I was going to put a lot of money on St. Peter’s

But my friend Thomas talked me out of it

👍︎ 3
💬︎
📅︎ Mar 27 2022
🚨︎ report
"Have you ever done anything good?" St. Peter asked a guy when he showed up at the Pearly Gates. "To protect a young girl I punched the leader of a motorcycle gang, kicked his bike over, and told them all to back off!" said the man. St. Peter was impressed, "When did you do this?"

"Oh, just a couple of minutes ago."

👍︎ 10k
💬︎
👤︎ u/Jan_Tik
📅︎ Sep 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Prince Phillip is standing next to DMX in line for St. Peter, he's says "50?"

DMX respond "naw dawg that's a different rapper"

👍︎ 28
💬︎
👤︎ u/VeseliM
📅︎ Apr 09 2021
🚨︎ report
[Wholesum] Euler Meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates

St. Peter: Your number's up Euler, and Isaac Newton says you have to count all the spheres in the universe before you can enter heaven. What say ye?

Euler: Sigma balls, Dick.


Sigma is used to notate summation.

Summation is the process of adding things together.

👍︎ 2
💬︎
👤︎ u/Target359
📅︎ Aug 17 2018
🚨︎ report
"Enter heaven or go back to Earth, which would you like more?", asked St. Peter.

I'd like to go back but I'm no More.

👍︎ 4
💬︎
📅︎ Mar 05 2018
🚨︎ report
A zebra dies and goes to heaven.

When he gets to heaven he goes up to St. Peter and asks him: "St. Peter? The whole time I was alive, I've always wondered: Am I white with black stripes or black with white stripes?"

St. Peter responds: " Hmm. That's a good question. You're gonna have to take that up with the big guy." (meaning god)

So the zebra goes to God and repeats his question.

God responds with "Well, you are what you are."

The zebra's face lights up and he goes running back to St. Peter yelling "I know what I am! I know what I am!"

St Peter says "Okay, okay! Calm down. What are you?"

Zebra: "I'm white with black stripes!"

St. Peter: "How do you figure that?"

Zebra: "It's because when I asked God what I am, he said 'you are what you are'. If I was black with white stripes, he would've said 'you is what you is'!

👍︎ 3
💬︎
👤︎ u/Bondubras
📅︎ Jan 28 2023
🚨︎ report
A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

... keep reading on reddit ➡

👍︎ 3k
💬︎
👤︎ u/Bugasum
📅︎ Jun 10 2022
🚨︎ report
So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight.

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.

Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.

Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."

Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"

Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."

Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"

Cop: "More important, sir."

Chief: "A major politician?"

Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."

Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"

Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."

👍︎ 106
💬︎
👤︎ u/doomboyo44
📅︎ Jul 13 2022
🚨︎ report
Larry Lobster and Sam Clam

Larry Lobster and Sam Clam were best friends. They did everything together. The only difference between them is that Larry was the nicest Lobster ever and Sam, well lets just say he was not so good. Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together. Larry went to heaven and Sam went to hell. Larry was doing well in heaven and one day St. Peter came up to him and said, “Larry, you know you are the nicest lobster we ever had up here. Everyone likes you but you seem to be a bit depressed. Tell me what is bothering you, maybe I can help.” Larry said, “Well, don’t get me wrong Pete, I like it up here and everything, but I really miss my good friend Sam Clam. We used to do everything together and I really miss him a lot.” St. Peter looked at Larry with pity and said to him, “I tell you what, I can arrange it so that you can go down to hell tomorrow and visit Sam all day. How would that sound?” This made Larry very happy and he got up bright and early the next morning and grabbed his wings, his harp, and his halo and got in the elevator to hell. When the doors opened he was met by Sam. The hugged each other and they were off. You see in Hell Sam owned a disco. The spent the day there together and had a great time. At the end of the day Larry and Sam went back to the elevator together said their goodbyes and Larry got back in the elevator and went up to heaven. He stepped off the elevator and was greeted by St. Peter who blocked the doorway to heaven. He looked at Larry and said, “Larry Lobster, didn’t you forget something?” Larry looked around and said, “No, I don’t think so I have my halo and my wings.” St. Peter looked at him and said, “Yes, but what about your harp?” Larry gasped and said, “I Left My Harp in Sam Clam’s Disco.”

👍︎ 20
💬︎
📅︎ Jul 24 2022
🚨︎ report
I pee too many time these days, and hence worried

Should I be seeing a pediatrician ?

👍︎ 3
💬︎
📅︎ May 14 2022
🚨︎ report
An old dev dies. Now this dev has lead an awful life.....

Lying, stealing etc and thinks they are going to hell. The dev gets to the pearly gates and is met by St Peter...... and their worst fears are confirmed when St Peter pulls out 10 books, all labelled with the devs name.

St Peter says "these books are a record of all the sins you have committed. Do you have anything to say in your defence?"

The dev looks down at their feet and says " I did try to be good"

St Peter says "it's ok, you can come in. You've already paid in syntax"

👍︎ 18
💬︎
👤︎ u/denandbil
📅︎ Aug 17 2021
🚨︎ report
I got tickets for the next Super Bowl plus hotel and airfare, but it turns out my wedding is on the same day!

If you'd like to go instead, it's at St. Peter's Church on Main Street at 6:00 pm. Her name is Melanie and she'll be wearing all white.

👍︎ 9
💬︎
👤︎ u/Gingi0
📅︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
A man named Dave. Long joke!

A man named Dave comes home very drunk late at night...

So this guy has been drinking with his buddies all night and he's as drunk as a skunk, gets home, falls up the stairs, undresses and goes to bed next to his wife. He falls asleep and next thing he knows, bang, he dies and finds himself waiting at the pearly gates.

The guy refuses to believe this is happening, he says to St. Peter: "This can't be possible, I'm a healthy man! This is not the way I die. You have to let me return down there!"
The guy can see St. Peter looks like he's feeling sorry for him, but he tells him that unfortunately, there's no policy for allowing people back on Earth. The guy insists: "But come on, there's got to be something you can do! I'll put up with anything, really, as long as you let me go back down."
So St. Peters tells him: "Well really, there's just this one possibility: you can go back, but only as a hen. That's the only thing we can allow." The guy guesses that this really is his only chance, so he agrees reluctantly.
So he's back on Earth in this beautiful chicken coop, the sun is shining, there's green grass everywhere, this is hen paradise. The other hens greet him with delight and he tells them his story, everything goes nicely. But then he feels kind of unwell, there's something wrong with his stomach. He asks this old hen: "Tell me, I've got this weird feeling in my belly, I'm not too well. What is happening to me?"

The old hen: "Well dearie, we hens lay eggs, you know. I bet you've never laid a nice egg before... You need to push it out now, and you'll feel much better after!"
So the guy pushes and pushes, and wham, out pops his first egg. The old hen congratulates him and he feels much better. But not 5 minutes later, his pain comes back. He returns to the old hen for advice.

"Well dearie, it's quite special but it happens that you need to lay TWO eggs, so go back there and keep pushing!"
So he goes back to his nest and pushes, and nothing comes, and he pushes harder, and wham, out comes his second egg! He feels much better, but not 2 minutes later, you guessed it, he's back in terrible pain and goes to see the old hen.

"What's this bullshit here, and don't tell me I've got a third egg to lay!" The old hen can't make head or tail of it and just tells him that when in doubt, he should be pushing. So the guy goes back to work and then, wham, his wife wakes him up with this smashing slap in the face and yells: "*Dave! Dave wake up you’re

... keep reading on reddit ➡

👍︎ 11
💬︎
👤︎ u/kmaff90
📅︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
The pearly gates

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

"Sounds easy enough. OK."

So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"

"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

👍︎ 9
💬︎
📅︎ Apr 24 2019
🚨︎ report
The story of my friend Sam

HI I’m Tim the turtle, yes a real turtle. And I would like to tell you the story of my best friend. I once had a friend by the name of Sam. Sam of course was a clam. A real live honest to goodness clam. He was my best buddy, but unfortunately he smoked and drank and ran around with loose women (and a few men). I was more of the goodie two shoes type. I never drank, never smoked, I didn’t even swear. But for some reason Sam and I were the best of friends. I guess you can say we were the epitome of opposites attracting. One day as we were hanging out walking along the beach Sam, after his fifth cigarette in a row, had a heart attack and died. I was heart broken. My best friend died right there in front of me and he never repented his evil ways. I was sure he would spend eternity in damnation. Sigh. Being the goodie two shoes type I was still extremely healthy well into my old age. I missed my friend terribly for many years. On his birthday I would host a party and invite his old stripper girlfriends and poker buddies around to relive stories. It was always a fun evening, but in the end left me more lonely than before. Eventually, my broken heart couldn’t stand it anymore and I too died. I was pleased to find that there was a heaven. Being an almost saint I was whisked directly past the line to the Pearly Gates to be greeted by St. Peter. A big grin erupted on his face and he came right around his desk to give me a great big hug. “Tim”, he said, “You have been such a good person back on earth that God has asked me to grant you any wish you would like before even entering heaven”. To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement. I thought for a minute, I guess God expected me to ask for more time on earth, but I knew what I really wanted to do was to visit with my old friend Sam. So I asked. Poor St. Peter didn’t know what to say. You know Sam is in Hell right? Well I knew that was a strong possibility so I wasn’t surprised. Peter excused himself for a while and went to check with the big guy himself. He was gone quite some time, but eventually he returned. Peter said my request was approved, but under a few conditions. First, I would have to carry a golden harp as a passport back into heaven. This harp could only be carried by a good soul so I couldn’t be replaced by a look alike demon. Second, I would have to return by midnight. God didn’t want me to face too much temptation. I agreed to these conditions and took the highway down to hell. (Nope n

... keep reading on reddit ➡

👍︎ 3
💬︎
👤︎ u/dendari
📅︎ Apr 25 2018
🚨︎ report
The Greatest Infidelity Joke My Grandfather Ever Told Me.

Recently, Joe has been under the slight suspicion that his wife is cheating on him. So, one day he comes home early from work, to his crap-shoot apartment on the eighth floor, and hears her scurrying around when he enters. Almost as if there's another person in the house. When he calls out her name she hollers back that she just ran into the shower. So he investigates the bedroom and encounters a shocking surprise... a pair of hands dangling from the other side of the window sill! Those of a grown man, hanging on for dear life. Infuriated at the sight of the man who's sleeping with his wife, Joe takes the bedside lamp and starts bashing the guy's fingers until he falls eight stories onto the sidewalk. Only he's still alive, writhing and broken. So Joe hauls the refrigerator from the kitchen out the window, sending it down onto the poor sucker, killing him instantly. Now the hysteria of the moment induces a fatal heart attack and Joe himself, dies. So now, as he's up at the pearly gates, St. Peter is telling all the incoming souls that in order to gain access into heaven, they need to provide a solid account of how they died. After hearing Joe's story, St. Peter allows him in. The next man in line says that he was tanning in the sun, drunk, on the roof of his apartment building when he fell off, only to catch hold of a window sill that could have saved his life, until a crazed bastard beat his fingers and threw a refrigerator onto him. St. peter tells him that he's a shoe-in. And when he asks the next guy in line how he ended up deceased, the guy replies, "...So I'm naked in a refrigerator, right?"

👍︎ 5
💬︎
📅︎ Jan 17 2015
🚨︎ report
In heaven, there were two huge signs. The first read, "Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do." The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see. The second sign stated, "Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do." Only one man stood under that sign...

Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, “No one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself."

The man shrugged and said, “My wife told me to stand here.”

👍︎ 28
💬︎
📅︎ Jul 24 2019
🚨︎ report
At the pearly gates, Saint Peter asks new arrivals what they did for a living...

The first person says “I was a doctor, I saved lives.” St. Peter lets him in.

The second person says “I was a teacher, I educated and inspired hundreds of children”. St Peter lets him in.

The third says “I was a musician, I brought joy and beautiful music to many people.”

St. Peter says “ok, but you’ll have to go around back and come in through the kitchen.”

👍︎ 3
💬︎
👤︎ u/02K30C1
📅︎ Apr 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My Dad's favorite joke

Two men die and go to heaven. The first man walks up to the pearly gates, and St. Peter says, "In order to get into heaven, you must have had a manly job on Earth. What was your job?"

The first man says, "I was a diesel fitter."

St. Peter looks confused, but says, "I don't know what that is, but it definitely sounds manly. You can go in."

As the first man walks through the gates, the second steps up to St. Peter. He again says, "In order to get into heaven, you must have had a manly job on Earth. What was your job?"

The second man says, "I worked at the department store in the women's underwear department."

St. Peter says, "Well, that's definitely not manly. I don't think I can let you in."

The man gets very upset and says, "What about that guy you just let in?"

St. Peter says, "He was a diesel fitter!"

The man says, "I know! We worked in the same department! I would sew up the underwear, and he would put them on his head and yell 'DEEZ 'LL FIT HER!'"

👍︎ 2
💬︎
👤︎ u/kibasoul
📅︎ Oct 26 2013
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.