Communism sounds good on paper, but I'm not sure I'd trust it to work...
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︎ Jun 25 2020
They probably sound really good
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︎ Oct 02 2019
Up next: How to sound good in a band. Stay Tuned!!
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︎ Dec 18 2018
A struggling young news reporter was having trouble getting good sound bites from the politicians she was sent out to interview, so she invited an experienced colleague out to dinner to ask for advice.
The would-be mentor insisted on going to a seafood restaurant and then he ordered his favorite meal for the both of them. When the hard working, fresh-out-of-journalism-school grad asked the veteran newshound how he always managed to get witty phrases from the Prime Ministers and Presidents he interviewed, a sly smile swam across his face.
Intrigued, she watched intently while he reached for his wallet then removed a โฌ5 note. Holding it toward her face over the table, she was surprised when the greying beat writer dropped the money directly on her uneaten dinner and held an index finger to his closed lips.
As they both looked down at the seafood platter, his paper Euro was suddenly sucked under the rings of fried calamari until it disappeared from sight. After what sounded like a stand-up comedian clearing his throat, a male voice with an Eastern European accent clearly rose out of her food. It said, "Trump asked for dirt on Biden so I sent him some good Ukrainian topsoil."
As the gobsmacked gal with mouth agape slowly raised her eyes to her grinning dinner guest's face, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "squid pro quote".
Required Explanation: "squid pro quote" is a play on words for the saying "quid pro quo", a Latin phrase meaning "something for something". In the news at the time of this posting a tremendous amount of discussion is being circulated about whether or not US president Trump dangled a quid pro quo offer in front of Ukraine's newly elected president, Volodymyr Zelensky. The deal had nothing to do with seafood however, so that was just a red herring. It should also be noted that Mr. Zelensky, before diving into politics, was a stand-up comedian.
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︎ Nov 07 2019
I guy walks into a bar and says, "I'll have an H2O!" The guy next to him thinks that sounds good, so he says, "I'll have an H2O, too!"
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︎ Oct 13 2019
What do you call an infomercial that sounds to good to be true?
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︎ Oct 03 2017
"Does spaghetti sound good tonight?"
I guess, but I really hope it tastes good.
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︎ Nov 13 2013
You ever heard the Stormtrooper band?
Probably not, they've never had a hit.
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︎ Dec 07 2020
I had to borrow my friendโs trumpet because I sounded too good on my own, and people would be jealous!
I didnโt want to toot my own horn.
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︎ Jun 23 2020
Long live Rudolph the red
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︎ Dec 06 2020
I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines.
He's a Singer songwriter, or sew it seams.
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︎ Dec 15 2020
Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins?
You just have to listen varicosely
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︎ Nov 09 2020
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
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︎ Oct 22 2020
Old Gold
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︎ Oct 09 2020
We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."
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︎ Sep 01 2020
How did the Nazis get their money?
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︎ Dec 14 2020
Two women were sharing the same ID card
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︎ Sep 12 2020
My son asked: โDad, have you seen my sunglasses?โ
I replied: โNo son, but have you seen my dad glasses?โ
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︎ Aug 17 2020
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes...
You need to let that mango.
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︎ Jul 20 2020
Last Thursday my son was moping around and I told him, if you think Thursdays are sad, just wait two more days. He asked why?
Because it'll be sadder day.
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︎ Jul 28 2020
my friend just told me, 'I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water'.
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︎ Jul 26 2020
My wife sent me a heartwarming text that read, โIf you're sleeping, send me your dreams. If you're laughing, send me your smile. If you're eating, send me a bite. If you're drinking, send me a sip. If you're crying, send me your tears. I love you!โ
I replied, โI'm on the toilet, please adviseโฆโ
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︎ Jun 15 2020
My friend is making a lot of easy money by taking pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.
Itโs like shooting fish in apparel.
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︎ Jun 21 2020
This sounded better in my head but it's still pretty good. :)
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︎ Mar 08 2017
I've just been offered a job as a human chess piece...
The money is good.
I'm on knights this week.
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︎ Oct 26 2020
I got into an argument with someone I thought was a "birds aren't real" supporter. I'm an idiot; they were just messing with me and they made some amazing bird puns along the way that deserve attention. The link to the post is in the comments so you can go give the user karma and see the context.
https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282
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︎ Sep 09 2020
Do you know where I store all my dad jokes?
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︎ May 22 2020
My daughter really changed a lot after becoming a vegan.
Itโs like Iโve never seen herbivore.
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︎ May 18 2020
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff...
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︎ May 08 2020
Has anyone tried SleepEzyโข earplugs?
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︎ Dec 05 2020
the puppy test
Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.
Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.
- Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
- Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
- Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
- Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
- Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
- Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
- Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
- Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
- Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
- Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
- Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
- Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
- Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
- When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
- Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
- Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
- Always go straight home after work or school
- Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
- Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.โ
- Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
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︎ Dec 05 2020
This sub is going downhill
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︎ Mar 13 2020
Oops
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︎ Mar 18 2020
My friend in Germany says that there has been panic buying of sausages and cheese . . .
It's the Wurst Kรคse scenario
Credit: Twitter, Bruce Lawson (@brucel)
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︎ Mar 18 2020
My 11yo daughter just made up a joke. What do politicians thing of themselves?
That they're politicool...
Im biased but i think its genius
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︎ Mar 04 2020
My dad said if he see me browsing reddit again, he'll smash my head to the keyboard
I guess hezsjkfowgajqjhsjwkwlsvvcaxxacfasuoc
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︎ Mar 07 2020
What's a thousand times better than Instagram?
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︎ Jan 10 2020
-Doc, I have hearing problems
-Could you describe the symptoms?
-Marge has blue hair and Homer is a fat guy
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︎ Feb 01 2020
I asked my sheepdog how many sheep we had, he said 40.
"What? We should only have 37!" I replied.
"I know" he said, "I rounded them up".
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︎ Feb 26 2020
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest of the letters were not-E.
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︎ Dec 24 2019
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume? Me: Thatโs when I went to Yale... Interviewer: Thatโs impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
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︎ Nov 06 2019
My wife is always threatening to harm me if I keep stealing her kitchen utensils...
but thatโs a wisk Iโm willing to take.
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︎ Mar 06 2020
Two buddies decide to go ice-fishing one day.
So they get their parkas and snow boots, fishing rods and ice auger, and everything else they need, and go out to find a good spot.
Just as they start to drill a hole in the ice, they hear a great booming voice from above: "There are no fish here!"
"What was that?"
"It sounded like the voice of God!"
"Well let's try somewhere else."
They move away a bit, and settle down to try again. But before they can even start to drill, they hear it again:
"There are no fish here!"
So they pack up and move even farther down the ice. Surely this will be a good spot. But just as they pull out the auger, the voice booms out again:
"Listen you guys, I'm the manager of this ice rink, and I'm telling you there are no fish here!"
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︎ Aug 18 2020
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Edit: I do now realize I misspelled Gandhi. I cannot edit the title, just know that I see it and am sorry.
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︎ Jul 08 2019
I just asked my 14 yr old after he was talking the whole time while I was showing how to do something. โDo you know why god gave us two eyes and only one mouth?โ
โBecause we donโt need depth perception with our mouths โ was his technically correct answer
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︎ Jun 29 2019
She probably said, "Let's weight"
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︎ Mar 06 2019
My fatherโs name is Lee. My name is Riley.
As a kid, if I ever said the word โapparentlyโ, he would interrupt to shout โA Son Riley!โ
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︎ Feb 08 2019
What does Pac-Man eat with his chips?
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︎ Mar 22 2019
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