I found a knife at the bottom of my ornament box (no idea why) so I picked it up and announced β€œβ€˜twas the knife before Christmas!”
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mother_of_baggins
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
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I once had a faulty box of Corn Flakes so I called up Kellogg's customer services to see if they could help.

Unfortunately they weren't able to help me in the end as I wasn't able to find the box's cereal number.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bbew_Mot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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I got my wife a copy of the Pixar movie Up when it came out a long time ago, but she dropped it while opening it. She dropped it so many times over the years that the box is very damaged and the disc is no longer playable. Her other movies are perfectly fine, but not this one.

She did not hold Up well.

πŸ‘︎ 308
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mortalfloater
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
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Why was the box so brave?

Because it was sphereless.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/f_n_a_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2018
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So my dad was opening up the box for his new Kindle..

He was struggling a bit and my mom said that there might be a seal on it.. He just looks at her with a straight face and says, "No it looks more like a walrus." Goddammit

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fishlimbs
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2013
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So I got a second cat, and my mother was bringing another litter box.

So she said: "You should write 'Sammy' on the litter box."

Me: (Look at her dumbfounded for a moment, stutter mildly and speak quietly for emphasis, like how you would when telling a family member that a mutual loved one is very ill) "M-Mom...I..I don't think he can read."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CptSmackThat
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2014
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So I got Dad joked by the Cheez-It box today...

Apparently, Colby replies to everything you say with "That's what cheese said."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/White_Shade
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2014
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Great joke, albeit a bit long winded.

There was once a boy. He was the son of the richest man in the universe. Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, he dwarfed them all. He was a multi-trillionaire. Now, it was this boy's birthday. His father asked him,

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. A store full of lego, all the video games in the world, anything. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one pink ping pong ball."

His father was rather confused by this request. Out of all the things he could've chosen, his son chose a ping pong ball. Nonetheless, he agreed and gave him a pink ping pong ball. His son was overjoyed and spoke to him.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong ball?"

"Okay son, go ahead."

The boy then went up to his room and played with his pink ping pong ball. When his father went in the next morning to check on him, the boy was sleeping in his bed and the pink ping pong ball was nowhere to be found.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one box full of pink ping pong balls."

His father was again, confused by this. Still, he bought a cardboard box and filled it with ping pong balls. He gave it to his son, who said.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong balls?"

The father nodded, and the son went up to his room to play. The next morning when his father went to check, the boy was sleeping peacefully and there were no pink ping pong balls in sight. Just the empty cardboard box in the middle of the room.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one truck full of ping pong balls."

Now, by this point, the father was extremely confused. Why did the boy want so many pink ping pong balls and where were they going? He asked.

"My son. You are the most precious thing in the world to me and I can certainly get you this, but may I ask, why do you want

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phrresehelp
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
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I need help solving a pun/riddle.

Context: I'm in a DnD campaign, for fifth edition.

So basically, one of my characters told a horrible pun to a planetar (Massive angel-like being) over Sending (A spell letting you communicate over long distances). "Whaddya call a celestial who likes to fish? An angel-er." and then he got asked to put his journal in the box that suddenly appeared behind hm, He complied, and when he got it back his name was gone from the first page of the book, and there was a golden box, that read "Tell me what I've pun, wizard" So I'm assuming he needs to answer in some sort of pun related to his name, Klaus Hallowmantle.

However, my brain is smoother than... I can't think of anything to compare it to all of a sudden. Oh well. Anyone who can help me with this?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Hipster_Fox
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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An American, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German man are all watching a street performer

The street performer notices the four men are very far to the back and cannot see, so he stands on a box and continues his performance while asking, "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes."

"Oui."

"Si."

"Ja."

πŸ‘︎ 105
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all watching a street performer doing some amazing juggling

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a poor few of the show. So, the juggler stands on a wooden box and asks, β€œCan you all see me now?”

β€œYes” β€œOui” β€œSi” β€œJa”

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jtrad_24
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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I ordered some big metal letters.

I wanted to make a sign that said "YOU & ME". So, I ordered some big metal letters.

When they arrived, the box was very damaged. I checked if everything was there, but the iron E was lost on me.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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Jaundice setup

I officially became a father a few days ago! My sweet daughter has a some jaundice so we've had to stay in the hospital a few more days for treatment.

The nurse lugged I a big box and said "we are going start light therapy"

Me "looks heavy"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnsonmd
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are standing, watching a street performer do some juggling.

The performer notices they have a rather poor view, so stands on a large box, asking 'Can you see me better now?' They reply:

'Yes' 'Oui' 'Si' 'Ja'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LilGingeyboi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
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I just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday.

I have no idea why he was so desperate for an ex box.

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
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Got up this morning and ran around the block five times

Then I got tired so I picked up the block and put it back in the toy box!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Whlightning
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
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Brother: "Why do we have a mouse-shaped fishing lure?"

Me: "So you can catch a catfish."

We were using my late dad's tackle box from the 90's. Only logical explanation is that I was controlled by his spirit.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PrincessBukowski
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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My friend has been learning magic as a quarantine hobby. I present to you: my oc list of magician jokes and puns I invented to annoy him.

Did you hear about the magician who grabbed Eminem so hard his SnapBack fell off?

He pulled a rabbit out of his hat

What do you call a magician who is an administrator at a college, but nobody knows what students he is in charge of?

Whose dean’s he?

A magician went out to the store and bought a big metal structure so he could hang upside down and do situps. He also loved painting, but because of his style he often knocked the canvas around while dabbing on the paint. So he bought another, wooden structure, like an easel, but with clamps to hold the painting in place while he prodded it with the paintbrush. His wife asked, as he brought them in, what the hell he had just bought. He replied:

β€œAb rack and dab rack”

What do you call a magician with very skinny fingers?

Slight of hand

The magician’s wife brought him to the store to buy gifts for a birthday party. She picked out a lovely candle, but wanted to include a nice note. The magician knew just what to do. He brought her down an aisle, found a section marked β€œbirthday,” and said:

β€œPick a card, any card”

The Russian magician, in 1932, found an amazing new piece for his act: a giant, wooden sarcophagus in the shape of a beautiful woman. The piece had giant, metal blades inside at waist level. They were locked in place while it was open, but retracted as it closed, making it seem as though the magician had escaped death. But one day, while he was practicing, the great sarcophagus fell over - door still open - right on the magician. When he was found, he was cut right in two. Moral of the story:

In Soviet Russia, box woman saws you.

Okay that’s it. I’m so sorry, I have nothing better to do.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nsk09003
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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"Rapping"

So my dad just now made the dad joke of Christmas.

Mom: Hurry up and start rapping!

Dad: ( beep box/fake Rapping) okay there I'm starting!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chucklesworth2127
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
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A plumber and a contractor were arguing about something in a huge box.

The contractor was adamant that whatever was in the box would not go in the building at any cost. The plumber insisted he was just trying to do his job and that it was imperative that the box go into the master bathroom. The contractor turned him away despite warnings that there would be consequences. Upon hearing this, the owner of the building got angry and hired a new contractor. The new contractor also wouldn't allow the contents of the large box into the building. He was also fired and a new contractor hired. This contractor was a fun person, giving the workers breaks and buying them lunch. Out of fondness, the workers warned him that when plumber comes, he should allow the box to go into the building. So the contractor asked how important the contents of the box were and the workers replied, "Two people have been fired for not listening to the plumber, just let that sink in"

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
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I decided to get my son a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday.

He keeps asking for an ex box, so I’m sure he will be delighted.

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
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My wife saw it coming. The cashier did not.

While shopping with the wife today, we found a Lego set on our niece's wishlist that was even cheaper than Amazon. So, naturally, we jumped on it. Going through checkout, I looked at the box, then I looked at my wife. All I said to her was that I hope she would forgive me for what I was about to do. Her response: "don't you dare."

Fast forward 15 seconds, and it's our turn in line. As the cashier is about to scan the toy, I pointed out that the set has 446 pieces. "Is that ok for the 10 items or less line?" My wife quickly told her to ignore me.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spongebue
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2015
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So I was in my room...

And I saw a group of 10 ants just running frantically, I felt bad for them so I made a house out of a cardboard box. This technically makes me their landlord and they are my...

Tenants

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChrisMJacobs1987
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
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My dad at my Grandmother's Funeral

My grandmother was cremated and we were having a service to pay our respects. I was scared and didn't want to go up to the altar alone so my dad went with me.

We stood there, side by side, and stared in reverent silence at the small simple wooden box which was holding my grandmother's ashes. After a minute or so passed my father bowed slightly, leaning in with what I assumed would be words of wisdom and said, "your grandmother was a lot smaller than I remember."

I had to fight just not to bust out laughing in a room full of mourners.

I was told to cross post this here from an askreddit thread yesterday

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2014
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I got a rooster on 2018's Valentine's day.

Lol, on last year's Valentine's day my best friend had got mad at me for not asking my crush out.

We'd planned on going to McDonald's together because he didn't have a date either. When I arrived at McDonald's this f*cker was holding a cardboard box with a terrified look and when he saw me he immediately gave me the box and told me he'd already bought the food and that we better take the bus to my place. I just thought he probably was joking or something because the box didn't even have any kind of decoration, it even had a chips brand printed on it, but as we got to the bus and sat I felt something moving inside, I thought maybe it was a puppy or something, but why did he look scared of it?

So, we get to my house, I go to my backyard, where my then 7yo beagle was and I open the box. I could only see a black blur flying out of it and then heard my best friend scream. It was a rooster. He's terrified of birds. And weirdest of all it was a fully grown rooster but he was super tiny, like 10 inches tall tiny.

I asked him wtf was going on and he just kinda hid behind the backyard door and said "I bought it so that you could get some cock tonight". I always make puns and he hates them, I was speechless. So long story short I now own 6 chickens and 4 roosters (my mom got super mad at him for buying the rooster, but then she got super attached and bought him a chicken, when she laid eggs she let them hatch, the rooster's name is Enrique btw, my mom even made him a birthday party and all last week, lol)

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArbiterInqui
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
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Working at sams club i would collect boxes as they would empty. A customer came up to me and said "can i have a few of those flat boxes? I use them when i change my car oil so it doesnt stain my floor."

So I say "of course, that's a great idea. That's really thinking outside the box."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Djyocon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
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A Literal Dad Joke

So me and my dad were eating waffles and he pointed at a box of his almond crackers and said "with these crackers and the almond milk in my coffee I am turning into a nut". After humoring him with a small laugh, I said time to put this on r/dadjokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadowbird375
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
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I may be young but I still made the cashier at Walmart cringe with this one.

I bought a case of Natty lights. As she was scanning it she said, "wow this is really heavy" to which I responded "No, they're light. It even says so on the box." I was so proud of myself.

πŸ‘︎ 754
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Darklord_Of_Bacon
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2015
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My wife told me that if I got her one more idiotic gift she would burn it.

So I got her the night before Christmas DVD box set...I kinda wanted an extra copy for my mom

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/irieball
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2018
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My girlfriend called me immature

So I banned her from my cardboard box fort.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AwesomeW2017
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2018
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A nun was fired from he job in heaven...

A nun was fired from her job in heaven, so she came down to earth and started looking for a job. One night, when she is filling out a job application, there is a question that asks her to check the boxes next to the jobs that she has previously worked at. She looks at the answers for a second, and then checks the box marked, "Nun of the above."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JeromePaulos
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2018
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My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her...

So I hit her over the head with my X-Box...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2018
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Raising a puppy is sharpening my skills...

[Mom, dad, SO, I eating Chinese food before Billy Joel concert]

[Finishing up, dad notices bunch of fortune cookies left in the box to be thrown out]

Dad: "You gonna throw all these away?"

Mom: "...are you gonna eat all of them?"

Me: "No reason to throw them out, they're worth a fortune.........."

.......It sounded much better before I typed it all out, I hope it comes across as good as it did that night.

πŸ‘︎ 127
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thenatureboy_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2016
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Me: 1 manager: 0

I'm a college kid that works fast food part time to pay the bills. However, I managed to get two of my friends jobs there aswell, and our manager is pretty cool. So we have good times there and it's never quiet.

Anyway, I was bagging up an order, and my manager thought it would be funny to follow me and tell me exactly how to do everything; open the bag, put the box in the bag, receipt in the bag, blah blah blah and so on. Once I had handed out the order, she was like,

"Alright job, thanks to me".

I responded,

"Oh yeah you were great. They should promote you to micromanager."

Got a good laugh out of everybody, and it will be on my life's highlight reel if I have anything to say about it

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Boy_Wonder22
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2017
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Fred was told by a monk to live in the present

So he climbed into a big box and got it wrapped up with a bow on top.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TDN-ThickDickNick
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2017
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A compass, a cough drop, and a match.

As a Boy Scout, we would camp a lot and go on hikes.

One night, we had to do a night hike, alone, for a merit badge. I had left the campsite about an hour earlier and a terrible storm rolled in. The sky opened up and the ground was quickly saturated. I tried to continue my hike for another few minutes, but it got cold and I was chilled and soaked to the bone, so I decided to try to head back to camp.

Lightning was starting to crackle above me, so I thought I should try to take a shortcut to make my hike back quicker. I pulled out my compass and found my direction, but the rain made it impossible to see more than five feet in front of me.

I was looking down at my compass, not paying any attention to where I was going, and suddenly felt weightless. The feeling didn't last long as I thumped down on slippery earth a second later.

I had fallen onto a ledge on the side of a rather steep cliff, the bottom of which was at least fifty feet down.

I sat there, contemplating on how to get back up this cliff as water rolled over the edge ten feet above me. There was nothing to grab onto to pull myself up. I was stuck there.

After a few minutes, I noticed the little ledge I was standing on was slowly getting smaller. The water was coming down so hard it was eroding the tiny bit of safety I had.

I dug through my pockets, thinking maybe I had something, anything, to help me out of my precarious situation. All I had was my compass, a cough drop, and a match. I was screwed.

So, I sat there, watching the edge of the ledge I was on get closer and closer to my feet, when suddenly I felt something pushing on my back.

I turned slightly and saw a wooden box sticking out of the cliff behind me. It was working its way out of the side, the rain surely helping it along. I tried to move away from it, but the ledge wasn't very wide and the box kept coming out, pushing me farther to the weak and failing edge.

As more of the box came out, to my horror, I realized it was a coffin! I had no idea how old it was, but it looked rather rotten. All I could think of was being pushed off this ledge, and the rotten coffin breaking and dropping a skeleton onto my broken and battered body at the bottom.

The coffin crept closer, my foot began to slip. I grabbed onto a root that was sticking out of the cliffside and dug in my pocket once more.

I hurriedly tore the wrapper off the cough drop and stuck it in my mouth. It stopped the coffin.

This joke has been told to me

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TipCleMurican
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2014
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True Story about Half a Toilet

We are remodeling my grandmother's house. This includes a new toilet. My dad entered my room today giggling. He replied, still giggling, that my mother was in a rage. After some prodding for explanation, he finally told me that, and I quote, "they only gave her half a toilet."

Now, I'm thinking the tank was in one box and the bottom half was in another, and they only gave her one box. In any case, when worded this way, it IS kind of funny. So, I giggle too. But dad didn't stop there. We laugh for a bit, and then he grins even wider and says:

"I got to thinking, you know, we have a lot of half-ass people around here..."

And that, readers, is how a fairly routine mishap went from "mildly funny" to "too groanworthy to be anything but hilarious".

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BayouRoux
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2017
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I'm trying to keep fit during iso, so this morning, I ran five times around the block.

I was so tired afterwards that my son had to put it back into the toy box.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes"

"Oui"

"Si"

"Ja"

πŸ‘︎ 271
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Amanbbi
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
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So, I was in my room and I saw a group of 10 ants

So, I was in my room and I saw a group of 10 ants just running frantically. I felt bad, so I made a small house for them out of a cardboard box. This technically makes me their landlord and they are my...

Tenants.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
🚨︎ report
A plumber and a contractor were arguing about something in a huge box.

The contractor was adamant that whatever was in the box would not go in the building at any cost. The plumber insisted he was just trying to do his job and that it was imperative that the box go into the master bathroom. The contractor turned him away despite warnings that there would be consequences. Upon hearing this, the owner of the building got angry and hired a new contractor. The new contractor also wouldn't allow the contents of the large box into the building. He was also fired and a new contractor hired. This contractor was a fun person, giving the workers breaks and buying them lunch. Out of fondness, the workers warned him that when plumber comes, he should allow the box to go into the building. So the contractor asked how important the contents of the box were and the workers replied, "Two people have been fired for not listening to the plumber, just let that sink in"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LTLazar
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
🚨︎ report
I was in my room when I saw a group of 10 ants just running frantically.

I felt bad, so I made a small house for them out of a cardboard box. This technically makes me their landlord and they are my Tenants.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlabamaMayan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
🚨︎ report

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