kilt at work, to help fight infection.
He was so excited he could use his Neo-sporran.
Wife wanted new shoe laces, found some at 36 inches and asked if 3 feet would be enough..
I said, "why, you only have two."
- based on true story today. :)
In a surprising announcement the government has stated with all the issues recently instead of going forward in time we will go back 2 years...
Friend of mine has got a new job in a chess piece factory,
he starts on nights next week.
My wife called me into the kitchen to look at all of our new stock options.
There were chicken bones, beef bones and veggie ends.
Last night, burglars stole all of the toilets from the local university.
Police say they have nothing to go on
Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe
If you remove it, you have gravy.
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